Funny Underwear by Christina King

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king_christina“In my Father’s house there are many rooms”..so scripture says. Well, in my house there are many kinds of underwear. There are mom underwear with maternity underwear and girdles as sub-category’s of mom underwear. Then there are dad and kids underwear. Finally, there is the worst of the worst, which is underwear that is now used for rags to clean. Now, wait a minute, before you get all grossed out, let me just state for the record that I am not one that cleans with old underwear but I know that my mother-in law as well as my grandmother did so therefore it makes itself its own category.

First of all let’s talk about mom underwear. To summarize, they are almost all at least 2 years old and most of them have holes or ripped elastic. They are all white with no color or design. “Granny” is the word that comes to mind upon first glance. I usually have a few favorite pairs. The few that make the cut to “favorite” do so not because they are pretty or special in anyway no, they are my favorite because they cut off the least amount of circulation or they leave the smallest welts.

Since I have had a baby within the last 6 months it seams that even my underwear don’t fit yet and so I never leave the house without wearing my spanx. For those of you who have not been enlightened to this MIRACLE of modern underwear, spanx is the new girdle invented by a woman and so they actually work quite well. “Higher Power” is the name of my favorite and after having eight children, they live up to name and are a Godsend to my midsection. They actually extend all the way up and over the ribcage and because of a special band they do not roll down. This eliminates the “muffin top” that can occur when you have so much extra after having children.

I feel like it keeps it all pulled in. What it really does is just flatten the fat to other parts of the mid-section or forces it out the sides but hey, it does take at least an inch off the front so I find it definitely worth squeezing into.

I can never justify spending money on new clothes while I can squeeze into my old ones and underwear has been no exception. Actually, I would say function always has broad criteria. When I was wearing maternity underwear I often thought they needed to rename them maternity underoll rather than underwear since it seems to me that all they did was roll down my belly in a roll. You know, like a little old ladies knee high pantyhose that would roll down to her ankles?

Now the dad underwear in our house is unlike any I have encountered in my lifetime. Somehow even though I have toilet paper fully stocked in the bathroom (I must with five girls in the house) the dad underwear in this house looks like it was used in place of toilet paper and then put back on. I believe the kids call it “skid marks”. Whatever you want to call it, it never ceases to amaze me that every new pair I buy gets “broken in” almost immediately.

The kid underwear phenomenon is somewhat interesting. I think they should make underwear that can be worn backwards or forwards since my kids seem to always have them on backwards. So if you can imagine this it means that they are crammed up their butts in the back and have a big puffy wad in the front that hangs out the top of their pants. The other thing about kid underwear that I must include about this category is that the children seem to be perfectly content with wearing the same pair everyday. The concept of changing underwear daily seems to escape my younger children so much so that when they do finally change them the old pair some how makes it’s way back into their drawers. Now, I must mention that skid marks are also something that can be found in my younger children’s underwear as well which, quite frankly is somewhat mind boggling since they plug the toilet up with wads of toilet paper on a daily basis! We have actually installed special toilets in our home to combat this phenomenon. I often wonder, when I see the wads of paper balled up in the always un-flushed toilet along with a precious “treasures” left floating in the bowl for the toddler to come and fish for, what the heck are they wiping cause is sure ain’t their backsides!

Copyright 2010 Christina King

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2 Comments

  1. This is so funny — I have quite the collection of “unmentionables” myself! My problem is that I don’t have enough “good” underwear — the kind that is 1) comfortable and 2) not so ugly that it inflicts psychological damage on me for wearing it. The good pairs always seem to be in the dirty clothes hamper, and then I am stuck wearing my “second string ” underwear, the kind that I have to yank down all day. Sigh.

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