We promoters and teachers of NFP use a lot of breath and ink letting everyone who comes near us know that.

It’s 99% effective!
It’s moral, it’s safe, it’s healthy, it’s inexpensive!
It strengthens marriages!
Yipee!

But a few recent conversations – both online and ‘in the flesh’ – have made me wonder if perhaps we sometimes give the wrong impression about what couples using NFP to postpone or avoid pregnancy can expect to experience.

“By it’s very nature the institution of marriage and married love is ordered to the procreation and education of the offspring and it is in them it finds its crowing glory” (Catechism of the Catholic Church 1652).

God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit exist from all eternity in loving communion with each other.  Each and every one of was created us not because God is somehow lacking without us – for God lacks nothing – but because the infinite love of the Trinity desires to create others, many others, made in His image and likeness, with whom He can share that love for eternity.  Marriage, and in particular the marital embrace, is the way in which human beings most closely image this fruitful, creative love of the Trinity and so the logical outgrowth of authentic marital love is the desire for that love to bear fruit in the form of children who can then participate in the loving communion of persons that is a family.

So, by design and definition Christian marriage is supposed to result in children and, in the beginning, God’s plan was for every marriage to result in many children who would go on to have many children themselves and the communion of saints in heaven would become ever larger.

Because of original sin, however, we do not experience marital love – or any of life – as it was intended by God in the beginning and many couples find that at some point in their marriage they have serious reasons – physical, material, psychological or social – why they should not conceive another child. These couples do what is right by cooperating with God’s plan for them and using NFP to avoid pregnancy.  However, in a perfect world – a world without sin- pregnancy and childbirth would never be difficult or dangerous, there would be no poverty or material lack, there would be no friction or division or ‘issues’ between husbands and wives or between parents and their children. In short, there would never be a good reason to avoid pregnancy, so NFP would be totally unnecessary.

Obviously this is not a perfect world and sometimes NFP is necessary, but it’s OK to be a little unhappy about that.  Using NFP to avoid pregnancy can be a joyful experience in that it is a way in which we cooperate with God’s will for us, but disappointment that the sacrifice required by NFP is necessary is not evidence of weak faith or lack of trust in God or contempt for the teachings of the Church or anything of the sort.  Usually is it simply the (often subconscious) realization that we live in a fallen, sinful world and that the sacrifice and suffering result from that were not a part of God’s original plan for humanity.  When we are saddened or frustrated that NFP is necessary, what we are really experiencing is sadness and frustration over one of the effects of sin.

The other concern about NFP I have been hearing recently seems to have to do with a misunderstanding about how the use of NFP leads to stronger, healthier, happier marriages.   We live an extremely pleasure oriented society and tend to think of things that are pleasurable as good and things that are difficult or painful as bad.  As we meet and date and get to know our future spouses most of what we do is pleasurable and without a doubt much of healthy married love is wonderful and satisfying and very enjoyable.  So, again, we tend to think that even in marriage the things we enjoy together are good for the relationship and the things we don’t, aren’t.

Using NFP to avoid pregnancy requires significant sacrifice and self-discipline and these things are not, in and of themselves, pleasurable.  They are, however, absolutely necessary for a lasting, happy marriage.  The willingness to delay gratification for the good of one’s spouse or children is one of the most powerful demonstrations of love and fidelity that there is and even though it is not particularly fun, makes us better people, better spouses and more trusting of each other.  When I see that my husband is willing to deny himself something that he wants for the sake of my health (physical or emotional), the good of our children or whatever the reason for avoiding pregnancy may be I see powerful evidence of his love and commitment.  And he sees the same in my willingness to do the same.  I may say that I love my husband, but unless I am willing to actually love him, our relationship is going nowhere fast.  Christ told us that “no one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13) and the self-denial required by NFP is unquestionably an act of dying-to-self.

