I don’t fit in. Never have, to be honest. Even as a child, I wanted to be in whatever club was cool that month. I’ve always wanted a group of close friends, but that’s never really happened. I’ve had groups of acquaintances and one close friend if I was lucky. Mostly, though, I’m kind of a loner, but sometimes I long for a REAL friend.
Even as an adult, I associate with people who have a common interest. Once I left work, for example, i never saw old co-workers again. As a mother, I belong to a fabulous local Catholic mothers group. But even there, I am on the periphery.
I belong to a very small church with a group of VERY orthodox Catholics. It’s primarily made up of large families who attend the traditional Latin Mass & homeschool their children. We don’t get to know these families much because we only see them at church and we generally have to get back home right after church – football, hockey, kids are STARVING,you know. Priorities :).
My mom’s group on the other hand, is a little more mainstream. They are lovely women who are working very hard to grow in their faith & raise their children Catholic. These women attend the regular mass and (many) send their kids to Catholic school. I get funny looks when I stick close to home with my small children with whom we co-sleep, nurse for an extended period, don’t have baby-sitters, and plan to homeschool.
One would think that I’d just need to find common women of faith, right? To be honest, there is an enormous gap between these two groups and I’m not fully at home in either one. During my last hormone induced pity party, I had a bit of an epiphany. I don’t fit in anywhere else on purpose. HIS purpose. God is my rock. He wants to be number one in my life. HE wants to be the friend that I talk to more than any one else.
Knowing that this is how I am “in the world, but not OF it” makes the occasional loneliness easier to bear. I’m not meant to belong in this world; I belong to his.
To whom do you belong?