This Little Light of Mine: Living the Beatitudes

This Little Light of Mine: Living the Beatitudes
By Kathleen Basi
2013, Liguori

The forward of Kathleen Basi’s new book, This Little Light of Mine says, “No one can teach well what he or she doesn’t know well. The best way to ensure that religious formation “takes” is for parents to live their faith, to be seekers alongside their children. Then, children see that religion is not something you learn about in childhood and consider finished. Rather, it must grow and change throughout life.”

This sums up the mission of this relevant “little” book, which is a terrific resource, not only for parents but also for children. Each chapter begins with quotes from Scripture, followed by a section aimed at Parents (with occasional references to the Catechism of the Catholic Church), a second section for the children and then “Just Live It” suggestions for how to live the virtue (often including an activity or craft.) Interspersed throughout each chapter, the author shares her own relevant life experiences.

There are many pertinent and inspiring quotes in this book…these are just a few:

On humility: “…means accepting what we don’t want to accept…trusting that God has a plan, even if it makes no sense to us,” and the author stresses that regular confession is important in this regard. Mention is made of St. Therese, the Little Flower, who lived the ordinary and did small things to the best of her ability.

On suffering: “As unpleasant as it is, suffering is good for us. It stretches the soul, offers opportunities to grow in ways we couldn’t without it.”

Under Matrimony, Physical Symbols (from the chapter: Sacraments and Private Devotion): “Though we most often think of rings and a white dress as symbols of marriage, neither of those is essential to the sacrament. What is essential is the physical union of the two becoming one (the vows). The marriage act is where the vows, which promise a complete self-gift, become real. This is why the Church teaches that all sexual acts must be open to the possibility of life, for how can couples claim to give and receive each other fully when such a major part of who they are is off-limits to each other and to God? The Church’s least popular teaching simply acknowledges what human beings were created to be. We are most ourselves when we use our bodies in harmony with the way God created them. (My emphasis). Through marriage, we become one; and as one, we look to the future of the possibility of life (openly and honestly.)“ In simple, easy-to-understand language, Basi explains why contraception and same-sex marriage cannot be “in harmony with the way God created” us.

On persecution (chapter 8): “When discipleship leads us to life practices that others find threatening or strange, like using natural family planning or living simply and less luxuriously than the norm, people may roll their eyes and call us out of touch with the real world, or make any number of other belittling, contemptuous remarks.” This is an excellent point: persecution does not necessarily involve martyrdom. If we are living our Catholicity, it will not be popular. I’ve seen my share of eye rolling and criticisms within our own extended circle of family and friends because of our openness to life (and our refusal to get sterilized), our outspoken pro-life beliefs and our stance against same sex marriage.

On faith (chapter 9): “Each of us is called to serve in unique ways; each of us has gifts and contributions to make that no one else can make, purposes for which God put us on the earth.” It is up to each one of us to discern how we are called to serve. One of the most important ways is to promote and bring the Catholic faith to others. As mentioned in the beginning, we cannot promote or teach a faith we don’t know. This Little Light of Mine is an excellent basic guide to Catholicism and is easy to read for both parent and child. It is a terrific resource that can help each member of the family learn their faith better.

Highly recommend!

Order This Little Light of Mine: Living the Beatitudes and support CatholicMom.com with your purchase

Copyright 2013 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Intimate Preparations

“And so I take (my wife) not for any lustful motive, but I do it in singleness of heart. Be kind enough to…bring us to old age together.” Tobit 8:7

“..Now, gird up your loins and arise…”  Jer: 1:17

Which scripture verse more accurately describes how a couple should prepare for the conjugal embrace?   Praying for a singleness of heart, without lustful motive…or girding up one’s loins for “war”?

Yet many couples prepare for intimacy by “girding up their loins:” wearing condoms, inserting diaphragms, taking a pill, putting on a patch, having an IUD inserted, undergoing an operation. It seems to me that these couples are preparing more for “war” than for the marital embrace, “protecting” themselves against unwanted pregnancy, “protecting” themselves against their spouse’s fertility.

Compare that to the couples who do not use contraceptives.  They are generous in opening their marriage to children, and when necessary, they use Natural Family Planning and abstain in the fertile time.  They’re not girding up their loins; they’re not “protecting” each other from an unwanted pregnancy.  When they give of themselves in the marital act, it is a total gift, not a partial one.

The question is: How do you prepare for intimacy?

Some might answer, “We watch porn.”  Others may say, “I make sure my diaphragm is in place,” or “We keep a packet of condoms by the bed.”

And yet…are these really appropriate ways for a couple to prepare for the most intimate act between husband and wife?

Obviously not.

So how can a couple prepare? Here is a short list of helpful ways:

1. Pray Together

Marital prayer is an ideal way to prepare for intimacy. When marital prayer is frequent, praying before relations becomes a logical extension.  The conjugal embrace is itself a prayer.  Let’s review what makes this act so holy and meaningful.  In the marital embrace, with their bodies, husband and wife renew their wedding vows.  Becoming one with our beloved spouse is the ultimate spiritual, physical and emotional experience. We become one flesh…so much so that sometimes, nine months later, we must give the representation of that oneness a name.

2. Throw Away the Contraception

No, I’m not asking couples to have as many children as possible.  But what I am saying is that for the conjugal embrace to be honest and life-giving, it must be free, total, faithful and fruitful.  Natural Family Planning allows a couple to love each other as God loves: freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully.  NFP couples chart the wife’s fertility signs and, if avoiding pregnancy, abstain in the fertile time. They are not using devices; they are giving themselves fully and they are open to children with each and every act of marital relations.  See my previous post on the Theology of the Body in a Nutshell (http://catholicmom.com/2012/09/15/the-theology-of-the-body-in-a-nutshell/).  For more information on NFP, check out my previous post on NFP: http://catholicmom.com/2010/09/30/natural-family-planning-nfp-q-a-by-ellen-gable-hrkach/

3. Healthy Relationship

I know a few couples who fight constantly. These same couples brag that they have a great sex life.  Well, they may have a lot of “good feelings” but when a couple is not getting along in their day-to-day life, sex, even ‘good’ sex, is not going to fix that.  What about the husband who treats his wife in a condescending, critical manner, then expects her to be ready and willing to engage in the marital embrace…or a wife who constantly nags her husband, then wants him to be affectionate to her?  Communicate with one another; treat each other with kindness, respect and love.

4. No Pornography

Some secular marriage counselors recommend that a couple use porn to “spice up their sex life.”  Instead of “enhancing” a marital sex life, viewing sexually explicit videos has the potential of destroying a marriage. Blessed John Paul II said: “…the problem with pornography is not that it shows too much of the person, but that it shows far too little.” Porn trains people to be selfish about their sexuality, not selfless. It teaches them to think about sex as something they take, not something they give. Any behavior that causes a person to be self-centered or selfish is never good for marriage. And…pornography can be highly addictive.  Mary Anne Layden, co-director of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Program at the University of PA’s Center for Cognitive Therapy, called porn the “most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of existing today….pornography addicts have a more difficult time recovering from their addiction than cocaine addicts, since coke users can get the drug out of their system, but pornographic images stay in the brain forever.” 

