St. Patrick Email Exchanges
My day, March 17th, is upon us once again, and
once again I have only one question: how did my
banishing all snakes from Ireland and, among
other things, enduring six years in captivity as
well as hearing the word of the Almighty, turn
into one night of binge drinking by people with
last names such as Lapano and Kowalski who
finish the evening projectile-vomiting green-
coloured lager? As I recall, when the day was
first discussed, we talked about a literary theme
(Ireland produces a lot of writers) or maybe an
environmental motif. What did I do to deserve
I hear you, but what can I say? It’s called “Free
Will.” If I made everyone do everything I wanted,
they would never learn how to do it themselves.
Re our initial discussions: I remind you that
when you chose March 17 (the date of your
departure from the mortal world), I said it
would be a hard one to pull off. The weather is
too unpredictable, for starters. Also, it comes a
little quick after Val’s day. Speaking of which, a bit
of innovation can go a long way. Val tapped into
that whole mass-production-of-paper thing, and
it worked out very well for him. As for Nick, he
goes out the entire night and gives presents to
every kid in the world. If I recall last March 17,
you were home watching the Lakers.
If you are so unhappy, you are more than welcome to
join those of us who DO NOT have our own holidays,
on November 1, All Saints’ Day. Here’s what you have
to look forward to: rain, no kids happy about
us, no treats, no presents, a bunch of broken
pumpkins everywhere. Come by any time.
Paul : (
Paul and Company,
It’s not about who gets what. It’s about a religious
holiday that is now a drunken orgy. There’s a difference.
But what gets to me is I never really drank!!!
From: God [[email protected]]
To: Patrick [[email protected]]; Paul [[email protected]]
Cc: [[email protected]]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: March 17
All right guys, this is getting out of hand . . .
Patrick, let me remind you that in Ireland some folks
still go to church and take the day pretty seriously, at
least as seriously as the Irish can take things. Also, show
me a person with a hangover and I will show you a person
who is penitent, and show me a penitent and I’ll show you
a person on his or her way to church. So, while numbers
on the actual day may be down, bums-in-pews-wise,
Thomas More in marketing tells me they are way up on
As for All Saints’ — as I have said before, this is a
marathon, not a sprint. You’ll each get your days.
Remember the Feast of St. Peter in Chains? I didn’t
think so but it was huge in the eighth century.
On a more jovial note, Bernie is having his usual St.
Pat’s shindig tomorrow. If you can make it, RSVP to
– Published March 2007
Andrew Clark is the author of Stand and Deliver: Inside Canadian Comedy
What It Means To Be Irish
1) You will never play professional basketball.
2) You swear very well.
3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home owner or holds public office. And you have at least one aunt who is a nun, or uncle who’s a priest.
4) You think you sing very well.
5) You have no idea how to make a long story short!
6) There isn’t a big difference between you losing your temper or killing someone….
7) Much of your childhood meals were boiled.. Instant potatoes were a mortal sin!
8) You have never hit your head on a ceiling.
9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer (Catholic guilt forever!).
10) You’re strangely poetic after a few beers.
11) You are, therefore, poetic a lot..
12) You will be punched for no good reason….a lot.
13) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.
14) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or Eileen and there is at least one member of your family with the full name of Mary Catherine Eileen.
15) Someone in your family is very generous. It is more than likely you.
16) You may not know the words, but that doesn’t stop you from singing.
17) You can’t wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start talking .
18) You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency
19) There wasn’t a huge difference between your last Wake and our last keg party.
20) You are, or know someone, named Murph.
21) If you don’t know Murph then you know Mac… If you don’t know Murph or Mac then you know Sully. Then you probably know Sully McMurphy.
22) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.
23) You have Irish Alzheimer’s… You forget everything but the grudges!
24) ‘Irish Stew’ is a euphemism for ‘boiled leftovers.’
25) All of your losses are alcohol-related (loss of virginity, loss of driver’s license, loss of money, loss of job, loss of significant other, loss of teeth from punch…) but it never stops you from drinking.
26) Your skin’s ability to tan…. Not so much.
27) At this very moment, you have at least two relatives who are not speaking to each other (not fighting, mind you, just not speaking to each other).
28) Childhood remedies for the common cold often included whiskey.
29) There’s no leaving a family party without saying goodbye for at least 45 minutes.
30) You met your husband/wife/significant other/accountant/lawyer/landscaper/etc. In a bar.
31) Recognition of one’s own limitations is the highest form of intellect!