Questions of Good and Evil in Difficult Times

All week our nation united together in shock and disbelief as news unfolded about the terrible tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut. In the immediate aftermath and over the days following, many stories reported as “fact” were changed so often that even today I’m not certain what is truth and what is speculation.  However, I do know that there will never be a direct answer to the question, “Why did this happen?”  

At times such as these, I turn to God, on my knees, begging for His grace and mercy to be present; for Him to be with the families of those involved, to shield them, give them strength, and protect their fragile hearts throughout this horrific nightmare.

I’ve heard people asking “Where was God?” and “Why did God allow this to happen?”  I turned to my Catechism to see what the church really believes in “evil” and how they answer the question of why God allows evil to happen.

Whether you believe it in or not, evil exists in our world. There are those who may try to explain away an evil act as a developmental flaw, a psychological weakness, a mistake, or the consequence of an inadequate social structure, etc., but evil is a direct consequence of sin and it comes from humanity’s rejection of God and opposition to Him.  Sin is an abuse of the freedom that God gives to created persons so that they are capable of loving him and loving one another. (CCC 386-387)

The source of all sin can be found at the beginning of the history of man, with the first original choice to turn away from God, and sin has marked the whole of our human history.  All sin, no matter how small, leads us toward evil and away from God.  

However, it is important to realize that God is infinitely good and all his works are good. (CCC 385)  He does not do evil and He does not condone evil. He gives us free will to act. He gives us the free will to choose whether we act out of love for Him and thereby for one another, or to shut ourselves off from His love and grace.  Unfortunately in our world, there are persons who choose sin, who choose to be separated from love, who choose evil.

When faced with this evil, we also have free will to choose our response.  We can harden our hearts with grief and hate or we can seek and find God’s love. For He knows what good may come from our grief. Only God is able to take evil acts and use them to bring light to darkness. He knows we need help fighting evil and so He sent us a Savior in his son, Jesus, to lead us.

Isaiah 40:1 reminds us that before Christ’s birth, God said “Comfort, give comfort to my people.”  During these last few days of Blessed Advent, as we wait in joyful hope for our Savior’s birth, let us all give comfort to one another in person and in prayer. 

The victory that Christ won over sin has given us greater blessing than those which sin had taken from us: “Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more.” Romans 5:20   (CCC 420)

Copyright 2012 Shelly Kelly

What Do Catholics Really Believe? Death

Last week my husband’s aunt died and I was asked to select something to read for her non-denominational memorial service. In preparation and also because this is the Year of Faith, I turned to the Catechism to rediscover what the Church teaches us about “Death.”

The actual Catechism contains many references to Death; just the broad index headings read: after death, as limitation of earthly life, Christian dealings with death, Christian interpretation of death, death of Jesus, and separation of soul and body.

Considering how many references are made to Death, I opened up the YouCat, a recent publication of the Catholic Catechism in a Q&A format targeting young people. Here I found:

“How does Christ help us at our death, if we trust in him?

Christ comes to meet us and leads us into eternal life. “Not death, but God will take me” (St. Therese of Lisieux.) [1005-1014, 1016, 1019] Someone who dies, trusting in God and at peace with men, and thus without serious sin, is on the way to communion with the risen Christ. Our dying makes us fall no farther than into his hands. A person who dies does not travel to nowhere but rather goes home into the love of God, who created him. “

I love the idea that in dying we fall into Christ’s waiting, outstretched arms; that our loved one does not simply cease to exist, but is at home in the love of God. It has a beautiful imagery to which all people, young and old, can relate.

I turned back to the CCC referenced by the YouCat entry, Dying in Christ Jesus. Death is the end of earthly life. (CCC 1007) Death is a consequence of sin. (CCC 1008) and Death is transformed by Christ. (CCC 1009).

What’s that? Death is a consequence of sin? Reading on, I learn that the church teaches us “death entered the world on account of man’s sin. Even though man’s nature is mortal, God had destined him not to die. Death was therefore contrary to the plans of God the Creator and entered the world as a consequence of sin.” (CCC 1008)

This sounds so punishing, so shameful. The original sin of Adam and Eve brought us suffering and death not original to God’s plan for us? It’s almost depressingly sad. Still, fear not, because “Jesus, the Son of God, freely suffered death for us in complete and free submission to the will of God, his Father. By his death he has conquered death, and so opened the possibility of salvation to all men.” (CCC 1019)

Because of Christ, Christian death has positive meaning. (CCC 1010) In death, God calls man to himself. (CCC 1011) Death is the end of man’s earthly pilgrimage, of the time of grace and mercy which God offers him so as to work out his earthly life in keeping with the diving plane, and to decide his ultimate destiny.” (CCC 1013) In the Roman Missal, Preface of Christian Death I we read, “Lord, for your faithful people life is changed, not ended. When the body of our earthly dwelling lies in death we gain an everlasting dwelling place in heaven.” (CCC 1012)

Upon reading this passage, I knew that I should read from the Holy Gospel According to John 14: 1-6 “Jesus said to his disciples: “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You have faith in God; have faith also in me. In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places. If there were not, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back again and take you to myself, so that where I am you also may be. Where I am going you know the way.” Thomas said to him, “Master, we do not know where you are going; how can we know the way?” Jesus said to him, “I am the way and the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

In dying we fall into the arms of Christ Jesus, who waits to carry us home to the love of God.

