All manner of thing can go wrong in the life of an ordinary person. Spouses lose jobs, family members get sick, pets die, and we are sometimes disappointed when a long-cherished hope is dashed.  And we can be left feeling anxious and worried.

When life gets me down, I look for a little pick-me-up from a medieval hermitess.

Julian of Norwich is one of the most well-known English mystics of the fourteenth century.  She is held in high esteem by Catholics, Anglicans, and Lutherans alike for her glorious description of 16 mystical visions of God, which were given her during a grave illness at the age of 30.  Her Revelations of Divine Love permeate a tenderness for Christ that is both immense and exquisite . This love motivated her to dedicate her life to the service of God in a most extraordinary way – as an anchoress – one who is holed up within the walls of a church or cathedral, with little contact with the outside world.  Her cell had three windows: one to hear the Mass and receive communion, one to communicate with her servant by, and one to dispense spiritual guidance to any who sought her wisdom.

What has a 14th century mystic possibly teach a  21st century mom like me about life?

As it turns out, plenty.

Some time ago, during a particularly difficult time, I happened upon a quote that gave me great comfort, and introduced me to this most extraordinary woman.  They are words, which bring into sharp focus a reminder to trust in God in every circumstance. It has become a prayer for me when a child is ill or struggling, or when my husband’s business goes through a rough spell, or when a bit of news is unsettling, or when I’ve lost my temper.  This prayer imbues seemingly unimportant or thankless tasks with a hopeful, joyous aspect.

“All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well”

It means that no matter what little thing goes wrong, how badly I’ve messed up, or how hopeless a situation seems, God loves me.  And because He loves us all, He has given us means of reconciling ourselves to Him, to growing stronger, and doing better.  And it is that knowledge of His love that gives us secure hope that He cares about our every need.  All that is required of us is that we seek Him first (Matt. 6:25-34).  And all manner of thing shall be well.

I hope that God will use what I write to encourage spouses and parents to focus more on the many joys of family life, and worry less about the things that can make us feel defeated.  Because when we find joy in ordinary life, we give thanks to Him who gave it.  And when we are grateful, we can see, and respond to, grace in even the most difficult of circumstances.  And in responding to grace, we grow in holiness.

Copyright 2012 Nissa Gadbois

All manner of thing can go wrong in the life of an ordinary person. Spouses lose jobs, family members get sick, pets die, and we are sometimes disappointed when a long-cherished hope is dashed.  And we can be left feeling anxious and worried.

When life gets me down, I look for a little pick-me-up from a medieval hermitess.

Julian of Norwich is one of the most well-known English mystics of the fourteenth century.  She is held in high esteem by Catholics, Anglicans, and Lutherans alike for her glorious description of 16 mystical visions of God, which were given her during a grave illness at the age of 30.  Her Revelations of Divine Love permeate a tenderness for Christ that is both immense and exquisite . This love motivated her to dedicate her life to the service of God in a most extraordinary way – as an anchoress – one who is holed up within the walls of a church or cathedral, with little contact with the outside world.  Her cell had three windows: one to hear the Mass and receive communion, one to communicate with her servant by, and one to dispense spiritual guidance to any who sought her wisdom.

What has a 14^th century mystic possibly teach a  21^st century mom like me about life?

As it turns out, plenty.

Some time ago, during a particularly difficult time, I happened upon a quote that gave me great comfort, and introduced me to this most extraordinary woman.  They are words, which bring into sharp focus a reminder to trust in God in every circumstance. It has become a prayer for me when a child is ill or struggling, or when my husband’s business goes through a rough spell, or when a bit of news is unsettling, or when I’ve lost my temper.  This prayer imbues seemingly unimportant or thankless tasks with a hopeful, joyous aspect.

“All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well”

It means that no matter what little thing goes wrong, how badly I’ve messed up, or how hopeless a situation seems, God loves me.  And because He loves us all, He has given us means of reconciling ourselves to Him, to growing stronger, and doing better.  And it is that knowledge of His love that gives us secure hope that He cares about our every need.  All that is required of us is that we seek Him first (Matt. 6:25-34).  And all manner of thing shall be well.

I hope that God will use what I write to encourage spouses and parents to focus more on the many joys of family life, and worry less about the things that can make us feel defeated.  Because when we find joy in ordinary life, we give thanks to Him who gave it.  And when we are grateful, we can see, and respond to, grace in even the most difficult of circumstances.  And in responding to grace, we grow in holiness.

Copyright 2012 Brian and Nissa Gadbois

It was an innocent enough question.