5. Single Candle Light

I enjoy romantic, candlelit dinners with my husband.  Well, why not a candlelit conjugal embrace? In the 15^th century, it was common for painters to place one solitary lit candle in their paintings to symbolize the presence of Christ. If you have small children or might fall asleep too quickly afterwards, perhaps you can use an electric candle/light…or set an alarm…but be prudent. A simple, solitary light can bring more symbolism to your intimacy.  And…it can help put you both in the “mood.”

6. Focus on Your Spouse

“Intense love does not measure; it just gives.” This quote from Blessed Mother Teresa is an ideal quote for marriage. Marriage isn’t all about “me.”  It’s about “us.”  What are your spouse’s needs?  Think of his/her needs in all facets of your relationship. Intimate ‘memos’ bring a couple closer.  Notes in your spouse’s lunch, special messages left on his workbench or on her desk, daily texts are all ways to intimately connect during the day and let your spouse know you are thinking of him/her.   The important thing is to focus on the other in all things and when it comes time for the marital embrace, this selflessness will follow naturally.

7. We Can Work It Out

When you consider all the day-to-day challenges like children, work, fatigue, family bed, stress and sickness, it’s often a miracle that a couple has the time to engage in marital intimacy at all.  The spontaneity of early marriage eventually gives way to planning for intimacy.  “Family bed?”  Consider another location for the marital embrace.  Mom too tired?  Perhaps Dad can take the kids out to the park while Mom gets a well-deserved rest after dinner. Dad too stressed?  Mom can have a hot relaxing bath waiting for Dad when he arrives home.

Do you want to prepare for the holiest, most satisfying intimate experience possible?  Treat your spouse with respect, pray together, focus on your spouse, don’t use porn and be creative in finding time for intimacy.

To celebrate St.Valentine’s Day, I’ve made the Kindle edition of my book, Come My Beloved: Inspiring Stories of Catholic Courtship FREE on Kindle (Feb. 12-16).  To download your copy, click here: www.amazon.com/Come-Beloved-Inspiring-Courtship-ebook/dp/B0055LH32W/

I’m also giving away one free print copy of Come My Beloved: Inspiring Stories of Catholic Courtship.  Please leave a comment below before midnight PT on Friday, February 22^nd to be entered.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Copyright 2013 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Facing Infertility – A Catholic Approach

When I received a review copy of the newly-published book, Facing Infertility – A Catholic Approach, I was a bit surprised there wasn’t already a Catholic book which specifically dealt with the topic of infertility.  When I searched online, I could only find secular or Christian books on this subject.

Jean Dimech-Juchniewicz’s new book is an ideal resource for Catholic couples who want more information on increasing their chances of conceiving. At the same time, she explains why certain fertility procedures are morally wrong.

Because of a variety of factors, infertility has become increasingly common in our culture. Fortunately, with advances in modern technology, more infertile couples are able to conceive children. However, not all of these modern techniques are morally acceptable.  For example, selective abortion and destroying embryos that are not implanted are procedures that are obviously wrong.  But many Catholics don’t realize that in vitro fertilization, artificial insemination and other modern techniques are considered offenses against our faith (Catechism of the Catholic Church 2376, 2377) and considered mortal sins.

Dimech-Juchniewicz shares her personal infertility experience as well as the various things she learned in the process.  She also includes short testimonies from infertile couples. Chapters touch on topics such as Expecting Fruitfulness, Working Through Denial, Understanding Your Options, Discerning Treatment, Handling Anger, Coping With Sadness, Considering Adoption, Following God in the Midst of Suffering and many others.  Questions for Reflection and Discussion end each chapter. Several extensive appendices list resources for the infertility couple such as “Patron Saints for Infertile Couples” as well as prayers and other helpful books.

This is an outstanding book and an excellent resource. The emotional and spiritual dimensions of infertility are covered exceptionally well.  Information on NaPro Technology and Natural Family Planning are mentioned and resources are given for these morally acceptable ways of achieving pregnancy.

Highly recommend!

Order Facing Infertility – A Catholic Approach and support CatholicMom.com with your purchase

Copyright 2013 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Trust, Fertility and Advent

One of my favorite shows is “Mayday,” a documentary which recounts stories of plane crashes and near crashes.  My favorite episodes are the ones where everyone (or most) survives. Survival usually depends on the skill and precision of the pilots and flight engineers.  I find it fascinating just what can bring a plane down and what can also save a plane.

It dawned on me recently when I was flying back from New Jersey that it takes tremendous trust to get on a plane: trust that the pilots are trained to fly the plane with precision, trust that the builders created a solid, well-performing plane, trust that the mechanics have serviced the plane properly.  After all, which one of us wants to be 20,000 feet in the air when a mechanical problem happens or when a pilot encounters a situation he’s not trained to handle?

Of course, the same can be said for any situation.  We trust our doctors, food companies, school bus drivers and many others.  On a daily basis, we are called to trust those who are human and have the potential of making mistakes.

Consider how most couples “trust” with regard to their fertility.  They take pills, get injections, apply chemical patches, insert devices, consent to operations.  Instead of working with their fertility, they try to destroy it. Instead of embracing their fertility, they fight it. They “trust” that by using contraceptives, they will be able to “control” their fertility.

Newsflash: none of these chemicals, devices or operations are 100 percent effective in preventing pregnancy.  Only complete abstinence is 100 percent effective in preventing pregnancy.  And yet millions of couples put their “trust” in the contraceptive methods on a daily basis.  If the methods “fail,” and a child is conceived, many will resort to abortion.

So what does this have to do with Advent?

Well, a lot.  When told that she would be the mother of our Savior, Mary replied, “Be it done to me according to your word.”  That took tremendous trust in God’s plan for her.  She didn’t say, “Hmmm, let me think about that for a few weeks and I’ll get back to you.”  Without her trust, without her yes, we would not be preparing to celebrate the beautiful feast of Christmas.

Admittedly, the times I’ve appreciated Our Lady’s fiat the most have been when I was expecting a child during Advent and Christmas. I loved being pregnant and feeling the movement of my babies.  It definitely helped me to be more empathetic to what Mary went through: nine months pregnant, on a donkey and making a long journey away from home. It was equally difficult for her to give birth in a stable, surrounded by the smells and sounds of animals.  And yet Mary trusted that this was God’s plan for her and accepted it without question.

So what is God’s plan for us especially regarding our fertility?  I can tell you what it is not: God’s plan is not for us to destroy the gift of our fertility with devices, behaviors, chemicals or operations.  This “trust” that many couples place in contraceptives can sometimes result in an unwanted, permanent loss of fertility and can lead to numerous other consequences as well.  Pope Paul VI, in his encyclical Humanae Vitae (On Human Life, 1968) talks about one of the most common consequences of contraceptive use: “A man who grows accustomed to the use of contraceptive methods may forget the reverence due to a woman, and, disregarding her physical and emotional equilibrium, reduce her to being a mere instrument for the satisfaction of his own desires, no longer considering her as his partner whom he should surround with care and affection.”