Copyright 2012 Shelly Kelly

Dealing with the Breastfeeding Debate

It seems that this summer the issue of breastfeeding featured very prominently in the news, whether it’s the Time magazine cover promoting attachment parenting or Mayor Bloomberg’s voluntary program that hospitals only provide formula to new mothers upon their direct request.

In May, when the Time magazine cover of a mother nursing her not-an-infant son splashed across the media, I didn’t jump on the bandwagon with an opinion. I didn’t even read the article, which I’m told was about attachment parenting. But I cringed at the headline: “Are you Mom enough?”

Being a Mom is difficult enough without this faux-challenge to always be something better, something more. I guess it generates conversation and sells magazines, because suddenly everyone was talking about breastfeeding. A few months later,  NY Mayor Bloomberg launched a citywide initiative designed to support breastfeeding mothers by restricting the promotion of formula in post-partum wards.

What’s a working mom to do?

I nursed all three of my children for a time. Because I work outside the home, I had to find a realistic solution for feeding each child that would allow me to continue nursing as long as I could when I returned to the office. Thirteen years ago, my employer didn’t have a room where I could pump, but fortunately I worked close enough to our child care provider that I could nurse on my lunch hour. We supplemented with formula twice a day and this nursing/formula combination lasted for nine months.

When I had my second daughter, I couldn’t nurse during the lunch hour, but I did have a private room to pump and a good electric double pump machine.  She received a combination of pumped milk and formula and because she was fed almost entirely from a bottle, she quickly learned that food comes from the bottle, not mommy, and we struggled to make it to six months. She self-weaned to the bottle and cup very quickly.

With both of my daughters, we did what worked for us without regard for what all the “experts” demanded and both girls turned out just fine.

I had planned to use the same combination of nursing and formula with my third baby (my birthday surprise); however, when he was two or three weeks old, one of the doctors casually mentioned to his medical students that if a mother is going to breastfeed exclusively, she has to do it for at least six months in order for babies to get the full benefits. At the time, he was trying to reassure me to not feel guilty about weaning to formula to go back to work, but it had the opposite effect.  Before I realized it, I had set myself the goal of nursing exclusively for the first six months. I didn’t really think I would be able to do it, and naturally I reminded myself that using formula didn’t hurt my girls and wouldn’t hurt him.

I don’t know what combination of factors helped me reach that goal.  It might have been that I was much more relaxed with this baby, having him later in life, or that my employer worked with me to make sure I had privacy for pumping. I nursed him every morning on one side while pumping from the other. I pumped if he skipped a feeding, and I maintained a regular schedule at the office. I froze pumped milk for emergencies and somehow we managed. Having a good electric double pump turned out to be a real necessity. I can’t say that saw any particular difference in his health, from my experience with the girls, but my overall experience nursing this baby felt easier.

Whether you choose to breastfeed, pump and bottle feed, or supplement with formula, you absolutely have to do what’s right for YOU and your family. Don’t let anyone pressure you into thinking you have to do it one way or the other. Your baby will be fine in the long run and you will be more relaxed and able to enjoy motherhood.

Copyright 2012 Shelly Kelly

Photo copyright Karen Bryant. Used with permission.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

If life sometimes has a theme, then this Robert Frost poem describes mine.

Last year I got a crash course in surrendering myself to God’s will, not mine, when I became pregnant (at 40). It’s easy to let God lead when you’re already going in that general direction. It’s much more difficult when He takes you down a side trail you hadn’t even considered. But then you get going down the path, stumble a few times, find your footing, and quit looking back at the previous road.

Then you move on, from cautiously following the trail to walking a bit more steadily. You’re looking around at the terrain, checking out the map, looking ahead at new places you want to go, making plans, and feeling pretty confident about this new journey. Life is good.

And He strikes again – presenting you with an unexpected fork in the road. You had no idea it was there; it wasn’t even marked on the map. In one direction is a comfortable, well-worn path with no visible challenges. In the other direction lies the unknown. There are no promises. The trail He’s presenting you with winds up a hill and isn’t visible. Suddenly you’re standing – frozen – wondering which way to go.

I took the new path.