In addition, the sacrifice required to use NFP to avoid pregnancy is a mutual sacrifice and one that couples discuss again and again – ideally asking themselves and each other each cycle, ‘Do we still have a good reason to avoid conceiving?’  This kind of communication and shared responsibility simply doesn’t happen when a couple uses contraception and the tendency to drift apart and lose track of what the other person is thinking, feeling and hoping for is much greater without the monthly period of abstinence to remind them to reconnect and reevaluate.  Communication and connection still do not happen automatically and even couples using NFP must make the effort to sit down and talk about why they are abstaining, but abstinence itself is usually an excellent incentive to do this.  And even if a couple are not completely in agreement about whether they truly have serious reasons to avoid pregnancy, at least that is known, the issue is revisited frequently and they each have an additional opportunity to die-to-self for the sake of the other.

Are these discussions and ‘chart crunching’ sessions as much fun as participating in the marital embrace?  Nope.  Do they contribute to the overall strength and happiness of the marriage?  Absolutely!  Marital love endures (and grows) in good times and in bad.

In the gospel reading for the first Sunday of this month Christ tells us that “whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me, cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:27) and for couples with serious reasons to avoid pregnancy NFP is the cross – in its power to liberate and sanctify and save, but also in its struggle and sacrifice and it is not, at least this side of heaven, only sweetness and light.

Copyright 2010 Sara Fox Peterson

I would be willing to wager a month’s worth of bathroom cleaning that every single person reading this column has heard someone say, “I know the Church teaches that using contraception is wrong, but my conscience tells me otherwise and the Church also teaches that I must follow my conscience.”  What are we to make of this apparent contradiction?

The Catechism of the Catholic Church tells us that “conscience is a judgment of reason whereby the human person recognizes the moral quality of a concrete act he is going to perform, is in the process of performing or has already completed,” (1778) and in Veritatis Splendor Pope John Paul II says that “the judgment of conscience has an imperative character: man must act in accordance with it.”

So a person’s conscience is not her feelings about something, but rather the use of her intellect and reason to determine what is the right thing to do in a particular situation, and once a person has carefully and objectively considered the situation and determines what she believes to be right, she is morally obligated to follow that judgment even if it will be difficult, costly or unpleasant.

So far, so good. Almost everyone, Catholic or not, understand the moral obligation to do what one believes to be right (to follow one’s conscience) up to this point, but to stop here and claim that all that is required of me is to carefully consider the situation and then do whatever I believe to be best is an incomplete and badly distorted understanding of authentic Catholic teaching.  Because there is no reference to an objective standard of right and wrong – because ultimately I alone decide for myself what is right and what is not – this kind of  “freedom of conscience” is nothing more than simple moral relativism.

Catholics believe in objective truth and recognize the Catholic Church as the teacher of that truth.  So simply by acknowledging ourselves as Catholics we claim to accept the authority of the Church to inform our consciences through Her teachings.  Again, the Catechism of the Catholic Church: “The Roman Pontiff and the bishops are authentic teachers, that is, teachers endowed with the authority of Christ, who preach the faith to the people entrusted to them, the faith to be believed and put into practice.  The law of God entrusted to the Church is taught to the faithful as the way of life and truth. The faithful therefore have the right to be instructed in the divine saving precepts that purify judgment and, with grace, heal wounded human reason. They have the duty of observing the constitutions and decrees conveyed by the legitimate authority of the Church.” (2034, 2037)

So really there are two parts to the obligation to follow one’s conscience.  One must first properly form one’s conscience by accepting the official teachings of the Church in matters of faith and morals (and this unquestionably includes the area of sexual ethics and family planning) before making a “judgment of reason” about a particular act.  The teachings of the Church are to be the starting point for determining whether a given act is right or wrong and we are always morally obligated to adhere to these teachings as we work out their particular application in our lives. Or, put another way, “Personal conscience and reason should not be set in opposition to the moral law or the Magisterium of the Church.” (CCC 2039)