God’s plan is for couples to embrace their fertility and to be generously open to life.  Does that mean that God wants us to have as many children as possible?  No, it doesn’t.  God gave us the gift of reason and he also gave us a built-in natural method of avoiding pregnancy that works with fertility and not against it. God, the Author of life, wants to be part of our decisions regarding our fertility.

What about us?  Who do we trust with our fertility?  Is it God or is it a device, operation or contraceptive behavior?

Couples who want to trust God with their decisions will trust Him with all of their decisions, including the beautiful gift of fertility.  When couples have serious need to avoid pregnancy, Natural Family Planning is a moral way to do so.  NFP uses no devices and works with God instead of against Him. Wives who use NFP seldom feel used by their husbands. NFP also works well to achieve pregnancy. It’s healthy, effective and safe.  NFP encourages good communication and strengthens marital relationships.

Advent is the ideal time to rethink who we trust our fertility with.  Do we trust a chemical company? Do we trust a condom manufacturer?  Or do we trust God, the Author of Life?

Learning Natural Family Planning nowadays is as simple as turning on your computer.  My husband and I teach NFP online through the Couple to Couple League (www.ccli.org).  For more information on NFP classes or NFP in general, please comment below or email me: info(at)fullquiverpublishing.com.

Copyright 2012 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Natural Family Planning and Communication

Lack of communication is one of the leading causes of marital breakdown.  For the NFP-using couple, communication is essential.  Procrastination isn’t an option. The NFP couple discusses whether or not they will be avoiding or planning pregnancy. In order to be successful at this, it’s necessary to discuss the woman’s signs of fertility and infertility. My husband has often said, “If you can talk about your wife’s cervical mucus, you can discuss anything.”

To briefly review how NFP works: husband and wife chart the wife’s signs of fertility and infertility. (Note: the man is fertile every day of his post-pubescent life, assuming there are no health difficulties).  The couple then determines the start and end of the fertile time (we call it Phase II).  If they are avoiding pregnancy, they abstain in the fertile time. If they are planning a pregnancy, they engage in relations during this time.  Although it sounds simplistic, there are various scenarios, conditions and more complicated issues that arise, so formal NFP classes (either live or online) are recommended.

One of the keys to each couple’s success in using NFP is effective communication. NFP works best when the couple, together, study and observe the woman’s signs of fertility and infertility. Ideally, each month, the NFP couple discusses whether they will be avoiding a pregnancy or achieving a pregnancy. Because NFP can be used both to plan and to avoid, it’s a good idea to have this conversation every month, even if the couple has decided that they will be avoiding pregnancy for a year or more.  When internal shifts in emotional attitude are brought to the surface, the couple can unite in their efforts to carry out their plans regarding abstinence.

In over 30 years of using NFP, we have found that frequently one of us was more open to pregnancy and the other still wanted to avoid it for the time being.  Sometimes our monthly conversations were long and complicated; other times, short.  The important point is that these types of dialogues are meant to take place well beforehand and not in the middle of the marital embrace.

When the NFP couple is discussing intimate topics such as mucus and other fertility signs, it enhances their marital and sexual life, thereby increasing intimacy.  This sort of communication should also continue when the couple is postpartum (after having a baby) and in post-menopause (after menopause).

When they are avoiding pregnancy, abstinence can be difficult and challenging.  Being able to talk to your spouse and know that you are not alone in the struggles and challenges brings a couple together in love. NFP demands the kind of intimate and deep conversation that a married couple needs to enhance their marriage.  Perhaps this is why NFP couples have a lower divorce rate.

For more information on NFP:

• www.ccli.org
• http://www.thebillingsovulationmethod.org/
• www.creightonmodel.com
• www.serena.ca

Copyright 2012 Ellen Gable Hrkach 

Building a Culture of Life

In John Paul II’s encyclical, Familiaris Consortio, (On the Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World), he states (p. 45) “The Church is called upon to manifest anew to everyone, with clear and stronger conviction, her will to promote human life by every means and to defend it against all attacks, in whatever condition or state of development it is found.”

Our society has become a culture of death.  Here in Canada, since there is no law against abortion, killing an unborn child is legal right up to the moment of delivery. Some contraceptives are actually abortifacient (cause early abortions), rather than preventing conception.  In certain parts of the world, pre-born baby girls are being killed by the thousands simply because they are female.

We need to fight against the culture of death by building a culture of life.  Here are a few ways to do so:

Prayer and Fasting

Never underestimate the power of prayer and fasting. Daily Mass, the daily rosary, a weekly fast (especially on Fridays) and other forms of prayer have more effect than we can possibly realize.  Spiritually adopting a baby in danger of abortion (http://www.spiritualadoption.org/) is a beautiful way we can build the culture of life. I also try to recite the Litany of the Saints daily. We can never know the effect that our prayers have had (until we die), but be assured this is one of the most important ways to build a culture of life.

Use NFP and Be Open to Life

All Christians (not just Catholics) are called to be open to life.  Contraception is
“intrinsically evil,” (CCC 2370) it harms marriages and separates couples physically and spiritually.  Natural Family Planning (www.ccli.org) is a safe, moral and effective way to avoid and plan pregnancies.

Vote Pro-Life

Make sure that your voice heard.  Register to vote and vote often and whenever the opportunity arises.  This can be no more evident than in our upcoming presidential election.  Although I have been living in Canada for 30 years, I have continued to vote in US Federal Elections.

Corporal/Spiritual Works of Mercy

Performing the corporal and spiritual works of mercy will also help to build a culture of life because these works will help build spiritual character.  When we are closer to Christ, we are closer to a culture of life.

The corporal works of mercy, based on Matthew 25:31-36, are: 1. feed the hungry 2. give drink to the thirsty 3. clothe the naked 4. shelter the homeless 5. visit the imprisoned 6. care for the sick 7. bury the dead.

The spiritual works of mercy, commanded or encouraged in many places Scripture, are: 1. admonish the sinner 2. instruct the ignorant 3. counsel the doubtful 4. comfort the afflicted 5. bear wrongs patiently 6. forgive all injuries 7. pray for the living and dead.

Peaceful Pro-Life Events

Attend peaceful pro-life events like the National March for Life (in the USA it is held every January; in Canada, it is held every May), the Hike for Life and other Pro-Life rallies.

Patience and Charity

It’s important to be patient and charitable when speaking to, interacting with or debating with those who are pro-abortion.  Many of these fiercely pro-choice women have had abortions.  Try not to be judgmental.  In some cases, these women were coerced by their partners or parents (those who should’ve been protecting them) into having an abortion.

Be a Good Example

Being a good example of Christian virtue is another great way to build a culture of life. Volunteer at a pro-life women’s shelter, embrace faithful Catholicism and donate money to causes that build the culture a life.

If each of us does our own part, we can help to rebuild a culture of life, one that is an antidote for our current culture of death.

Copyright 2012 Ellen Gable Hrkach

The Theology of the Body in a Nutshell

If we look at the four components of God’s love for us (free, total, faithful, fruitful) and compare God’s love to marital love, we can discover how to live the Sacrament of marriage as the ultimate expression of spousal love.

Free: We need to be able love our spouse freely.  If we ask for conditions, that’s not love.  If we force our spouse to do something, that’s not love.  If we cannot control our passions, if we cannot say no to our sexual urges, then we are not free.  If we can’t say no, our yes means nothing.