If you’ve noticed I’ve been a bit quiet here lately, it’s because a few months ago I changed jobs, leaving my 17-year career. It came as a huge surprised to many people, myself included, because I always expected that if I left my career it would be to stay at home with my children and write. Instead, I’ve gone to work for the “family business.” The change involved not only leaving a rewarding career, but also required us to sell our home and move to a new city, leaving behind the familiar.

I struggled greatly with the decision to leave my comfort zone and embrace this completely new challenge. It has not been easy, and the irony that just last year at about the same time I found out I was pregnant was not lost on me. Both turns in my life came with great surprise, both came with hesitation, both offered great promise, both brought about major life changes.

Sometimes opportunity knocks when we least expect it. And that has made all the difference.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV)

Copyright 2012 Shelly Kelly

I also started a new habit. After loading up my smartphone with the Rosary Army podcast, I committed to praying the rosary daily either on my way to work, or on the drive home. Using the RosaryCast MP3 to first lead and now guide me, I’ve learned some of the prayers I’m less familiar with, particularly Hail Holy Queen. I’m also learning the mysteries and trying to really reflect on them during the prayer.

There are days when I pray the words cheerfully.

There are days when it feels like a real chore.

There are days when it feels routine and my mind wanders.

There are days when I can barely choke out the words through my tears.

There are days when the words are a very real and physical comfort to me.

There are days when the rhythmic repetition soothes me.

When I pray the Rosary, I imagine Mary riding with me in the front seat, someone to talk with during the drive. I tell her my thoughts, whatever weighs on my mind, particularly people I’m praying for. Sometimes I have specific requests, and other times I allow the Holy Spirit to inspire me.  Someone I know expecting a baby, the victims of a tragic traffic accident that happened outside the office building last week, or just an unknown woman walking down the street with two young boys and a baby in her arms.

I envision Mary taking these petitions up to our Christ Jesus, her being in His presence, just a Mother spending time with her son.

Copyright 2012 Shelly Kelly

Slowing down is not in my nature, so being still, resting, and accepting the fact that I couldn’t do as much as I’m used to, proved to be a real challenge. I’ve always worked outside the home  and my daughters are 12 and 9, so it’s been a while since I’ve had a baby or been out of the office for an extended leave. When you’re at work, staying home sounds like a luxury. Oh, to have time to do laundry during the week, or clean the house properly, or read uninterrupted, or write without distraction while the kids are in school and the baby is sleeping. Before delivering my son, eleven weeks sounded like such a long time that the planner in me designed all these projects to achieve.

Being home for maternity leave was anything but the above. It took me four weeks to turn off the “must-achieve-something” part of my brain. After that first month I threw out the entire idea of accomplishing projects and accepted that any goals must be proportioned appropriately. Finally I understood why Faith and Family’s “Seven Quick Takes” is so popular. If you don’t keep track of the little things, a whole day passes without feeling as though you’ve accomplished anything at all! You go to bed wondering what on earth did I do all day.

Here are several of my post-partum observations from a type A “older mom” overachiever. (Well, I thought I was one until this baby arrived.)

• Newborns come with three settings: nursing, fussy, and asleep. When he falls asleep you have a pretty big decision to make. You can lay him down and try to get something done, or stay on the couch and hold his warm, cuddly, little body, listen to him breathe, examine his silky soft head, pray, read, or watch a little tv until it’s time to nurse him again.
• Watching the Food network cooking shows is going to make you hungry and want to cook. This tends to be problematic when you’re laying on the couch holding a sleeping baby. Dozing is a much more appealing alternative.
• If you spend all day watching HGTV house shows like House Hunters or Designed to Sell, I promise you will walk around your own house lamenting the fact that you don’t have the perfect kitchen backsplash, hardwood floors, or granite countertops. Let’s not even think about the fact that you haven’t vacuumed your carpets since you came home from the hospital.
• Don’t schedule tree service, bee removal, cable tv installation, or an electrician during the first two weeks, even if someone is helping you out at home. Trust me on this one.
• Keep a little tote or caddy handy with things you need within reach while nursing. Some of my items included cell phone, house phone, tv remote, lanolin cream, diaper rag, Kleenex, and my copy of A Book of Saints for Catholic Moms.
• Immunizations, heel sticks, and circumcision for the baby is actually more difficult for you. The baby won’t remember a thing, and may not even cry, but the fact that something sharp has pierced their skin is seared into your heart.
• Hormones make you crazy. Postpartum hormones are more powerful than pregnancy hormones. You can go from weepy exhaustion to “I will kill you before you come near my child” in the blink of an eye.
• It’s okay to start a load of laundry and not finish it on the same day. It’s also okay to run a load of laundry every day, instead of doing it all on the weekend. It’s not advisable, because then you feel like all you’re doing is the laundry, but it’s okay.
• Don’t answer work emails or phone calls. If you worked right up until delivery, the office will actually try to contact you for the first two weeks, unable to accept that you’re really and truly “not available.” You can stay in touch and send them pictures, but the first time you answer a work-related specific question, you open the flood gates and it won’t stop.
• Personal connection is important. It’s easy to feel isolated and alone at home with a baby all day. The Facebook app on my iPhone is a lifeline connecting me to friends, although it’s tricky to compose long messages. (I prefer a keyboard to texting.)
• It’s much easier when other people are at home. My daughters, being 9 and 12 years old, were a huge help. Though I don’t enjoy their fighting over who gets to hold the baby, I do appreciate that they willingly change diapers. I also love having my husband around on the weekends. I love him and just his presence at home is comforting to me, even when he’s stretched out on the couch, baby nestled in his arms, watching a football game.
• Getting out of the house is a very big deal. Running an errand prevents the day from turning into one long monotonous blur of tv, nursing, laundry, eating, and trying to pick up the clutter. Of course I kept thinking that I would attend daily mass at 8:30 a.m. but I didn’t make it until the end of my leave.
• Babies can go pretty much anywhere. At three weeks, I brought the baby to an all-day softball tournament. It took me two hours to get out the door, but we saw three of the four games. At five weeks old, we took him on a thousand-mile round trip to three different places for Thanksgiving week. By the end of the week even I thought I was crazy, but we survived.