As an example of how this works, the Catechism tells us that, “for just reasons, spouses may wish to space the births of their children,” but we are cautioned that it is every couple’s “duty to make certain that their desire [to postpone or avoid pregnancy] is not motivated by selfishness but is in conformity with the generosity appropriate to responsible parenthood.” (2368) There is, however, no official Catholic list or formula for determining what constitutes such a just and unselfish reason.  Husbands and wives must prayerfully examine their particular situation, weigh these two requirements (generosity and responsibility) against each other and arrive at a decision about their own, unique family circumstances.  No one can do this for them and it is their moral obligation to follow the dictates of their consciences once they have arrived at a decision.

On the other hand, we are also told that “every action which, whether in anticipation of the conjugal act, or in its accomplishment, or in the development of its natural consequences, proposes, whether as an end or as a means, to render procreation impossible” -  that is, contraception is intrinsically evil (2370) and here there is no need (or room) for interpretation.  That contraception is evil and always immoral applies to every person in every situation and we are morally obligated to accept this truth as the starting point for any consideration of whether or how to space or limit the births of our children

And what of the objection that we free to disregard Church teaching on some particular matter because the Church doesn’t always teach infallibly? As any skeptic will point out, there have been many occasions on which officials of the Church – even popes – have proclaimed untruths and you have probably heard someone use this argument to justify picking and choosing which teachings to follow.  The fact is, however, that matters of faith or morals which all bishops gathered throughout the world have, at any point in history, declared to be held definitively are taught infallibly* and the intrinsic, universal evil of contraception is one of these (prior to 1930 all Christian denominations – not just the Catholic Church -  held that contraception was always gravely immoral).

Finally, it is important to understand that no one, including individual priests or bishops, can release us from the moral obligation to follow the Church’s teaching on contraception.  Freedom of conscience is, in the words of Pope John Paul II, “never freedom from the truth but always and only freedom in the truth.” (Veritatis Splendor)

* It is beyond the scope of this column to explain in detail the different ways in which the Church teaches infallibly, but for those who are interested there is an excellent article (The Magisterium and Moral Norms) on this subject it volume 7.3 of Envoy Magazine.  Visit  www.envoymagazine.com for subscription information or to order a copy of this particular volume.

To read more about the teaching authority of the Church and the formation of conscience see the Catechism of the Catholic Church sections 1776-1802 and 2030-2040, the encyclical Veritatis Splendor and the book Catholic Sexual Ethics: A Summary, Explanation, & Defense by Rev. Ronald Lawler, Joseph Boyle Jr. and William E. May.

Copyright 2009 Sara Fox Peterson

First, confess your sterilization and receive the grace of the sacrament of reconciliation.  Probably you have already done this, but if not know that it is by far the most important step you can take.  Even if you honestly did not know at the time that sterilization is wrong and so are not morally responsible for your decision, the grace obtained by receiving this sacrament is a powerful avenue of healing and peace.

Next, realize that you have not made an irrevocable decision.  Sterilizations – both male and female – can often be reversed and there are a number of doctors around the country whose personal apostolates include doing such reversals for a greatly reduced fee.  One More Soul’s website ( www.omsoul.com ) includes a directory of Catholic physicians who perform sterilization reversals as well as testimonials from couples who have sought them and an online discussion group on sterilization reversal.

Even in situations where sterilization cannot be physically reversed, either for financial or health reasons (sterilization reversals, like all surgery, entails risk and for some individuals this risk is too great for the surgery to be attempted), it is still possible to reverse the decision in your hearts and lives.  People who write and speak about chastity before marriage frequently counsel those who have not maintained their physical virginity to live a “secondary” or “spiritual” virginity by conducting themselves in exactly the same way that they would if they had remained chaste all along.  This is also excellent advice for couples who have stumbled in living chastely within marriage and submitted to a sterilization that they now recognize as wrong.