Total: The love for our spouse must be total.  We can’t say, “Well, I’ll give you everything, honey, except for my arm.”  Total means total. (Re: CCC 1643).

Faithful: Obviously, faithfulness means we must only have intercourse with our spouse and no other.  If we want to be truly faithful to our spouse, we must be faithful in word, action and thought.

Fruitful: We must allow relations with our spouse to be fruitful, to be open to children, each and every time we have sex.  That doesn’t mean we will conceive (or want to conceive) a child with every marital embrace.  It just means we need to be open.

Birth control, in fact, destroys all four of the essential components of marital love (free, total, faithful, fruitful). Birth control violates not only God’s plan in fruitfulness, but it also encourages an “I can’t say no” mentality to sex. When a behavior, device, medication or operation is used to remove fertility, a couple cannot give themselves totally, no matter how much they love each other. Contraception says, “I give all of myself to my spouse – except my fertility.”

Natural Family Planning allows a couple to love each other as God loves: freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully.  Couples using NFP chart the wife’s cycle and if avoiding pregnancy, they abstain in the fertile time. If they are planning a pregnancy, they engage in relations during the fertile time. They are not using devices; they are fully giving of themselves and they are open to children with each and every act of marital relations.

NFP allows us to love our spouse as God loves us: freely, with no reservation, faithfully and open to children. Marriage can be a holy vocation when a couple loves as God loves: freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully.

Want to live the highest expression of your marital love?  Use NFP and be open to life.

For more information on the Theology of the Body:

• http://www.theologyofthebody.com

For more information on NFP, check out the following websites:

• www.ccli.org
• www.woomb.org
• www.creightonmodel.com

Text copyright 2012 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Teaching NFP has Enriched Our Marriage in Many Ways

We have been teaching NFP for nearly 28 years.  We have volunteered much of our time preparing and teaching classes of many couples over the years, as well as lecturing to marriage prep courses and youth group meetings, but let me share with you what we have gotten out of it.

Admittedly, when we first decided 28 years ago to become NFP teachers after only two years of marriage (and no children) we thought about what we would give, not what we would receive.  We had no idea of the abundant fruit it would bear.

First, we have made so many wonderful friends through teaching NFP. Most of our close friends are couples we have taught over the years. These kinds of friendships which are built on learning and teaching a process that is so closely connected to truth, are lifetime friendships.

For example, we have friends who were considering sterilization when they met us 21 years ago. Having four children born one right after the other, they were being pressured into having a permanent procedure done. We taught them NFP and, eight years ago, they welcomed another child into their family.

Second, we have been able to evangelize in a way that has allowed friends and relatives to take a second look at NFP. Our many contracepting friends and relatives have seen what NFP has done for our marriage. They see a couple with a close and loving relationship who openly have God as their third partner. And while these friends may not ever use NFP, they cannot argue with the success of our marriage.

As well, we have convinced some of these friends and relatives that contraception is not only physically unhealthy, but also spiritually unhealthy.  One day we were at a friend’s anniversary party and a woman asked how we knew the couple celebrating their anniversary.  “We taught them NFP.”

“What’s NFP?” asked the woman.  This started a 45 minute conversation on the benefits and morality of NFP. At the end of the conversation, the woman told us to sign her up for our next class.

Third, teaching NFP is a good example to our children because they are seeing us give our time freely to other couples. They see us doing something to try to “change the world.”  When our oldest son was a teenager, he came with us to a pro-life conference.  We were speaking on the “Joy of NFP.”  Later, he asked us, “What can I do to change the world?  What can I do to help make the world a better place?’

“What brought this on? What do you ask?”

“Because you and Dad teach NFP, do chastity talks, go on pro-life marches, help out with marriage preparation.  I mean, you do so much. I’d like to do something like that.” I was shocked that he had even noticed.

The rewards we have received through friendships, evangelization and example to our children are worth far more than any amount of money.

Teaching NFP is probably one of the most time-consuming things we have ever set out to do. Although there are frustrating times, it is definitely one of the most satisfying decisions we have ever made.

We now teach NFP online.  If you’re interested in learning NFP or in teaching it, email us at info(at)fullquiverpublishing.com or leave a comment below.

Copyright 2012 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Ellen Gable Hrkach

Editor’s note: Today, we share a “classic” column by contributor Ellen Gable Hrkach. This column first ran in May, 2010. I would like to thank Ellen for being such a special part of the Catholic Mom family for the past two (plus!) years. She never ceases to offer quick and insightful help whenever I contact her for assistance. Be sure to check out Ellen’s blog at http://ellengable.wordpress.com to enjoy more of her writing. LMH

“Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord…”Mary’s words in Luke 1:38 echoed loudly in my heart when I found out that I was pregnant for the first time. To say that I was thrilled would be an understatement.

“A sword shall pierce your own soul.” These prophetic words also echoed loudly in my heart when I lost twins early in that pregnancy. And, with the loss, came the realization that being open to life didn’t always mean having a baby in my arms.

‘Openness to life’ is a phrase often used to describe the attitude of those using Natural Family Planning, whether they are avoiding or planning a pregnancy. However, when it comes to actively seeking a pregnancy, another form of ‘openness to life’ comes into play. I like to call it ‘openness to God’s will.’ For, in this openness, a couple truly becomes vulnerable — naked, in essence — before God, exposing them to whatever God allows.

This type of ‘openness’ can mean dealing with a whole range of possibilities: infertility, miscarriage, a baby with abnormalities, a pre-term delivery, a stillborn baby, or a healthy, full-term infant. But, in a sense, this is the same ‘openness’ that Mary embraced when she was informed that she would be the mother of our Savior: “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord…”

To illustrate this, here are some examples:

I know one particular couple who tried for many years, unsuccessfully, to have a baby. They went through denial, then acceptance, of their infertility. The wife questioned God, “Why did you give me a godly man if we can’t have children together?” Eventually, they adopted two beautiful girls from China.

In our own case, James and I have had to endure the loss of seven babies through miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy. Some of those pregnancy losses entailed major surgery and, in two instances, I nearly hemorrhaged to death. During one miscarriage, my spiritual director offered these consoling words, “Perhaps God is asking you to sacrifice the joy of holding this child in your arms so that He may quickly hold your child in heaven.”

Several years ago, a woman from our homeschooling community was expecting her sixth child. At 19 weeks gestation, she began exhibiting signs of early labor. Her son was born and only lived for a short time. However, she shared with me that, as difficult as it was to hold her dying son in her arms, she truly felt blessed. The moment her son died, filled with God’s grace, she more clearly understood in a small way what Our Lady endured by holding the crucified and dead Christ in her arms.

Six years ago, our close friends welcomed a new child into their family. At birth, their son appeared normal, but as she held onto him in those first few moments, she realized that he had Down Syndrome. When she called me, her voice was so full of love for her child that it was as if she was sharing with me that her baby had brown hair instead of blond. Her ‘openness’ to the wonderful gift that God had given to her was a testament to her trust in God and acceptance of grace in her life.