Copyright 2012 Shelly Kelly

I don’t remember much about my first pregnancy, twelve years ago. As the oldest daughter, I was the first to be pregnant, so I received a lot of attention; felt a lot of pressure to do things a certain way, and all of it was a new experience. At the end, I had a brand new beautiful daughter and (despite reading all the books) absolutely no idea what I should be doing. There is nothing quite like the hands-on challenge of learning how to be a new parent.

Eight weeks into my second pregnancy, my mother-in-law died very unexpectedly. There was nothing about that pregnancy that I enjoyed. My husband, my family, was turned upside down with grief, anger, frustration, sorrow. We were both just a few months into new jobs, and in the last two months before delivery I became very ill. Even now, nine years later, the basic emotions that stand out from those eight months are crushing depression and frustration. However, in the very second that our second daughter arrived, I received the most overwhelming joy and peace I’ve ever known. Her birth, after those terrible months, brought a brilliant radiance into our lives.

Finding out I was unexpectedly pregnant again at forty was a challenge. Even though I knew the end of this journey will bring a new sense of joy, I had to allow myself time to wistfully look at the path we were traveling and looked forward to, now being closed off. Anytime you’re forced into a life detour, there’s an adjustment period necessary to get your bearings, make a plan, and look ahead. I found myself focusing on these ideas during prayer time.

God knows what He is doing.

God knows the path He wants me on.

God’s will be done, not mine.

Very early in my pregnancy, I gave Him this baby, this pregnancy. The past nine months have not been without sorrow and emotional moments, but because I’ve surrendered myself to God’s will I’ve handled it differently.

Since my last pregnancy created so many unpleasant memories, I’ve really tried to discover and focus on little moments to appreciate and enjoy the miracle of life growing inside me. Despite the growing uncomfortableness that comes in the last six weeks, I can actually look back over the past nine months with few regrets.

A friend who became pregnant a few weeks before me delivered last month. Seeing the photos of her newborn made my own impending delivery suddenly very, very real. It was hard to believe that in a few short weeks I would be cradling my own newborn. For the first time in my pregnancy I actually felt a moment of real excitement, a glimpse of that promised joy.

Copyright 2011 Shelly Kelly

When my oldest child was a baby and I was nursing, I tried to limit most of my travel and one time I invited my mother and sister with me so I could bring my daughter along. After she weaned, I left her home with my husband to manage, and this practice continued as our family grew. On several occasions, my parents offered to keep our daughters so my husband could join me on my travel. Now that our daughters are older, I watch for opportunities, particularly during the summer, to bring the whole family along.

There have been a few occasions where I’ve been unable to travel, because family comes first. I’ve also left conferences a day early for dance recitals and other important events. While I thoroughly enjoy traveling and my role in these organizations, God finds ways to keep me humble.

Last year I cancelled attending our regional meeting in Santa Fe, NM (where I’ve always wanted to go and haven’t been) because the meeting coincided with my younger daughter’s First Communion. The regional meeting wouldn’t normally be a scheduling conflict, but this particular year it took place earlier than usual. I also could have scheduled a private Communion on another weekend, but I knew how important it was for her to celebrate this Sacrament with her CCE class.

A few weeks before the event, the regional president informed me that I would receive a major award at the conference I wouldn’t be attending. It was a big honor to me, and I’ll confess, it was something I coveted, so I couldn’t help feeling that God must have planned this coincidence to keep me focused on what was more important and to keep me humble.

