When You Aren’t Loving Motherhood

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not loving motherhood

“Do you really think you would enjoy this?” I said to my husband over our fajitas last night.“Do you really think you would like staying home, day after day after day with them?”

He looked rather sheepishly down at his plate of rice and beans and shook his head.

I nodded, triumphantly stabbing my grilled pepper with satisfaction, glad it would seem, for some validation, some acknowledgment that it’s hard.

It’s hard, isn’t it, in a maddening way, because really, it shouldn’t be hard. I can stay in my jammies all day if I want (even though that makes me feel even worse) and I get to be with these little ones whose childhood is oh-so-fleeting and I’m the most ungrateful person in the world because all of this could get snatched away from us at anytime.

And yet…

I am having one of those moments. 

When it feels like I just.can’t.take.it.one.more.second.

I’m sure it’s a combination of the mid-pregnancy grumps, a teensy bit of fear of the coming summer of heat and swollen feet, and a whole lot of doubt in my ability to start from scratch all over again with a tiny, squalling newborn.

And confession:

I’m scared not to sleep again. I feel like I can’t survive without sleep again. 

I have such a hard time fighting my selfishness as a mother, the side that huffs about not being able to sleep in and never, ever having nice hair (ok, so that was pre-motherhood too), the part of me that just wishes that one thing could go smoothly in my life. (Seriously, last night, I just wanted to take a walk with the kids–and it was a 20-minute scream fest because Jake would.not.sit.in.the.stroller. Who are these kids in other moms’ pictures that just sit contentedly in strollers? Mine have never done that. Sigh.)

It’s been about a week or two of feeling just a little scrambled, just a little overwhelmed, just a little exhausted, more than a little guilty, and feeling torn between not wanting to be pregnant, but holy crap, not at all ready for life with a newborn again.

But is it ok to feel like this? To have those days when you aren’t loving motherhood?

I mean, after all, it’s ok for my husband to admit that this work wouldn’t come naturally to him–and although it has come naturally to me in many ways, it’s not always easy for me and there are obviously parts of me that aren’t solely fulfilled by 24/7 life with little people at home.

But I’m coming to see that’s ok.

I don’t have to love every minute. 

But I had better start being sure to fill my minutes with love.

Copyright 2014, Chaunie Brusie

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About Author

Chaunie Brusie is a writer, speaker, and labor and delivery nurse. She began serving as an advocate for young women facing unplanned pregnancy after becoming a mother during her senior year of college. Chaunie has worked in the pro-life movement for many years and has presented her story across the country. She blogs about her journey as a young mom of three at www.tinybluelines.com and her first book, Tiny Blue Lines, will be released through Ave Maria Press in May 2014. Find Chaunie on Facebook and Twitter.

4 Comments

  1. So true! True love is born out of the times that we don’t like what we’re doing anyway. Plus, if it wasn’t this, it would just be something else, right?

    Still, it sucks, haha! Hang in there! Saying a prayer for you!

  2. My son was always horrible about his stroller! By the time he was around 15 months, he would be okay in it as long as it was moving and we had a specific destination that he was looking forward to (like the park). But he would never just sit in it like some babies, and as an infant he was miserable even in a moving stroller, unless he was sleeping.

    Anyway. I agree that it is unrealistic to expect mothers to love every minute, and we certainly shouldn’t be expected to love the hard moments. But I think it’s important to remember that leaving the home to go to work isn’t always a walk on the beach either. It’s that whole balancing act between healthy venting and gratitude, something I struggle with.

  3. marissa nichols on

    Hang in there. It’s totally normal not to enjoy something that isn’t enjoyable. There are joys but, man, what it takes to get there. Believe it or not, I am finally enjoying motherhood now that I have three kids. It’s okay not to be a “baby years” mom. Why it’s been marketed as bliss by our culture still mystifies me. God bless.

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