Finally, the idea of total ‘openness’ was illustrated more fully to me a few years ago while I was at the hospital waiting for my youngest son to come out of minor surgery. I watched a mother come into the nurses’ station with her toddler in a stroller (who, in my eavesdropping, I had learned spent a long time in the special care nursery). Unable to catch a glimpse of her son, I watched from a distant position as many nurses gathered around the stroller to see the baby, and I could hear his sweet laughter as he reacted to the different nurses and to his mother.

My curiosity could not stand it any longer. I moved closer to see what this baby looked like. As the child came into view, I’m sure I let out a quiet gasp. His skull was misshapen, his forehead gigantic compared to the rest of his head. Immediately, I felt tremendous pity not only for the child, but for his parents. Then one of the nurses tickled him under the chin and he let out a squeal of laughter, a high-pitched, sweet sound. In that moment, I no longer saw someone who was deformed. I saw a little person who was radiantly beautiful; a representation of innocence and goodness. I felt an overwhelming urge to embrace him.

‘Openness to life’ means accepting God’s will for us. If our baby has disabilities, it is important for us to pray for the grace to handle the challenges. If we must endure the loss of a child through miscarriage or pre-term birth, it is essential not to give in to hopelessness, but to realize that God has a plan for each unique human being he creates.

It’s not easy for a couple to surrender their life-giving capabilities to God’s design and to accept whatever comes from that. True ‘openness to life’ means becoming like Mary, a “handmaid of the Lord.” It means being open to whatever God chooses for us, whether it’s infertility or a child with disabilities, whether it’s a healthy baby for us to raise, or one for Him to hold in heaven.

Copyright 2010 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Ellen Gable Hrkach

I celebrated my birthday recently. My biggest wish was to celebrate with my five sons ages 13-24. A few of them are no longer living at home so I was thrilled that they were all able to be with me. Never far from my thoughts, however, were those seven precious babies I never got to hold, nurse or raise to adulthood.

It is heartbreaking to experience miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy or stillbirth.

After my miscarriages, I found that NFP was a beautiful consolation. I wanted to get pregnant again, but emotionally and physically I wasn’t ready. And with each miscarriage, I needed to give myself time to grieve.

These are some pointers I’ve come up with from my own personal experience in dealing with pregnancy loss:

1) Allow yourself to experience the stages of grieving (depending on the source, the common ones are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). Grief is a unique experience for each person, but grieving is usually made up of several stages.

No matter how far along in a pregnancy, the newly-formed life is exactly that: a human life and the representation of husband and wife in love. The news that a woman is expecting and carrying a baby is usually greeted with elation. But in those first few moments when spotting occurs, and a miscarriage becomes inevitable, the experience can become an emotional (and physical) roller coaster.

2) Trust in God. This was difficult for me. I continually questioned God, “Why did you allow my baby to be conceived when you knew he wouldn’t be born?” Eventually, I experienced a light bulb moment: my baby, even though he died before birth, is a great gift from God and now waits for me in heaven.

During one particularly heartbreaking miscarriage, I cried out to my spiritual director, sharing with him that I was torn between saying, “God, Your will be done,” and “Please, God, don’t make me go through this again.” His loving response was: “Perhaps God is asking you to sacrifice the joy of holding this child in your arms so that He may quickly hold your child for all eternity in heaven.”

For me, the image of my baby in the arms of Jesus was a great consolation.

3) Talk to your spouse and comfort each other. Communication is important, especially in the aftermath of a miscarriage. Couples who use NFP must communicate about birth regulation and how soon the couple will be ready to conceive again. Conversations about fertility, abstinence and planning another pregnancy helped me as I grieved.

It is normal for both husband and wife to grieve. In my experience, because I was the one who carried the child — not to mention that I’m more emotional — miscarriage affected me differently than it did my husband.

4) Talk to your friends, especially those who have gone through miscarriage and pregnancy loss. In many ways, grief is a very unique experience. Some people grieve very publicly; others are very private.

5) Accept Help, especially with things like meals or assistance with other children. Grief counseling can also be helpful.

6) Write your thoughts in a journal. Sometimes I wouldn’t be able to sleep and wanted to talk to someone (and didn’t want to wake my husband). Writing in a journal became especially helpful for me. That journal became my first published article in 1995, “Five Little Souls in Heaven” and later became the basis for my first novel, Emily’s Hope.

7) Take your grief to God in prayer because God grieves with you. Some days, prayer was difficult and all I could manage was, “Please God, help me.”

Karen Edmisten’s new book, After Miscarriage, A Catholic Woman’s Companion to Healing and Hope is a terrific resource for those who have experienced baby loss. Besides sharing her own experience, the author also includes stories of mothers who have endured baby loss (my story, “Eternal Gifts” is included).

For more resources on pregnancy loss, check out this link on my blog: Baby Loss Links.

Image and Text Copyright 2012 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Ellen Gable Hrkach

Last year, on one of the morning shows, a couple was asked to carry a camcorder around while they debated and discussed their decision to have a vasectomy. After the births of three boys — the youngest only a few months old — they made the decision to go ahead and have a permanent solution carried out because their plate was “full with three small boys.” The segment showed the husband at the doctor’s office having the procedure done. They were interviewed two months later and the wife said they were “relieved,” “felt the freedom of not having to worry about more children.”  The man said the operation was “quick and painless,” “very easy,” “great experience.” And, just to convince all the viewers that vasectomy is the best decision a couple can ever make, the doctor stated that there were “no long-term side effects from vasectomy.”

While I find that particular research suspect (i.e. there have been noted long-term side effects), these are not the worst side effects from vasectomy and tubal ligation. The most destructive are the spiritual repercussions. While contraception in itself separates a couple during marital relations, sterilization seeks to separate a couple permanently in their most intimate embrace and the spiritual consequences are far greater and more destructive than any of the physical side effects.

Case in point: we know of a couple who became sterilized after having a large number of children. They knew NFP, but they gave in to the pressure to become sterilized. A few years after the sterilization, however, one of their teenaged sons tragically committed suicide. The year after their son died, they sent out letters to many in the Catholic community informing them that they had been involved in intensive spiritual counseling. Here’s what they wrote:

“During the night before his death, while our son was downstairs writing his notes to us and spending his last hours in utter hopelessness, there were at least three times when we were awake. It seems that it would have been a simple matter for God to prompt one of us to go downstairs and discover the horrible tragedy that was threatening our son. In fact, He probably was prompting us, but we were not living in God’s order, so we could not hear His prompts.”

About their sterilization, they said this: “We knew this was contrary to church teaching so we both went to confession almost immediately afterwards, but we really didn’t have true contrition because of our blindness. Little did we realize the tremendous suffering we would bring to our family, parish and community.”

At the time the letter was written, they were in the process of arranging for a reversal.

Now, I don’t necessarily agree with the cause and effect situation they present. However, I include it here because they believe that their decision to become sterilized was a contributing factor to their son’s suicide.

Other cases in point: three couples we taught NFP to many years ago decided to throw away the NFP charts and become sterilized. Two of the couples are now divorced, one couple is separated.

Children who know that their parents have been sterilized (despite the teaching of the Church that it is a mortal sin) grow up thinking that they don’t have to be obedient to Church teachings on these matters.