Now that I’m expecting another baby, I don’t know how much work-related travel will be in my future. It’s been nearly a decade since I traveled with an infant at my side or at home. Again, God’s touch and timing appear to be involved, my role as officer on the national board is term limited. Other appointments will be coming to an end during this next year, and I’ll trust God to show me the path He wants me to follow. I’ll miss the CNMC in October, and any other potential travel can be limited to cities close to home until next May, when the regional meets in Arizona. God willing, I’ll be there toting around a seven-month old son, and perhaps the rest of the family will be able join us and make a mini-vacation out of the trip.

How often do you have to travel out-of-town for work, and how do you juggle childcare for your family?

I laughed really hard, because it’s completely true and it captured one of those areas where I often feel inadequate.

My mother kept a cross-stitch sampler on the wall in my childhood home that read, “Dull women have immaculate houses.” So I can’t really credit her with raising us to be a “traditional housewife” or any other specific female stereotype. Still, I must have learned from somewhere that “as a Mom,” I’m supposed to keep a clean house and provide my family with healthy meals.

Whatever.

I need a maid.

Heck, I need a Mom.

Doesn’t everyone have a floor, especially in the kitchen, that makes you just cringe? How does it get so dirty? I’m never home! That goes double for the carpet. If we’re only home for a few hours every evening, why do I have to vacuum it more than once a month?

The other adult women in my life have “perfect” homes. They can go from “Oh it’s crazy around here” to picked up for company in about an hour.

I need at least two weeks.

If our families were going to come our house for a holiday or other event, I’d actually need to request an entire day off from work to clean the house.

My sister and sister-in-law love figuring out what color to paint something or how to decorate the walls. Everything matches. No really, it’s darn impressive. My other sister-in-law just moved into a new house and she’s an artist. Enough said? Definitely.

I have a house filled with hand-me-downs, hand-me-overs; there are exactly three pieces of furniture that I bought. (The roll-top desk, my daughter’s dresser, and the entertainment center that the tv doesn’t fit anymore. Wait.. four! We bought an Ikea bookcase for the bedroom.)

Thanks to Lisa and my sister-in-law, with many other family members willing to help paint, my house was slowly developing the potential to look -maybe- decorated. They shared some of their vision, selecting paint colors for the inside of my house. They’ve brought me curtains that look beautiful (how do they know?) and even rearranged furniture. Of course now, we’re spending weekends purging closets and considering how to move our daughters from separate bedrooms to a shared one, in anticipation of our new arrival due this October.

Lately I’ve found myself wondering how do other working moms deal with the constant mess. And with her one simple FB status, my friend reminded me – sometimes we don’t.

Copyright 2011 Shelly Kelly

My sister has three children.

My brother has three children.

I have two.

Over the past five or six years, people have asked me if I planned to have another baby. Because I have two daughters, the question is most often phrased as, “Are you going to try for a boy.”

Over the past five or six years, I’ve answered no. I have a long list of reasons: We like having two girls. There’s no guarantee we’d have a boy. We couldn’t afford daycare for three. I’d have to quit my job. We can’t afford for me to quit my job. I’m out of shape. And as the years crept by I added another excuse, I’m too old.

Although after my sister had baby number 3 and I watched them play and grow together I reminisced about my own childhood with two siblings. And as my brother and his wife began having their children, I considered it again.

I’d watch my own daughters interact and occasionally feel that someone was missing from our family. Then I’d remind myself of all my reasons and dismiss it from mind. My husband must have been feeling the same, because he began asking why we didn’t have another baby. I’d tick off all my reasons, how our baby years are behind us now, and that we have so much to look forward to now that the girls are older. We’ve started really enjoying traveling with them. And in nine short years they’ll both be off to college.

Lisa and I began blogging two years ago and my life began changing. I felt a strong calling to change my life, focus on new goals, and plan a new direction for my life. One morning I woke up disgusted with my body. I joined Weight Watchers and lost 20 pounds. I envied Lisa’s toned muscles, so I gave up my excuses and joined the personal fitness training offered at my university. I lost another 5 lbs., built muscle, changed my eating habits again, and got into shape. I felt like I was twenty-four again. Last month I celebrated my 40th birthday feeling strong, empowered, with a positive look on what the year holds for me.

God gave me a surprise 40th birthday present a week later, though I didn’t find out until the beginning of February.

I’m pregnant.

The first three weeks were one big blur of shock and disbelief. And those were just the reactions I receive when I tell people!

My husband is happy, though he admits that at times he feels like the snowman in the snow globe watching that last snowflake drifting slowly down into place, when suddenly someone picks it up and gives it a good shake! Our daughters are excited and happy, asking me constantly how I’m feeling and what is the baby developing today.