Couples who wish to live a “spiritual fertility” after sterilization start by accepting that their fertility has been drastically reduced, but it may not have been completely destroyed.  The human body’s ability to heal itself is amazing and there are a surprising number of children who have been conceived despite one of their parents having been “sterilized”.  In acknowledging that you are not definitively infertile and that a small possibility of conception does remain it becomes possible to live in accord with the Church’s teachings on family planning in exactly the same way that any other couple would.  Like any other couple, you should learn NFP and if you have serious reasons to avoid pregnancy you should abstain during the fertile phase of your cycle.  If, however, you do not have serious reasons not to become pregnant you are also free to use NFP to maximize the remaining small chance of conception.

One of the reasons NFP is so different from contraception in practice – and one of the main reasons that it builds trust and intimacy between spouses rather than damaging them the way contraception or sterilization does – is that it requires ongoing reassessment of and communication about whether serious reasons to avoid pregnancy exist.  Monthly discernment and discussion about whether or to seek to avoid or achieve pregnancy can and should be done by all couples – even who know that they are very unlikely to conceive because of natural or surgically induced infertility – and the resulting intimacy, trust and increased abandonment to God’s holy will can flourish even when conception is only a remote possibility.

It is also important to realize that genuine contrition includes an unwillingness to benefit from one’s error and voluntarily taking on the discipline and sacrifice required to avoid a pregnancy using NFP is an excellent way to demonstrate such contrition.

Finally, let others considering sterilization hear about your experience.  In this country, sterilization is the most common form of birth control among married Catholics and you are all but certain to have discussions with people considering making the same mistake you did.  Your pain and regret are powerful witnesses to the truth of Catholic teaching on this matter and yours may be the only voice speaking this truth to many with whom you talk.

Unite your suffering to Christ’s, ask the Holy Spirit to guide you and trust always in God’s infinite mercy!

copyright 2009 Sara Fox Peterson

One couple uses NFP to avoid pregnancy.

The other uses contraception.

Neither conceives.

So what’s the difference?

Why is one (the couple using NFP to avoid pregnancy) cooperating with God’s call to responsible parenthood and the other (the couple contracepting) engaged in something gravely immoral?

Consider this analogy: Suppose that I have a serious and morally good reason to lose weight, but that there is a pint of double-super-chunk-fudge-brownie ice cream – with nuts and marshmallows – in my freezer and I have already eaten a full dinner.

Now I may really want to eat that ice cream and the pleasure derived from the act of eating ice cream is a God-given good and something it is perfectly reasonable for me to desire, but the consequences of that act (namely the 40 gazillion extra calories) would not be a good thing at this particular time.

I could eat the ice cream and at the same time attempt to interrupt the natural processes that lead from chewing to swallowing to digestion to the absorption of the calories that I ought to avoid and I could theoretically interrupt this process in a number of ways. I could chew the ice cream, but spit it into the sink instead of swallowing it. I could swallow the ice cream, but only after installing a physical barrier in my throat so that it would not reach my stomach to be digested. I could have myself hormonally or surgically altered so that I was no longer able to digest ice cream at all.

Or I could refrain from eating the ice cream and avoid the consequences in that way.

The result – the end – is the same in both cases, but clearly the means are not and the morality of any act is dependent on both the end and the means.

And a difference in the means – in the way in which pregnancy is avoided – is the critical difference between contraception and NFP. Some of the above ideas for avoiding the caloric consequences of ice cream eating may be somewhat distasteful. It’s unnatural and a little weird to think about altering either the act of eating or our bodies so that the normal process of digestion is impeded. But that a married couple would ever feel that the very act intended by God to be the physical sign of their marriage vows – the way in which those vows are supposed to take flesh in their marriage – should be altered so that its consequences could be avoided, is a great deal more than unnatural or weird. It is tragic.

Christian marriage is a sacrament and the sexual act is the physical sign of that sacrament in the same way that the body and blood of Christ under the appearance of bread and wine are the physical signs of the Eucharist. Consider for a moment how shocking it would be to see someone receive the Eucharist and then “undo” the consequences of the act by spitting out the host. Contraception should shock us no less.