Sterilization may seem like the easy way out, but in actuality, it permanently and physically separates a couple not only during their most intimate physical embrace, but in their spiritual embrace and separates them from God. It also serves as a poor example to the children. While there are many physical side effects, the spiritual repercussions are far more dangerous to a marriage.

For couples who need to avoid pregnancy, Natural Family Planning is a safe, effective and moral alternative to sexual sterilization and allows the married couple to remain as one. For more information on NFP: www.ccli.org or email me at info@fullquiverpublishing.com

Text copyright 2012 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Image purchased from iStock

When the rules are followed, NFP can be 99 percent effective in avoiding pregnancy and works well to achieve pregnancy.

A brief overview of how NFP works: a couple charts the woman’s signs of fertility and determines when she is fertile. If the couple is avoiding pregnancy, they abstain from marital relations in the fertile time and only have relations in the infertile times (the average length of abstinence is between one and two weeks, depending on the couple).

Here are some of the most common reasons people think NFP isn’t effective:

1. The couple chooses not to follow the rules or they take “shortcuts.” On numerous occasions, a couple indicated that they were using NFP to avoid pregnancy, then they became pregnant. Upon questioning them, the couple shared that they had relations during the fertile time. “It was only one time.” One time is all is takes for a normal healthy young couple to become pregnant.

2. The couple chooses to use barrier methods in the fertile time. Couples who use contraceptive methods (condoms, diaphragm) during the fertile time may experience an unplanned pregnancy at some point if they continue contraceptive use. NFP’s 99 percent effectiveness rate depends on abstinence in the fertile time. If a couple does not abstain, the effectiveness rate will drop to whatever barrier they’re using. Contraceptive use is contrary to the teaching of the Church and is considered serious sin.

3. “We can’t abstain.” Abstinence is difficult. We don’t try to skirt the issue. But just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it’s impossible. A strong sacramental life is essential to assisting couples having difficulties with abstinence.

4. “My cycles are irregular.” NFP is not the old rhythm method. Most of the calculations and rules are based on a woman’s present cycle. Therefore, women with irregular cycles can use NFP effectively. As well, irregular cycles can sometimes be an indicator that something unusual is going on in the body. Improved nutrition, exercise and simple changes in lifestyle can often produce dramatic results.

No method of birth regulation is 100 percent effective in preventing pregnancy. NFP is around 99 percent when the rules are followed and works well to achieve pregnancy too.

Our own experience illustrates the effectiveness of NFP. My husband, James, and I were very young when we got married, so for the first four years of our marriage, we used NFP to avoid pregnancy. At the end of James’s last year of university, we decided to use NFP to seek a pregnancy. We became pregnant (with twins) in the first cycle. We unfortunately lost those babies early in the pregnancy. But over the next 25 years, we have been successful in avoiding pregnancy when we have had a serious need to do so; and equally successful in becoming pregnant when we have desired it (we have five sons ages 12-24). We were able to use NFP in the postpartum periods and have been able to use it effectively during pre-menopause.

When the rules are followed, NFP is extremely effective in avoiding pregnancy and can work equally well in helping couples to achieve pregnancy. (This is the only method that can work both to avoid and achieve pregnancy.)

We currently offer NFP classes online (classes are limited to eight couples). If you’re interested or have any questions about NFP or its effectiveness, please contact me at info@fullquiverpublishing.com or leave a comment below.

Copyright 2012 Ellen Gable Hrkach

It is through these flashbacks that we become acquainted, not only with Liz, but with the other major characters in the story. We discover how Liz initially met her husband and their romance, how she became a mother.  Like most of us, Liz is not a perfect human being.  She has made both good choices and bad choices throughout her life.  There have been sad moments as well as happy ones.

The other characters include Liz’s husband (Kevin), their daughter (Mary Beth), her sister (Rachel), Anna, the black housekeeper, as well as Liz’s parents and friends.  I especially enjoyed the Catholic flavor of this novel: there are Holy Communions, Catholic weddings and Catholic funerals, and Natural Family Planning (NFP) even makes an appearance when the priest shares with Liz a few quotes by John Paul II and some information on NFP.

I read this book while traveling on a plane and I have to say that it really made the trip go quickly. Dawson (a man) did an outstanding job of writing and creating the narrative voice of a woman.

Lessons in the Journey is an enjoyable read filled with believable characters. The author has a beautiful and engaging writing style which kept me turning the pages quickly.  In flashbacks of Liz growing up, he captured well the feeling of the 60′s and 70′s. The ending was superb.  The cover is eye-catching and nicely done.

Highly recommend!

Order Lessons in the Journey and support CatholicMom.com with your purchase

Copyright 2012 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Welcome to NFP in the 21st century! We don’t have to leave our home to teach NFP and student couples can learn NFP in the comfort of their own homes. They can see and hear us on the audio and video. If students have questions, they use the chat function.

For us, it’s been the answer to a prayer. Three years ago, after teaching NFP for 24 years, we were frustrated at the lack of interest in couples in our local area wanting to learn NFP. We felt fortunate to be teaching one or two couples a year. We wanted to share our knowledge of NFP with others and wished there were more interested couples.

In the past 27 years, we have traveled all over Ontario to teach NFP classes. The most recent long distance class occurred three years ago when three different couples inquired about the possibility of learning the sympto-thermal method of NFP in the Greater Toronto area. For the first two classes, we agreed to meet at the halfway point (each of us traveling two and a half hours) and for the last class, James and I traveled down to Toronto to teach Class III. It was an expensive venture, but we didn’t want to miss the opportunity to teach NFP to enthusiastic and interested couples. However, I told James that I wish that we could teach NFP online.

I didn’t have to wait long for my wish to come true.

A few months later, we discovered that our NFP organization, the Couple to Couple League, was looking for teaching couples to pilot a new online NFP teaching course. We immediately said yes and have never looked back. Since then, we have taught more couples in the past two years than in the previous 15 years.

The obvious advantage of online NFP classes is convenience. Most of the couples we’ve taught enjoy the convenience of not having to leave their homes and get a babysitter, although a few couples have missed the fellowship with other student couples.

One obvious disadvantage is when the internet isn’t working properly. It’s also difficult for us as NFP teachers to judge whether a particular student is grasping a certain concept because we can’t see facial expressions. In a large group, it’s necessary to test the couples frequently to make sure they understand. And…it’s not unusual at least once during each class for some sort of technical malfunction to happen.

For the most part, however, it’s been a joy to teach NFP to so many couples, couples who may not have been able to learn otherwise.

Natural Family Planning is safe, effective and morally acceptable. Learning NFP has never been easier or more convenient. Materials and course fee are required to take the class.

If you’re interested in registering for an upcoming virtual online course: http://register.ccli.org/virtual

If you have any questions, concerns or comments, please feel free to email us at info@fullquiverpublishing.com or leave a comment below.

Copyright 2012 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Natural Family Planning (NFP) provides many benefits that not only promote healthy living, this remarkable method of birth regulation is also environmentally friendly and fosters authentic marital love.

NFP is safe
There are no harmful side effects for either the husband or wife.  It is completely safe, 100 percent natural, and involves no potentially harmful devices or drugs.