I’ve had some of my worries alleviated by various friends. When I mentioned my concern about being forty, I heard from others how their own mother was forty when they were born. When I’ve worried about the 12 and 9 year age difference between this baby and my daughters, I’m reassured by others about their own positive relationships with siblings with similar age differences.

While I’m now warming up to the idea of having a new baby, I admit I had some difficulty wrapping my mind around the changes this baby will bring. I never imagined having a baby at this time in my life would be God’s call for me. Like Moses I find myself saying, But God….. But God…. Like Moses, I must trust that God will provide me with everything I need to get the job done.

In the meantime – it’s been a long time since I’ve done this and your advice and prayers are welcome. I’d really love to hear more stories about how other women dealt with a surprise pregnancy over forty.

Copyright 2011 Shelly Kelly

These are gifts for Christ Jesus.

What do you give our Lord at Christmastime? It seems the whole world is at odds with faith these days, so to help us discover and remember the real meaning of Advent and Christmas, our church held a “Gifting of Christmas” event, inviting families to “shop” at various booths for gifts. We didn’t need our purse, wallet, or credit card – everything available for purchase was bought with faith. Each family member selects a card labeled with an age-appropriate act representing that gift, and after performing the act we add the card to a decorated shoebox placed under our Christmas tree.

Our gifts for Jesus are Joy, Patience, Respect, Human Dignity, Forgiveness, Peace, and Hope. Here are a few ideas of how you can also purchase these gifts for Christ.

Joy

• Say “Merry Christmas” to the clerks at stores, restaurants and others you meet.
• Send a Christmas card to family member(s) or friend(s) who you haven’t contacted recently.
• Smile and say “I love you” to each family member when they least expect it.

Patience

• Wait your turn without complaining.
• Do not interrupt Mom or Dad when they are on the telephone.
• When your children demonstrate patience upon your request, say “Thank you for your patience.”
• Be patient with others as God is patient with you.

Respect

• Don’t interrupt when someone else is talking.
• Take time to listen to a family member even when you are in a hurry.
• Ask before you use someone else’s stuff.

Human Dignity

• Do something nice for a family member, neighbor, employer or classmate.
• Make a “Have a Nice Day” or “Jesus Loves You” card or craft for shut-ins. (Drop off at the Time & Talent office.)
• For the 12 Days of Christmas (Dec. 25 –Jan 5) name one good quality or gift of each family member and share with them each day.
• Visit a nursing home and spend time talking to or playing a game with the residents.

Forgiveness

• Receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation
• Say a kind word to someone who has been mean to you.
• Say “I forgive you” when someone tells you they are sorry for hurting you.

Peace

• Stay quiet when someone else is trying to speak to you or the group you are in.
• Promise to turn down the volume on stereos in cars or rooms at home.
• Spend ten minutes of your day in silence for one week.

Hope

• Pray for the Christian Action Ministry.
• Smile and give a compliment to two people each day.
• Write a note of encouragement to a friend or family member.
• Call someone who is lonely or sad; cheer them up just by showing someone cares.

Copyright 2010 Shelly Kelly

“Oh no,” my friend chuckled with that all-knowing smile, “It gets harder and believe it or not, you’re busier. “  While the puzzled look developed on my face, she continued, “It’s hard to imagine now, but it’s completely different. You’ll really miss this age.”

Of course I wouldn’t believe her at the time. Would I really miss the diapers, the saggy body, the weariness, the struggle at mealtime, reading the same book over and over and over?

Now that my children are 11 and 8, I look back on her words recognizing the truth.  In addition to my own schedule changing to reflect my work activities and personal interests, it also must incorporate my daughters developing school needs, homework, CCE, after-school sports, and social activities.  This fall my older daughter started intermediate school, where they are raising the stakes by teaching her time management, a hard –though vital – lesson to learn.

During particularly crazy weeks I struggle to find some sense of calmness. Every minute of the day seems to have a purpose, require something to be finished.  Whether it’s staying up very late learning not to procrastinate on major school projects, or coordinating how to get one to Girl Scouts at the same time Pastoral Council meets, or bringing both with me at the last minute to a reception where I’m the main speaker because my husband got stuck in traffic, I’m not sure whether I’m coming or going.

For the past three days I’ve found myself constantly singing this one particular prayer under my breath, finding peace in the calm chanting repetitiveness.

Calm me, Lord, as You calm the storm.
Still me, Lord, keep me from harm.
Let all the tumult within me cease.
Enfold me, Lord, in Your peace.

Some moments I watch my sister/s in law managing their still-very young children and realize I really do miss that age.  Those early struggles are forgotten, replaced with memories of pigtails and laughter. Every age of our lives is different; every year brings new adventure, new discovery, and new challenge.


Copyright 2010 Shelly Kelly

“Mom, I don’t feel good.”

