Today my heart is so sad for the little girl I don’t have.
My husband and I have been beyond blessed with 5 little guys who I, of course, love so, so much.
It makes for an uncomfortable hurt.
I feel ungrateful for my beautiful family.
I feel ridiculous just thinking of the total heartache couples are going through with infertility… and here I am crying.
I know there’s always a chance she’s still to come, and I know there is adoption.
But it is a hurt in my heart.
Broken dreams of braiding my little girl’s hair and that mommy-daughter mani-pedi day.
In this moment, I ache for the moments I do not have.
During our latest “Two Week Wait,” while I wondered if maybe baby could be a girl, a thought hit me.
The pain that I feel from not having a little girl is my own kind of suffering, and I have been wasting it.
I have been in the habit of brushing off the hurt and wiping away tears because I zoom out to the bigger picture and tell myself how ridiculous and ungrateful it is for me to feel sad about this.
But, ridiculous as the reason may sound, my pain is my pain. And sometimes it tears me up.
It is my own kind of suffering.
So, instead of brushing it off as petty, I decided to embrace the fullness of its reality on my own heart.
Every time the sting attacks my eyes and tears stream down from not having a little girl to watch princess movies with, or just not having any pink in the house! …
I am going to embrace the sadness and offer it up for souls while working through it all.
I will offer up my pain for teenage girls to come to know Jesus as their BFF.
I will offer up my pain for girls with broken relationships with their dads to be able to come to know God as their Father in Heaven who loves them dearly.
I will offer it up for the girls I do have in my life, my sweet nieces.
I will offer it up for my friends’ little girls to grow up strong in the faith with a true love for God.
I will make use of this pain and thank God for the opportunity to make use of it.
There are so many moments in the day that can be, with just one prayer, turned into moments of grace and growth.
St. Teresa of Avila was big on honestly knowing oneself.
Calling ourselves for what we are is a place where we can find so much freedom.
We share it all with our God, truly hand it over to him and buckle up for the ride. The blessings from that raw moment will go beyond anything we could ever imagine.
We know we are loved by a Father that wants to heal all our stings, but I didn’t realize he wanted to be an intimate part of the foolish feeling stings. Too many times I get in the way of him working his magic on my soul.
… But I still can’t wait to get up to Heaven, sit down with a plate of the best warm chocolate chip cookies I’ve ever had and watch the movie, This is Why this Happened and This is Why This Didn’t Happen in Your Life.
Copyright 2018 Stephanie Stovall