The Wife We Wants is Not Always the Wife He Needs

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The Wife We Wants is Not Always the Wife He Needs

The Wife We Wants is Not Always the Wife He Needs

I write this article with more freedom than ever before, because I am doing it anonymously, giving me freedom I have never known in my years of blogging and freelancing for a newspaper.

I am the girl who you sit next to in church with her growing family making their best attempt to keep growing youth clean and still for a whole hour. All you may see is wiggling bodies, little souls making people smile, causing their parents to break all kinds of commandments internally with their predictable childish behaviors breaking through.

I am the girl you see carefully keeping an eye on her kids at the park, making chit chat with a girlfriend at Chick-Fil-a for a few hours to let the rambunctious hooligans get rid of some pint up energy.

I am the girl with a blog, that writes about all the fun outings, funky art projects, and gross “surprises” that motherhood brings your way.

I am the girl next to you on the elliptical just trying to burn a few extra calories so that extra 10 pounds can somehow go away.

But what you may never see when you see me is that I am lonely. I am hurt. I am so confused how I got to where I am, a few years and kids in to a marriage with a person who has never really taken on the reigns and left me feeling emotionally and physically ALONE in the world.

Most of his issues are so obviously rooted in a childhood full of hurt, neglect, pain and parents who were still discovering what it meant to be an adult and did not put their own troubles aside for the good of their children.

But after years of me finding excuses for my husbands addictions and absentee nature I am exhausted and have decided we MUST get to the root of the problem for my mental well being.

The marriage sacrament is something I took very seriously and I see the problems we have now as “the bad” we pledged to love each other through on our wedding day.

My challenge to fellow readers identifying with what I am sharing is to pray first, decide on a plan of action, then take a stand for yourself and get to the root of the problem.

Suspected infidelity, alcoholism and other addictive tendencies, putting work a head of family, and major parenting differences are some of the things that I have had to deal with in less than 5 years of marriage. I know I am not alone but the gravity of each of the issues coupled with a serious health scare in the midst of his soul searching in our relationship has changed me. Yes, it has made me stronger but honestly most days I just feel bitter. Yes, I run to Jesus and ask for help, pray for strength, and try to be the wife he wants, but I have learned that the wife he wants is not always the wife he needs.

My struggle has been to keep up appearances and stay strong for my children. I was able to do it for a long time and just recently I lost the ability to “have it all together.” When I am challenged by him I feel like I am reaching into an empty bucket, my very essence is fragile and in seconds I can be brought to tears and every emotion courses through my body.

My options are few. Give him the time he needs to get himself together and seek counsel or get out. The first is the only real option for me. I am sticking to my guns and believe that what I am going through is just a test in the fiery furnace and we will come out a happy, fulfilled couple with a bright future. If you are still reading, pray for me and leave a comment with what is in your heart today. I will read it and pray for you! I felt called to write this and hope I am connecting with someone out there.

These words have been my guide…in your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it.” 1 Peter 3:11. May we all be given the tools necessary to seek peace in our lives!

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13 Comments

  1. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with so much hardship during your young marriage! I will pray that you will be given the strength to remain the rock for your family, but that you will also find a soft place to land. And I will pray that your husband will be able to conquer his demons and find his way back to Jesus! Good luck to you and God bless you and your family during this holiday season! <3 Oh, and I'd love to hear an update at some point so we know how you all are doing!

  2. Thank you for sharing your heart. Your honesty touches me. You and your family are in my prayers. Loyalty in marriage is a precious treasure in a marriage. You can be loyal and give yourself an extra dose of acceptance and encouragement. It does not matter what other people think of your situation, it’s between the Lord and you and your family.

  3. My wife was in a similar situation with me. But, by the grace of God and her unending persistence and unyielding faith, I was re-awakened to the power of Jesus’ forgiveness and God’s eternal love. My family will pray with you that you too can find the strength to be the wife your husband needs and that he will re-open his heart to you and realize that what God has joined no man can separate.

    • It’s so nice, as I’m going through a similar situation, that you’ve gotten it together before it was too late. I wish I could be the light my husband needs, but I can’t.