It’s my experience that those words are usually followed by someone throwing up in the bathroom. Sometimes it includes fever, coughing, congestion – any combination that means someone isn’t going to school or daycare that morning, and – just as importantly – one of the adults is staying home from work.

A sick child in our house brings a carnival ride full of emotion, and it’s not a “fun house.” While making my daughter comfortable I’m simultaneously running through the day’s schedule in my head. What’s happening at work today? Can I postpone an 8:30 a.m. class presentation? What about that 2 p.m. meeting with a donor… can my assistant handle that? What could I handle from home?

As the clock ticks down the minutes towards 6 a.m. the bargaining-negotiating with my husband begins. Can he stay home in the morning while I make the classroom presentation? If the “can’t miss” item is in the afternoon, maybe my mother—nearly an hour away—would drive over to help?

I sit at the kitchen table making the required phone calls – to my boss, my assistant, a donor requesting a reschedule – with my older daughter watching me carefully. When I finally hang up the phone she pipes up, “You’re really good at that. You sound real important.”

Once the adrenaline of bargaining is over and everyone else leaves the house, I walk around the house frustrated and disoriented. Sickness just interrupted my family’s schedule and we work best when we’re following our daily routine.

And then the guilt arrives. What kind of mother doesn’t think first about her sick child?! My baby is sick! It’s not an inconvenience, it’s my child. Why am I worried about work when my daughter is running a fever?

Concern arrives on the heels of guilt. Should I call the doctor? How long is she going to be sick? Is it a sinus infection? Allergies? Asthma? What if it develops into something serious? What if it lasts for more than a day? If I get her into the doctor’s office today, will they be able to say what it is? This is a big dilemma and I’ve erred on both sides of this equation. If you call the doctor too quickly on the first day, it could be that whatever the illness is won’t be developed enough to diagnose and then you’re off work a few days more and seeing the doctor a second time. However, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in the Dr. office and heard the word “virus” followed by those dreaded words “…5-7 days to run its course.” Where other moms might have the luxury of waiting out a fever or stomach bug, I have to figure out what to tell my boss.

Invariably, somewhere in this unexpected, unscheduled day at home, I find myself sitting on the couch, stroking the forehead of my sleeping child. For a long moment, I’m filled with overwhelming parental love for her. My day may be interrupted and nothing is being accomplished, but I thank God that she’s not seriously ill. I pray for those children who know real suffering and their families who have much, much more to worry about.

Copyright 2010 Shelly Kelly

As school children across Texas and other parts of the nation returned to school this past week, my oldest started a new school.  This transition from elementary school to intermediate presented challenges, but as a full time working mother, one was more difficult to resolve.

For the past ten years I’ve been fortunate to have a trustworthy daycare that offers infant-care through elementary after-school care, so I have never worried about my children being safe while I’m working.  Somehow during all of the intermediate school orientations last April and May,  I came under the impression that our neighborhood, our street, would be on a school bus route offering me a secure way for my daughter to come home after-school.  Growing up, I rode a school bus to middle school, and we lived half-a mile closer than we now live to my daughter’s school.

About two weeks before our vacation in early August, I learned that there is no bus.  We just barely fall under the “two-mile” boundary that requires my child to be a walker or find other transportation.  That panicky feeling spread over me as I realized I needed to find a car pool.

My having used a child’s daycare and after-school care, I don’t have any experience asking other mothers to carpool and be responsible for my child. With the reciprocal implication of the word “car-pool,” I knew I would need to be available to take my turn at driving, but again, apprehension reared its ugly head.

First I checked with the only other sixth grader on our street; her mother formed a carpool back in May and though she offered to try and work us in, they didn’t have room.  I struck out calling four other parents, checked out a van service, learned our long-term child care provider doesn’t pick up from intermediate school, and felt sorry for myself for the following week.

I also prayed.  Often.

God provides.

One Sunday after Mass,  I mentioned my dilemma to another mom in passing, not knowing that her 8^th grader attended the same school.  Though we don’t live in the same neighborhood, she offered to help me out the first week, until I could find something more permanent. The weekend before school starts, she contacted me to let me know that she’d added two more families to form a “carpool,” putting my mind at ease.

As I prayed about it Sunday night, I recognized the intricate web of how I’d met this mother, and how God used her not only to help me, but also to introduce me to others.  I sometimes wish He would provide what I need on my schedule instead of His, so I continue to ask God to grant me the faith to believe and patience to wait.

God bless the mothers who came to my rescue.

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” (Psalm 37:4,7)

Copyright 2010 Shelly Kelly

When my children were younger, there was no discernable difference between summer vs. school time. My infant and preschooler continued attending their preK-daycare facility year-round. As they grew older, their childcare facility offered summertime weekly field trips as well as the opportunity for swimming, tennis, and golf lessons. Both of my girls learned to swim through the summer program, and though neither one expressed any interest in tennis, my older daughter tried her hand at golf once.

