Beer, birthdays, and butt paste

Photo courtesy of María de Lourdes Ruiz Scaperlanda. All rights reserved.

Copyright 2015 María de Lourdes Ruiz Scaperlanda. All rights reserved.

Yearning for a new way will not produce it. Only ending the old way can do that.

You cannot hold onto the old, all the while declaring that you want something new.

The old will defy the new;

The old will deny the new;

The old will decry the new.

There is only one way to bring in the new. You must make room for it.

~Neale Donald Walsch


I may not always know my place in this world. Things are ever changing.

But in counting gifts I can always find my place in God.  

In His heart… He alone holds me as He continues to enfold me in His love.

~Mary Anne Morgan [see her wonderful blog and photography here]

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My internal clock is intrinsically connected to the academic year cycle.

The combination of living with teachers my entire life and also having a birthday in mid-August makes this time of year feel like the beginning of a new year—much more so than January 1st!

This summer has felt jam packed with festivities, family gatherings, wonderful visits with old friends and with far away family, and the excitement of working on final details associated with my new book.  You can read more about my Father Stanley Rother biography here!

I confess that it’s been a challenge for me, physically, to keep up with this level of activity—no matter how good, how fun or how enjoyable.

Emotionally, it has been simply too much for me to ingest.

For example, as weird as it sounds, I will find myself in the middle of a fun, joyful gathering, and a part of me feels numb… just going through the motions, taking care of what needs to be done.

Or worse yet, I’ll have my entire crew here, in our home… all my wonderful and fun adult children, and our five amazing grandchildren (with one more baby girl on the way!) – and I notice that I have an overwhelming wave of emotion that I can only describe as loneliness.

It’s enough to make me feel like I’m crazy, or at the very least, ungrateful! 

But on this my birthday week – I made the decision to stop berating myself and simply acknowledged that I am tired, and that it’s okay that I feel tired.

And I realized that what I am feeling is the weight of change—and the cost of my desire to be truly present to the people in my life.

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                                       We live life forward, but we understand it backward

~Søren Kierkegaard

Copyright 2015 María de Lourdes Ruiz Scaperlanda


About Author

María Ruiz Scaperlanda writes regularly at María is an award-winning author, journalist, and retreat facilitator. She has been published broadly in the U.S. Catholic Press, traveling on international assignments in Central America and the Caribbean, Israel, Turkey, Jordan, and throughout Europe. María and Michael reside in Norman, Oklahoma.


  1. I am feeling the weight of change; my youngest, my baby, just went to kindergarten. Now, I am home all alone, feeling somewhat as if I am stuck in my own head all day long, trying to come to terms with my desire to be more of a writer and with the glaring fact that I am no longer needed for many hours of the day. I am struggling to adapt and make room for the new, so though we aren’t at the same place in life, I very much see my feelings in this post. Thanks for sharing.

    • dear Hillary,
      I think you are right! we may be in different places in life, but it sounds like our hearts are walking the same faith journey, feeling the deep emotions that come with the weight of change. For me, allowing myself to feel the feelings can often be a challenge… especially without wallowing in guilt! I have a very strong inner voice that loves to tell me that I “should be handling things better” — does that sound familiar to you, too?! Thank you for taking the time to comment, Hillary. Knowing other people “get it,” well, that’s what gives us strength to share the journey. Let’s pray for one another?

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