“I don’t go to Mass”

“Oh… You wanna come with us?”  Two of my neighbours went together each week.  They walked down and back when the weather was nice.  “If we go to the 10:15, there’s donuts after.”

“Sure.  Let me check with my mom and see if it’s OK.”

I checked.  It was OK.

Mom wasn’t the church-going type but she believed in letting me explore things.  I knew about God, I knew about Jesus, we had even read little bits out of her King James Version Bible.  I had been around people of all faiths – Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, Jews, and Protestants of all kinds.  And Catholics.  I liked it all.  I liked that there were people who believed so much in something that it governed how they behaved.  I liked that they had neat holidays and traditions to celebrate who they were and what they believed.

I only remembered going to church once before.  I was probably about three, which means that we were living in North Carolina at the time.  My mother’s friend was supposed to be singing there.  My impression was of something that looked like a scene out of the book “Because of Winn Dixie”.  There were folding chairs on an institutional-style tile floor, like the kind in a grocery store or school.  There were tons of people there, crammed in close.  I don’t remember a sermon, or readings, or any form or structure to the worship.  I DO remember loud music; and people sweating, jumping up and shouting, moving around with their hands in the air.  It was terrifying.

It’s a wonder I was game to try again.

But Sunday came, and I got dressed in my nice clothes and shoes.  I had heard stories about how my mother wore gloves and a hat to church when she was a girl.  I didn’t have either, but I made an effort to be as pretty as possible.

We got to the Church and there were people coming from different directions, filing up the steep steps and in through the heavy wooden doors.  A nice man handed me a bulletin and gestured for me to enter the church.  My friends stopped to dip their hands into a font of water and bless themselves.  I did the same.  And then I looked up.

The amiable chatter and bustle fell away.  I heard only the soft strains of the organ playing a hymn I didn’t know, smelled only the deep perfume of generations-old incense which had since become part of the very walls and furnishings, my eyes were filled with the majestic beauty of the old altar, and my heart and mind would soon be captured by courtliness and antiquity of the liturgy.

And I was at home.  I knew that I was right where I was supposed to be.  I had been claimed by a faith, by a people, by God.

I was ten years old.

On that day, I received a gift.  It was given to me, as it is to each of us, in response to accepting an invitation. We have no idea of the infinite treasure contained in that gift until we begin to unpack it and respond to each cherished piece.   With each new discovery, another is revealed.  Comprised of the Scriptures, the teachings of the Church, her traditions, her sacraments, her Saints, it is precious and inexhaustible.  It all points to a loving God, who pursues us with all of the ardor of a young lover, all of the romance of a faithful mate, with all of the steadfast tenderness of a lifelong companion.

I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine. (Songs 6:3)  Now and forever.

I’m sure that my young friends had no notion of the Holy Spirit working through them, nor that they were introducing me to the Love of my life.  But I am eternally grateful.

Copyright 2012 Brian and Nissa Gadbois

The same is true, or should be true, of families. Every family needs at least one exemplary family on which to model themselves. For a fortunate few, their own parents provide that model. And that is the way it should be, it is what we should strive for as parents – to be the model for our children’s families to follow. But for many of us, there need to be other mentors. It is possible, even desirable to have more than one family to look to for guidance.

Choosing a mentor family demands some contemplation. You must first understand what you want your family to be. In order to do that, it is important to make a mission retreat as a couple. During your weekend, you may even bring up the name or names of families you know who are successful at family life in its entirety, or in a particularly important aspect for you.

If the couple(s) you choose are people you know personally, consider approaching them about sharing the secrets of their success. Don’t be afraid to say something like, “Your family is such a wonderful example. We would really love to have a family that works together so well. How did you do that?” Chances are they’ll begin by saying that it wasn’t always that way, or that life isn’t 100% perfect. They will follow by telling you what steps they took to shape their family into a beautiful model. It is possible that you will want to delve more deeply into how their family became who they are. You could ask to have them visit one night for dinner, or to arrange to meet somewhere for a quiet night out. The lessons they impart can be the key ingredients to making your family one you hope will be a model to others one day.

If the family you want to take for a model is a prominent one about whom there is a written history, be sure to take the time to read everything available about them, particularly if it is something written by themselves, or by one of their children. Examples of good, and well-known role models for families might be former presidents, prominent businessmen and women, activists, writers, saints. Choose not only those who have achieved the success you want, but also those who have overcome challenges similar to those that your family faces. Finding and traversing a trail cleared and mapped by others makes our journeys easier, clearly sets out our path, and offers us solace and encouragement along the way.

Who is your model family?