NFP is healthy
There are no pills, invasive procedures or long-term drugs.  Women who use NFP know more about their bodies and can discover health problems sooner.

NFP is effective
Used and taught properly, NFP can be 99 percent effective in avoiding pregnancy.  In our experience as an NFP user couple, we have never had an unplanned pregnancy in nearly 30 years.  NFP can also assist some couples in achieving much-wanted pregnancies without chemicals and operations.

NFP costs very little to use
In this economy, NFP is very cost effective.  Other than the cost of the course, materials and the replacement of thermometers, NFP costs very little to use over a couple’s 20 or 30 years of fertility, compared to purchasing condoms, diaphragms, pills and other chemicals or operations.

NFP is environmentally friendly
NFP does no harm to the environment.  Charts can be recycled and there are no chemicals or other devices used.

NFP is marriage insurance
In a study done by the Couple to Couple League (link: http://ccli.org), couples who used NFP had a less than two percent risk of divorce compared to the national secular average of 50 percent.

NFP is morally acceptable
Married couples who use NFP are spiritually healthy because NFP fosters authentic marital love and allows a couple to love as Christ loves: freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully.

NFP works with irregular cycles
NFP is not like the old rhythm method, which depended on regular cycles.  NFP’s charting system works with a woman’s present signs of fertility.

For more information on NFP:
ccli.org
www.serena.ca
www.woomb.org

http://www.creightonmodel.com/

Cartoon copyright 2010 Full Quiver Publishing/James and Ellen Hrkach

Text copyright 2012 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Nowadays healthier lifestyle choices are encouraged: a diet rich in whole foods, fresh fruits and vegetables, low in saturated fat. Unhealthy habits are discouraged: poor diet, inactivity, smoking, excessive drinking.

An important part of a healthy lifestyle also includes making good choices regarding birth regulation.

Moral considerations aside, Natural Family Planning, or NFP, is very healthy. It is a highly effective method of birth regulation, and it also poses no physical side effects. In my experience, NFP fosters a greater understanding and appreciation of the couple’s combined natural gift of fertility. There are no pills or chemicals to harm a woman’s delicate system. There are no devices or operations for either man or woman.

Other methods, however, are not so health-inducing.

Each prescription for chemical contraception (Pill, patch, vaginal ring, injectables) includes an extensive insert outlining the numerous possible physical side effects: an increased risk of weight gain, mood swings, headaches, breast cancer, heart attack, stroke and blood clots. Vasectomy comes with an increased risk of prostate cancer and dementia. Women who undergo a tubal ligation have a higher risk of chronic pain and hysterectomy.

For those who are especially concerned with the health of the environment, chemical contraception is a likely culprit in contributing to the feminization of male fish. Although chemical contraception isn’t the only cause, the following link includes more detail on chemical contraception’s effect on fish:

http://pubs.acs.org/cen/coverstory/86/8608cover.html

A new year can be an opportune time to adopt healthier lifestyle choices. It’s also a great time to learn NFP.

My husband, James, and I are certified NFP teachers and we even teach NFP online. For more information on NFP, check out my previous column entitled, NFP Q & A or email me at info(at)fullquiverpublishing.com.

Text copyright 2012 Ellen Gable Hrkach

I have always been an avid reader

Like anyone, I love a good story, but I especially enjoy a compelling romance or suspense novel. As I grew in my faith, I no longer wanted to read fiction with explicit sex scenes. So I began seeking out Christian fiction. However, I yearned to read good, compelling fiction with Catholic themes.

Partly in response to this desire, I began writing my first novel, Emily’s Hope, in 2001. I’m a certified NFP teacher and I’ve debated the “contraception” issue with non-Catholics, liberal Catholics, ex-Catholics and non-practicing Catholics. So when I sat down to write my first novel, I knew that not only did I want to write a compelling story, I also wanted to include information on the Theology of the Body and NFP. I figured that if I was going to write a novel, I wanted to write one that had the potential of evangelizing.

Emily’s Hope is the story of “Emily” (loosely based on myself) and “Katharine,” my great-grandmother. In the seven years since it’s been published, I’ve received many letters from “fans.” One teenager approached me at a Catholic conference and said, “You know, Mrs. Hrkach, your book helped me to understand the Theology of the Body better than any textbook I’ve read.”

With my second novel, In Name Only, I wanted to write a Catholic historical romance that would be hard to put down, a romance that didn’t shy away from Catholic teachings on sex and marriage.

Amazingly, In Name Only won the Gold Medal for Religious Fiction in the 2010 IPPY Awards (the first Catholic novel to do so). It was in the top 100 of Religious Fiction and Christian Romance for six months and continues to sell extremely well on the Kindle. One reviewer on Amazon.com writes, “When I read In Name Only, I was floored. It was so good! I could not stop reading it! I read it in a weekend staying up until 2am on Sunday night/Monday morning to finish it even though I had work the next day… what really gripped me was how Ellen Gable took Theology of the Body (TOB) and turned it into a novel. TOB is near and dear to my heart. I loved how she incorporated the teachings of the Church and weaved them into such a complicated storyline…”

My third novel, Stealing Jenny, is a suspense thriller about the kidnapping of a pregnant woman. The husband and wife protagonists are open to life, NFP-using, devout (yet imperfect) Catholics. One of the main characters is not religious. Another character is a born again Christian. I purposefully created Stealing Jenny so that the teaching was more subtle. And, of course, I wanted to write a book that was hard to put down. Therese Heckenkamp of Traditional Catholic Novels, said “When I had to put this book down, I literally could not wait to pick it up again…Stealing Jenny is a smoothly written, chilling tale of gripping suspense. There are terrifying moments and heart-wrenching moments. Catholic faith and hope are tested. Above all, the sacredness and privilege of precious new life is made indisputably evident.”

A few weeks ago, Stealing Jenny hit #1 in Drama/Fiction/Religious on Amazon Kindle and has remained in the top ten for the past three weeks.

A warning: my novels, although not explicit, do deal with mature themes and are appropriate for teens and older.

All my books are available on Amazon.com in print or on Kindle.

Of course, my novels are not the only Catholic alternatives to secular “trashy” novels. Do you have a favorite contemporary Catholic novel? Please feel free to comment below.

Copyright 2011 Ellen Gable Hrkach

Editor’s Note: This month, Ellen Gable Hrkach has graciously donated two Kindle versions of her wonderful book Come My Beloved: Inspiring Stories of Catholic Courtship. To enter to win this wonderful collection, leave a comment below by Midnight on Saturday, November 26, 2011. 

“Love one another as I have loved you.” John 13:34-35

As baptized and confirmed Christian/Catholics, Christ resides in each of us. If we consider the love that Christ gave us when he died on the cross was his freely chosen gift, totally given, faithful to the point of death and that gift was fruitful (redemption of mankind which opened up the gates of heaven), and if we consider that we are called to image Christ, then we must love our spouse in the same way.

Our love must be free. “I lay down my life…No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord.” (Jn 10:18)   We cannot be coerced to love or forced to engage in relations, even marital relations.  Our love must be freely-given.  Couples who use contraception have the potential of being slaves to their passions.  If one cannot say no to sex, then their yes means nothing.

