The Big Let-Down?

"The Big Let-Down?" by Michael Carrillo (

Copyright Fr. Lawrence Lew, OP via Flickr (2013), CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

If you read my post last month, I was preparing for the convalidation of our marriage as well as being able to receive the Eucharist. I am happy to say that on Thursday, December 22, 2016, the Church blessed our marriage and we both received the Eucharist; Vicki for the first time and me after many years without.

Do you remember your first Confession? Did it feel like the weight of the world was off your shoulders and that there was a “lightness” to yourself after purging the baggage of sin? Surprisingly, I did not have that feeling after my Confession. I was hoping for that sense of relief, but it just was not there. It was a little disappointing, to be honest.

The day after my Confession was our Convalidation Mass. After receiving Communion, I did not feel a sense of profound emotion I thought I might have after not being allowed to receive Jesus in the Eucharist for so many years. No, my anticipated emotions did not happen.

Was God letting me down?

It was not until I went to daily Mass and the days following that I started having feelings, nay, awareness, of what receiving these two Sacraments meant. God had his own plans for my sense of relief and joy despite when I felt I should have received them.

In these past several days, I have found that I have been able to resist my temptations to sin. I have been able to place my trust in God in helping me deflect the temptations. He gives me something better to do; He gives me thoughts that are good; “He guides me along right paths.” I am thoroughly convinced that partaking of the Eucharist has given me the graces and the strength, that I had been lacking for so many years, to resist my temptations and sins.

That, to me, was God’s plan for my sense of relief and joy. I have this sense of peace, trust, and the ability to fight. I am not carrying around a baggage of hopelessness but a sense of freedom and lightness.

God did not let me down.


Copyright 2017, Michael T Carrillo


About Author

Michael Carrillo is a retired police officer from a large California metropolitan police department. He is married to Vicki and they have five adult children between them. He is an unabashed fan of Jesuit education, though he regrets not obtaining one himself. Day hikes and walks give him opportunities and inspirations to look for and find God.


  1. Michael, I’ve loved watching and praying for you along this journey. Thank you for your honest sharing! It’s funny, I remember feeling something a bit similar when my husband came into the Church. I had anticipated his “big moment” for so many years, prayed for it and felt so powerfully impacted while he was in RCIA. I remember wondering how I would possibly control my emotions the night of the Easter vigil, when he would receive the Eucharist for the very first time. Interestingly, that night was filled with joy but none of the “happy tears” I expected. In fact, in that “big” moment I felt oddly disconnected. It’s interesting that now though, so many years later, I am still often overcome with profound emotion when I watch him receive Jesus in Communion. Far, far more so than I was that night – and I pray it’s a joy that will continue to build over time in my heart. My prayers for both of you continue – please keep writing honestly as you have about all that you are feeling and experiencing. You are blessing far more souls than you’ll ever know!!

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