Last summer we tried something new, rotating through various week-long day camps that offer a swimming opportunity (not lessons). We also attended our first-ever week of Vacation Bible School at the Catholic church.

I don’t think either of my girls realized that other kids stayed at home during the summer until they entered elementary school. Before going to public school all of their friends were the other children at their PreK-childcare facility, and they played daily without exception.

When they started public school, I worried that they would realize they have a different routine from other kids. We maintain the same bedtime and wake-up schedule during summer as the school year. We still have to pack a lunch and get out the door at the same time every day. There are no lazy mornings sleeping in or bored afternoons in front of the television. We can’t have random, unscheduled, playtime with school friends from down the street. I worried because they won’t have the same experiences, the same memories, that I created in my own childhood.

However, I realize that much of my worry is because I know the difference. Every summer I get a case of the Working Mom Blues because I know they’ll never appreciate summer boredom. They might never know what it means to sleep until noon. Still, I stress over identifying the most appropriate summer care for their age and activities without over-stressing my budget. I suspect there are many working mom’s out there who share the same anxiety that comes when comparing our own childhood summer memories with our children’s present-day realities.

Yet I needn’t worry. While I know there’s a difference, my children don’t. They seem perfectly happy to attend this week’s gymnastics camp with swimming on the side. I can focus on my job knowing they’re active, engaged, and making new summer friends. Meanwhile, my 7 year old’s biggest complaint is that we don’t have a pool in the backyard like Aunt Lisa.

I wonder if our neighborhood pool has underwater lights for after dark.

Copyright 2010 Shelly Kelly

Today, I’m absolutely thrilled to welcome talented blogger Shelly Kelly to our CatholicMom.com family of contributors!  Shelly and her sister Lisa Jones comprise the blogging team at the always-inspiring Of Sound Mind and Spirit blog.  Shelly will join us monthly to share her thoughts and perspective on the challenges and joys of being a working Catholic mom.  I’ve prayed for quite some time about providing more resources for the moms who visit our site and who work outside the home – Shelly is truly an answer to that prayer, and a great friend too!  I hope you enjoy getting to know her here and that you’ll share your thoughts on what you’d like to see in her columns!  Lisa

I was having a conversation with my sister, Lisa Jones,  about her regular column at Catholic Mom. I’m so proud of her in how she’s developing as a writer and I’m impressed with her Little Moments and insights about daily events. She wanted to know when I’d be submitting regular columns to Catholic Mom. She seemed surprised when I told her that I don’t really feel like a “Catholic Mom.”

And I don’t. When someone asks me who I am or what I do, Mom is not the first response that comes to mind. I’m simply “Shelly” and the titles that follow are complex.

After years of developing and evolving my own self-identity as a daughter, sister, college student, graduate student, employee, Certified Archivist, wife, sister-in-law, mother, and Catholic, I’ve never considered myself just one of those things. Because I had a career that I loved first, and did not have the choice of leaving it when I had my first child, I’ve never really thought of myself as “Just a Mom.” I’ve always been a “Working Mom.” I’ve worked hard to find and maintain a sufficient balance in my two lives and do what works for our family.

I still love my career. I’ve been very fortunate to have a supportive employer and access to positive, trustworthy, childcare. My job is five minutes away from the house and elementary school. The school is dominated by some wonderful stay-at-home moms who are as high-powered in their role as “Mom” as I am at my office. Ironically, at a time when many of my friends who left their careers to stay home with infants ten years ago are re-entering the workforce, I find myself wondering what it would be like to stay at home.

When I read posts that are 100% focused on being a Mom, I don’t always connect. I can easily see and understand the working-mom vs. stay-at-home mom debate. I occasionally listen to Lisa vent about having to do this or that and not having any time and in the back of my mind I’m thinking, “Yeah? Well I have to do the same things and I’m working 40 hours a week around it.”

I’d like to write more for Working Moms out there – our struggle to find that balance. My challenge will be finding the right tone. I don’t want to come across as complaining. I love my job. I love my family. I want to be successful at both, even though I recognize that I might not be perfect at both.

I want to connect with more women who know what it means to feel conflicted when they can’t take a day off work to go on the school field trip with their kindergartener. Or who have to say to their older child you can’t join the church choir because they practice from 4-5 p.m. and I just can’t get you there. But women who also love their career, their job, and know that feeling of satisfaction on the days when it all just clicks into place and you feel like you truly have it all.

So I’m challenging myself to write for those of you in the same situation. Please let me know you’re out there and what you’d like to hear about. We’re “Catholic Moms” too, even if we don’t feel like it all the time.


Copyright 2010 Shelly Kelly