Our love must be total.  “Greater love has no man than this, than a man lay down his life for his friends.” (Jn 15:13) There can be no holding back.  Within the context of the conjugal bed, this self-gift must be total: no contraceptives or contraceptive behaviors.

Our love must be faithful. “I am with you always to the close of the age.” (Mt 28:20) Christ was faithful to the Father and faithful to each one of us.  In the sacrament of marriage, we have made a lifelong commitment/vow to our spouse and we must remain faithful in everything we do.  It is obvious that we ought to be faithful with regard to the conjugal bed, but there are many other areas we can be unfaithful that do not include sexual relations (fantasies, flirting etc).  The use of contraception or contraceptive behaviors separates a couple during their most intimate act.

Our love must be fruitful.  “I came that they might have life and have it more abundantly.” (Jn 10:10) Christ’s death brought life to us and opened up the gates of heaven.  Married love must also bear fruit.  The most obvious fruit is the gift of children. Couples who contracept are purposefully thwarting this essential life-giving aspect of conjugal relations.

Following God’s Joy-Filled Plan for Marriage, that is, refraining from using birth control (and using NFP for serious need to avoid pregnancy) can, at times, be challenging and difficult.  Without Christ’s grace, it would be impossible.

Christ trusted in the Father’s plan that he die for our sins…He didn’t really want to suffer, but knew that it had to be done (“not my will, but yours”).  We, as married couples need to trust in the Father’s plan for married love which includes openness to life and, if there are serious reasons to avoid pregnancy, the use of Natural Family Planning.  Even though NFP may be difficult, it will be worthwhile because if we trust God, God is very trustworthy and graces abound for the spouses individually and as a couple.  The couple who trusts in God’s plan will be very happy together, are able to help each other get to heaven and will remain as good examples not only to their children but to all those around them.

As baptized and confirmed Christian/Catholics, Christ resides in each of us.  With regard to God’s plan for married life and love, we need to love our spouses as Christ loves us: freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully.  We need to allow Him to work more in us and to trust His plan for us.

Editor’s Note: This month, Ellen Gable Hrkach has graciously donated two Kindle versions of her wonderful book Come My Beloved: Inspiring Stories of Catholic Courtship. To enter to win this wonderful collection, leave a comment below by Midnight on Saturday, November 26, 2011. 

Update: Congratulations to our winners Kristi and Brian — Ellen will be in touch soon to deliver your Kindle version of Come My Beloved. Enjoy!

Copyright 2011 Ellen Gable Hrkach

The Holy Rosary – Prayers of Love  

“When lovers are together, they spend hours and hours repeating the same thing: I love you! What is missing in the people who think the Rosary monotonous, is Love.” Sister Lucia of Fatima

I have been a Catholic for my entire life, but it is only in the last 26 or so years that I have had a devotion to the Holy Rosary. I attended Catholic schools until seventh grade. As a teenager, I would have identified myself as Catholic, but between television and secular influences, I didn’t totally embrace my faith until after I was married. This was only because my husband insisted that we not use contraception during our marriage.

As we dialogued back and forth in those few months before our wedding day, I didn’t know or understand why the Church taught that married couples shouldn’t use contraception to avoid pregnancy. In fact, I remember thinking that the Church just ought to come out of the Dark Ages and get more in line with the modern world.

In the end, I decided to trust my husband (and the Church). In the next year, we read Humanae Vitae, as well as other church documents, and I became fully convinced that the Church was indeed speaking the truth when she declared that contraception was a grave sin. Before we were married, we learned Natural Family Planning and we are now a CCL NFP Teaching Couple Specialist (and have been teaching NFP for 27 years).

During that first year of our marriage, a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses came to our door. My husband and I welcomed them and dialogued with them. Most of their questions centered on Mary: “Why do Catholics worship Mary?” “Why do you say such a monotonous repetitive prayer?” “Why is Mary so important to Catholics?” First, we gently explained to them that Catholics don’t worship Mary; we honor her. As for the other questions, I realized that I didn’t really know the answers, so I did some research.

To the question “Why is Mary so important to Catholics,” what I found out could probably fill an entire book. However, my own thumbnail answer is this: Jesus honored his mother. We, as Catholics, are called imitate Christ. He honored his mother and we should do the same. Also, as Jesus hung on the cross, He gave his mother to the whole world when He said to John, “Behold your mother.”

Mary is indeed our mother and, as our mother, she desires us to be closer to her Son. The rosary is the ideal way for us to become closer to Him, because as we say the repetitive prayers (with love), we are meditating on His life.

I have found that saying the rosary has brought me closer to my husband and to Christ. Even after 29 years of marriage, we continue to say “I love you,” just as we continue to say the rosary together, with love.

Text and rosary photo copyright 2011 Ellen Gable Hrkach
Sky photo copyright Josh Hrkach

“Married love is also faithful and exclusive of all others, and this until death,

Faithful and exclusive until death: these are the hallmarks of married life.  Unfortunately, divorce rates have skyrocketed since the early 1900′s. (In 1910, the divorce rate was one in ten…it is now one in two.

It is no surprise that the number one cause of divorce is adultery.  Adultery is not new to the 21st century.   However, the original proponents marketed birth control as a “happy marriage builder.”  Unfortunately, 100 years later, the opposite appears to be true.

As human beings with a fallen nature, we need deterrents.  If jails disappeared, crime rates would increase.  While some criminals would commit crimes regardless of the deterrent of jail, many, if not most, people would avoid committing crimes to avoid jail.

Until the 20th century, the main deterrent to committing adultery for both men and women had been pregnancy.  It didn’t stop everyone, but for the majority of the world’s population for the past couple thousand years, it was a concern which prevented most people from straying.

By the mid-20th century, contraception had become easily available.  Now that the physical deterrent of pregnancy had been removed through contraception, there were less reasons to refrain from this sort of behavior, at least from a strictly secular perspective.

Although it can’t be proven that the only reason divorce rates have skyrocketed is because of contraception, it’s a natural progression to say that the availability of contraception as well as the widespread acceptance of its use have increased incidents of adultery.  As well, nowadays most couples (Catholics included) engage in premarital sex, another natural consequence of the availability and acceptance of birth control.   People who engage in premarital sex are statistically less likely to remain faithful in marriage.

One need only to look at the sports world, to politics and to the entertainment industry and the recently publicized affairs to see the harmful effects of adultery to families. Adultery hurts not only the innocent spouse and children, it also harms society as a whole and it causes scandal to all parties involved.

Let’s contrast that picture with couples who do not use contraception and instead use NFP. These couples have a less than five percent chance of divorcing.  While it would be untrue to state that NFP couples are never unfaithful, it is true to state that statistically, it is less likely.  Men and women who have practiced self-mastery in the area of sexuality and in the use of NFP are much less likely to stray from vows of faithfulness.

Although contraception was marketed by its early proponents as a “happy marriage builder,” experience has shown that it has contributed to higher divorce rates. Contraception has taken away the deterrent of pregnancy and has increased premarital and extramarital sexual activity.

Copyright 2011 Ellen Gable Hrkach