And what about the other side of the coin – the objection that NFP is just as immoral as contraception because it does not allow God total control over the number and spacing of a couple’s children?

This is true up to a point. We are all called to be generous in our acceptance of children and married couples should feel free to enjoy sexual relations as often as they desire while being ready to joyfully welcome any children with whom God blesses them unless there is a serious reason not to.

Here too ice cream provides a good analogy. The act of eating ice cream in and of itself is morally good. Humans are designed to enjoy sweets – even newborn babies strongly prefer sweet tasting liquids and human breast milk is remarkably sweet. But there are times when the good of eating ice cream ought to be foregone for the sake of a greater good. If I am severely obese, have high cholesterol and have been warned repeatedly that I will almost certainly have a heart attack and be unable to care for my children if I do not modify my diet, to go ahead and eat as much ice cream as I desire whenever I desire is to fail to exercise the virtues of both prudence and temperance and is therefore morally wrong.

The fact that something is objectively good does not mean it is always right for us to partake of it. The Eucharist is wholly and unquestionably good. Yet there are times – when we have not fasted or are not in a state of grace – when it would actually be seriously wrong for us to receive it.

If a couple has discerned through prayer, reflection and discussion that they have a serious reason to avoid pregnancy and that it is not God’s will for them to conceive again at that time, then they are called to cooperate with God and periodically (during the fertile phase of the wife’s cycle) sacrifice something good that they rightly desire – sexual relations – for the greater good of each other or the children they already have.

After all, isn’t the willingness to give up something good and desirable for the sake of another one of the defining characteristics of Christian love?


Copyright 2009 Sarah Fox Peterson

Drugs and procedures that, as a side effect of treating a disease, make a couple unable to conceive are morally permissible because the purpose of such drugs and procedures is to control the damage done to the body by the disease – not to suppress the normal, healthy, God-given fertility of the couple.

Humanae Vitae states it this way: “On the other hand, the Church does not consider at all illicit the use of those therapeutic means necessary to cure bodily diseases, even if a foreseeable impediment to procreation should result there from provided such impediment is not directly intended for any motive whatsoever.”

A relatively straightforward example of the use of such “therapeutic means” would be a woman with cancer of the uterus.  In such a case it is definitely morally acceptable for a surgeon to treat the cancer by removing the woman’s uterus even though she will be infertile after this operation.   The purpose of removing the woman’s uterus is to rid her body of disease and the fact that she will no longer be able to conceive is an unintended side-effect.

This is very different, however, than a woman who has a disease or medical condition that makes pregnancy itself extremely dangerous or even life threatening for her or the child who might be conceived.  All too often such women are told – by their doctors, relatives, friends and, sadly, even their priests – that because they have a “medical reason” not to become pregnant it is acceptable for them to use contraception or be surgically sterilized.

A woman whose life would be jeopardized by pregnancy certainly has very grave reasons to avoid conceiving, but, as always, both the end (in this case avoiding pregnancy) and the means by which this is done must be morally good and the Church is absolutely clear that drugs, devices and procedures whose sole purpose is to make a couple unable to conceive are never morally acceptable:

. . .the direct interruption of the generative process already begun and, above all, all direct abortion, even for therapeutic reasons, are to be absolutely excluded as lawful means of regulating the number of children . . . Similarly excluded is any action which either before, at the moment of, or after sexual intercourse, is specifically intended to prevent procreation – whether as an end or as a means. (Humanae Vitae)

“The regulation of births represents one of the aspects of responsible fatherhood and motherhood. Legitimate intentions on the part of the spouses do not justify recourse to morally unacceptable means (for example, direct sterilization or contraception).” (Catechism of the Catholic Church 2399)

“Contraception is to be judged so profoundly unlawful as to be never, for any reason, justified.  To think or to say the contrary is equal to maintaining that in human life, situations may arise in which it is lawful not to recognize God as God.” (Pope John Paul II – Osservatore Romano, October, 10, 1983)

Of course it can be hard to objectively consider the morality of what a doctor tells us is necessary to protect our own or our spouse’s health or life, particularly when the alternative requires a great deal of faith and self-sacrifice, but a simple way to determine whether a proposed treatment that impacts a woman’s fertility is morally acceptable or not is to consider whether the same treatment would be necessary for a single or celibate woman.  If the answer is no, then the proposed drug or procedure is immoral.

