"Loving the Soul" Chapter 10: Becoming What I Always Envisioned

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"Loving the Soul Beneath the Autism" excerpt by Janele Hoerner (CatholicMom.com)

 

This world – humans and animals alike – all function on predictability whether we want to admit it or not. The seasons, the days, the nights, all react in time to the rotation of the earth that always spins at the same velocity each and every day, month, and year. Therefore, our lives would be completely thrown off balance if one day the earth did not turn in the correct direction, at the same speed, or if it abruptly stopped turning. In the same way, we, as a people and society, function better on a typical daily schedule than in chaos.

Our bodies and our minds are not meant to live in a chaotic state. Living too long that way weighs on the mind and does not do the body good. In our world, a schedule seems only for the “boring old people” who are too stuck in their ways. Yet, those “boring old people” are the ones who hold the wisdom of the world. Wisdom brings insight, and insight is found after enlightenment into what our bodies are ultimately meant to do.his world – humans and animals alike – all function on predictability whether we want to admit it or not. The seasons, the days, the nights, all react in time to the rotation of the earth that always spins at the same velocity each and every day, month, and year. Therefore, our lives would be completely thrown off balance if one day the earth did not turn in the correct direction, at the same speed, or if it abruptly stopped turning. In the same way, we, as a people and society, function better on a typical daily schedule than in chaos.

Our bodies are meant to function with a consistent sleeping and waking schedule in order to perform at optimum capacity. It is our choice to tap into that potential. As a result, why do we not help our children early on in their lives to feel the security from a predictable schedule?

Thankfully, my mind was slowly being shown what needed to be done within our own lives, to no credit of my own. This was more than likely God’s plan. As we settled into our routine as a new family, I lamented my return to nursing school upon the close of summer. I believed I had finally found my niche in this world in being a stay at home mom. After much consideration, I desired it to become permanent. I knew that our lives would become more quiet and peaceful than ever before because I saw that our child was benefiting immensely with me being home. Gracin was sleeping consistently throughout the night, and, although he still had a lot of extra energy, I saw that when he was home with no unexpected alterations to his day, he responded differently.

With each day that passed, I knew my daily presence in his life could help restore more of his calm, but I felt so weighted down because I was also convinced that I needed to help our family out financially. Before the start of the clinical portion of my nursing school, I only had one class on campus a semester. I had done the rest while my son was only footsteps away, in online classes. Now I was basically going to need to live at school for the next four semesters until I graduated. I felt as if I was failing at being a mother by being away from him even though other family members watched him.

Upon returning home from my first full week in classes, I was excited to spend some extended time with my little boy, but he did not even care to acknowledge my existence as he ran around me in circles. He was overstimulated by so much movement and the lack of predictability from his week. I felt disheartened in hearing about Gracin’s activity level, his protests over his nap, the erratic movements he was currently making, and the ultimate change in my son after only a week of classes. I knew, in that moment, we could not continue on like this.

As I poured out everything to my husband that night after Gracin was in bed, I felt misplaced in my own mind. I knew deep down what the right decision was for my family, but I was scared, scared to admit that everything I had worked for in my potential career could end in a matter of seconds. My husband did not deny any of the things that I said to him. He also believed that Gracin needed me more than we needed the financial gain. We agreed that I could not devote the next two years of Gracin’s life placing him in the care of others. That night we made the decision together, our first real family decision, that in order to give this child what he needed, I could not go to school at this point in my life. I would be a stay at home mom.

Since I no longer needed to support this child on my own, this decision was easier. If I had still been a single mom, stopping school would have not been an option. I felt so blessed to have a husband who wanted me to be able to devote all of my attention to my child. In that moment, I put full trust in my husband to take care of us financially. The rest I placed in God’s hands. Even though many nights I struggled with my decision, it was purely out of my own fear for our financial future. I also knew it was the best thing for this child. My mind kept going back to what Mother Teresa stated once: “There are many people who can do big things, but there are very few people who will do the small things.”

My main focus now was to give myself up for the child to whom I had already given birth. Consequently, in that same month, we found out we were expecting an addition to our family of three. We were elated with joy. With all the blessings before us, I began to put our priorities in order for the future and our growing family.

I already knew how imperative it was for our son to have a strictly kept sleeping schedule. As for the rest of our hours, our time was extremely unpredictable. We ate when we got hungry, went outside when we felt like it, and went somewhere if we did not know what else to do. This type of behavior was not benefiting Gracin at all. I saw his naps slowly dwindling from two hours at seventeen months to one hour at twenty months. I knew we needed to restructure our time; although, I had no idea how. At the same time, I wanted to begin potty-training, and I felt the two would go hand in hand.

Loving the Soul Beneath the Autism is available at Amazon.com.

Read more chapters from Loving the Soul Beneath the Autism.


Copyright 2019 Janele Hoerner

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About Author

Janele Hoerner is the author of Loving the Soul Beneath the Autism: An Interior Analysis of the Impact a Special Needs Child Bestows upon the Family. She wishes to help all individuals to become selfless by the presence of special needs individuals in the community. She lives with her husband and their five children, two of which are on the Autism Spectrum, in central Pennsylvania. Visit Janele's blog at Loving the Soul Beneath the Autism.

1 Comment

  1. Tami kiser on

    What a heroic decision. I’m sure that sacrifice paid off in ways you will never even know. God bless you, Janelle and your beautiful family!

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