Copyright 2011 Brian and Nissa Gadbois

Too often, we look for occasions to be offended. And we generally find them. We often expect bad things to happen, sometimes as a means of protecting ourselves from disappointment. But what winds up happening is that we become pessimistic, baffled, disheartened, angry… empty. And that feeling can spread through a family and invade every aspect of life. It is often subtle, leaving us with a vague sense of need.

Gratitude changes everything. It changes your point of view entirely. It is like seeing through new eyes. It makes loving – the act of caring for oneself and others – easier, richer, complete. Gratitude allows us to not only love our families more fully, but to reach out to others in small but meaningful ways every day, and in everything we do. Gratitude is a massive catalyst for change in our own lives, and in the world around us.

It’s surprising how quickly an attitude of gratitude can take root and flourish – in ANY family. It matters not at all how far from ideal a family is. It can be done in a breath. As long as it takes to pick up notebook and pen is as long as it takes to make an immediate and lasting change.

Being thankful in all things, today, right where you are physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally has the power to radically transform lives. It requires no special skill. All that is required is a desire to try, a notebook and a pen.

Choose a notebook from your favorite bookshop, one with a nice cover– or make your own from a good quality composition book that you cover in paper, fabric, or other media. And think about choosing a special pen to write with. One that feels really good in your hand, one that is beautiful to you. Writing in your journal should feel important, significant. Because it is.

Copyright 2011 Brian and Nissa Gadbois

Life can get the better of us, if we aren’t grounded in faith and centered on family. It’s easy to fall into parenting by remote control. That doesn’t mean putting the kids in front of the television, although that is often one of the negative features of conventional, passive parenting. It means becoming a reactive parent, falling back on methods of parenting which only seem to solve the problem in the moment, but can cause a whole host of new problems to pop up later.

Conscientious literally means “with knowledge”. If we are to be effective, conscientious parents, we must have knowledge – of our children, of our purpose, of ourselves. Conscientious requires constant mindfulness, a willingness to think through everything we do – often before we do it.

Parenting conscientiously means setting early expectations – for ourselves and for our children. It requires us, as previously stated, to have an understanding of each child’s gifts, talents, and abilities. Through forethought and understanding, we create an environment that nourishes a child’s soul. Using gentle re-direction, conscientious parenting dramatically reduces behaviour problems at every age. It is never too late to begin.

Conscientious parenting is an important component of Family Centered Living. It requires a higher level of commitment from parents. It demands much more spiritual and mental energy than conventional parenting; and can be exhausting initially. But the rewards are many, and splendid.

Copyright 2011 Brian and Nissa Gadbois

Agents of Change

If we really want to make a change in our families, we must be willing to model for them the changes we want to see. It isn’t enough to simply say that “this is the way things are going to be”. We cannot expect our children – or even our spouses – to do what we say. They are much more likely to do what we do. And when a couple “does” together, the effect on the family is wondrous.

Have you ever noticed that the behaviours we see in our children and spouses are often a mirror of our own behaviours? It is sometimes difficult to admit. How many times have we thought, in a fit of temper, or in a reactionary moment “Oh, my goodness! I sound just like my mother (or father).” If we stop and listen or watch our children, we might just find ourselves saying “Oh, my goodness! They sound just like me.”

We want to be able to say that with satisfaction and delight. We must model the qualities we wish our families to display. That is challenging. It means surrendering our pride and being willing to be the vanguards of change. It means being mindful of our own behaviours in the moment – even before the moment. We must admit our weaknesses and make an effort to overcome them.

Actions Speak Louder

If we want our family to have graceful speech, we must learn to control our own language. That can be difficult to achieve if we have grown up around rough talk, especially in stressful periods. If we want a family that works well together, we must be willing to take the time to serve our spouse and children. If we want to be more prayerful families, we must pray. If we want a family that is more patient with each other, we must learn to slow down, to make eye contact, and hear what another person’s needs are.

We must mean what we say, and show it by putting it into practice for ourselves.
Often, the single most important component to changing ourselves is slowing down. When we are hurried, we become reactionary rather than thoughtful. When we are reactionary, we turn to our basest instincts to solve the problem at hand. This often leads to feelings of guilt, and generally provokes more trouble. If we can consider before responding, we act effectively and demonstrate appropriate coping skills.

Another strategy for changing undesirable behaviours is the use of an object or phrase to stop ourselves as soon as we realize that we are reacting. There is a story about a famous actor who kept a rosary in his pocket to remind himself not to use profanity. Phrases like “red light!”, or short ejaculatory prayers can also be helpful in regaining composure. Eventually, we will be able to see a troublesome situation arising before it becomes a crisis; and be ready to handle it with aplomb.

Copyright 2011 Brian and Nissa Gadbois