Be Careful What You Wish For

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So I’ve reached the half way point in this, my third, pregnancy.  People keep asking me how the pregnancy is going and my general answer is “eh.”  I know, I know.  I wanted this.  I really wanted this.  I wanted this for a long time before I got this – this – miracle.  And that’s what it is – this little life inside of me.  A miracle, created by God, known by Him before even coming together in my womb.

The miracle is not the problem.  A baby (oh a baby) is warm and soft.  A baby is snuggle time and sleep time and breastfeeding time.  A baby is smiles and laughter and light.  But pregnancy, oh pregnancy, for me this time around is drudgery.  And I don’t know why.  I mean, I don’t have anything to complain about.  I don’t have nausea or morning sickness.  I don’t get hemmorhoids (I know, gross).  My face doesn’t get fat.  My ankles do, even fairly early on, and my heartburn is awful.  My labors are not long (so far).  I have good, “nothing-to-complain-about” pregnancies.  But I am ambivalent about this one.

Part of it is plain, old-fashioned selfishness.  I was just starting to lose some weight that I had been hanging onto since Sam was born three years ago.  I had finally seen those scales drop below a certain digit and I was excited and feeling good about myself.  Now I get to watch those pounds creep back up.  Even at 20 weeks I’m already starting to waddle.  You know what I mean, that pregnancy waddle.  And as if my boobs weren’t big enough – ugh!  Okay, so there’s the self image thing.

Then there’s the old “I don’t know this kid” part of it all.  Here are these two adorable boys in my life.  They are growing and changing.  They enjoy each other and they both enjoy books.  And who is this person inside of me?  Is it a girl?  If so, will she like me?  Will we be able to get along?  If it is a boy how will he fit into this current “Ben and Sam” dynamic?  Regardless of sex, will this baby be okay?

Yeah, yeah, I know.  These are all unknowables.  But pregnancy is that wondering at the unknowable.  Looking down the face of change and seeing all the endless possibilities for this new life that does not even have a name yet.  Seeing all those possiblities and not even having a tiny face to put with them.  With my first two I just felt a connection early on, but this time “eh.”

I know (know) that when this baby comes I will be head-over-heels thrilled and in love.  Pregnancy time is unlike any other time for me.  It seems to yawn and stretch, dragging it’s feet like a toddler on the way to anywhere.  Pregnancy time is pondering time.  And perhaps it is as God intended it.  A time to get ready.  A time to prepare for a new life, already set on a path.  A time to say good-bye to the way things are right now.  Though life doesn’t stop when children are growing – it sure does get a large push forward with a birth.  So this is my time, to prepare for the adjustment…to ready for the change.

I’ll be ready, right?

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