  4. I know who you are. You are me about 10 years ago. Your situation sounds so much like what I was experiencing in the early part of my marriage except for one thing, prayer. Until I began praying and letting God in my life, then things started changing. I too wanted to end it all but in my heart knew that wasn’t an option. Now, 10 years later I am still with my husband and my family is even bigger. And I thank you. I Thank you for reminding me of where I used to be, where God has pulled me out of. Thank you for reminding me that someone once prayed for me and my family and I need to keep praying for you and for all the women who are feeling stressed, hurt, lonely, confused. Thanks for reminding me that the girl next to me needs a smile, a hug, and an honest “how are you”. Que nuestra madre Maria y nuestro Senor Jesus te bendigan siempre.

    • It’s nice to hear you made it through. I’m in a similar situation. I’ve been married for 19 years and this has been an obstacle since we were married for 3 months. It has been a long 19 years. I’ve been patient. Only for the last 2 years ago though, have I prayed for for his healing and some kind of remorse (he has no remorse for what he’s done). I’ve found these posts today by accident while I”m frantically looking for help that I cannot seem to receive from anyone. I guard my marital problems so well. I don’t want to talk about these problems to friends/family, for fear that they will forever hate him. It changes the whole family! Thanks for sharing that there can be light at the end of the tunnel.

  5. Patti Armstrong on

    I co-authored the book, “Amazing Grace for Married Couples”.
    http://ascensionpress.com/products/amazing-grace-for-married-couples
    I wrote it because I knew first hand that when going through rough times, the greatest comfort is hearing of how others got through such times. This book covers everything from addictions to infidelity. Every story starts with the love story, goes through the rough times (in most cases HELL) and explains how the seemingly impossible happened–renewed love. All 12 couples are more in love today than on the day they married and that is saying ALOT! I will pray for you. Thank you for your honesty and sharing in a way that will give others the same strength you are reaching for.

  6. Thank you for having the courage the write this. It sounds as if I am in a similar situation as my husband and I have been married for 7 years, have 3 kids, and he suffers from alcoholism. I have been in and out of the pit of depression numerous times since we’ve been married and often wondered if any other mom out there was masking their sadness like I have been. Even though I don’t know you, I feel united to you in prayer. God bless you.

  7. Thank you for sharing your writings with us. I recognized myself until quite recently. I felt I was alone in the marriage with no one to turn to (and since I was a non-practicing Catholic then, I didn’t even know I could have recourse to prayer). It can feel very lonely, it can seem like a long path ahead, but don’t forget that God has placed you in this family for a reason. We will never be able to understand the full picture, but working with God’s plan will draw down the necessary graces for you. Have you tried praying to St Rita, she may be able to help you a lot. Our Lady is also our Mother, she comforts all Her children – have frequent recourse to Her. It is hard to offer solid advice, but don’t stop praying and offer sacrifice for your husband’s conversion. We will keep you in our prayers too, of course, and pray that you may soon find God’s peace for yourself and your family.

  8. From the Author of article on

    Much thanks for the words of encouragement! Funny how timing is always interesting. This article is posted on a day I needed to read some of your thoughts more than ever. I have been tempted lately to just make him move out and take time to fix his problems…but am rethinking my desires. A lot will hopefully take place this week. Praying! Will check out St. Rita, thanks Teresa!

  9. I am so sorry for all you are going through and offer prayers for you and your family. Please also concult a trusted Catholic source of advice on marriage who is familiar with everything you are going through and can offer practical, objective advice as well as spiritual counsel. Is there a Retrouvaille program near you? Just remember that there are also times Our Lord asks us to be strong in defense of our own dignity as His children. As you say, sometimes the spouse our partner wants is not one he needs. He may need your strength to insist steps are taken for positive change. God bless!

  10. Thank you for sharing. You and your family will be in my prayers. Be patient and strong in your faith. Seek our Mother Mary with all your heart and let her grace shine through you. You may want to start journaling to Mary as a way to share your trials in womanhood with her. And remember our Saints, especially St. Monica. Her faith produced the fruits of grace and perseverance that converted her husband and her son. God Bless you. Your Sister in Christ, Kylie.

  11. Thanks for sharing your heart. I’m in a similar situation, only for a longer time. I’ve been searching this afternoon for anyone to talk with about this problem. So happy for your courage to speak so truly. I feel your pain and loneliness. I hope you will give updates.

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