This is can be very difficult to accept because few of us have really been trained to actually put our lives on the line out of obedience to the God.  Remember, though, that Christ has told us in no uncertain terms that we must take up our crosses be crucified along with Him if we are to join Him in paradise and that every one of us is called to the heroic virtue of sainthood.  Refusing sterilization or contraception when a couple has a truly life-or-death reason to avoid pregnancy is unquestionably an act of heroic virtue in this day and age and so it should be no surprise that the temptation to do what the world tells us is “reasonable” can be very strong in this situation.

If we look honestly at such a couple’s situation, however, we begin to see that like every immoral act, the “reasonableness” of contraception is based on a lie.

There are only two ways for a couple to be completely certain that they will not conceive:

One is total abstinence.

The other is castration – the total removal of either the woman’s ovaries or the man’s testes.

Stated another way, contraception, even surgical sterilization, will not guarantee that a couple will not conceive.  The chance may be very, very small, but I do know real, live people who have conceived despite having been sterilized.  It does happen. Statistically, conservative use of NFP is as effective as sterilization for avoiding pregnancy, but to claim that anything short of total abstinence or castration will result in certain ‘safety’ from pregnancy is to engage in self-deception.

So the decision that couples with the gravest of reasons to avoid pregnancy need to come to is whether they truly require absolute certainty that they will not conceive – in which case total abstinence is the only real option – or whether the small degree of uncertainty that will remain, no matter what they do, if they continue to be sexually active is something that they can entrust to God.

For couples facing this situation, here are a few practical suggestions:

• Find a priest who understands these issues, is entirely loyal to the pope and the magisterium and can be of support to you. You are in great need of honest, reliable spiritual guidance and encouragement and unfortunately this is something that too many priests are unable or unwilling to provide on these particular issues. If you do not know such a priest get in touch with a local NFP teacher* and ask for a recommendation.
• If at all possible find a physician who understands and accepts the Church’s teachings regarding contraception*.  Physicians sometimes exaggerate the risks of pregnancy – for a variety of reasons – and it may be that the danger is not quite so great as you have been led to believe (or perhaps it is, but even so it is very helpful to have the support of a doctor who isn’t pushing sterilization at every opportunity). Even if it requires more travel than you would otherwise undertake this would be well worth your time and effort.
• If it has been several years since you learned NFP or if you have never had formal instruction, meet privately with a certified NFP teacher* and explain your situation.  The support and guidance of someone who is knowledgeable about the practical aspects of NFP and confident in its effectiveness can lighten your cross considerably.
• Seek the intercession of the communion of saints – particularly those who faced related situations in their own lives.  Blessed Gianna Beretta Molla (who will be canonized May 16, 2004) is a wonderful, if very challenging, role model and a powerful intercessor for modern wives and mothers facing difficult decisions about fertility and childbearing.
• Unite your suffering and uncertainty to Christ’s in the garden of Gethsemane.  Even Christ Himself begged God to take the cup of suffering away from Him.  He knows your fear and pain and He can give you the graces necessary to carry this cross and be obedient to the Father’s will.  All you have to do is ask.

*A directory of NFP teachers and “NFP-only” physicians throughout the US and Canada can be found at www.omsoul.com

copyright 2004 Sara Fox Peterson

Catholic couples who abstain as a part of using NFP to avoid pregnancy find that these times of waiting have still other benefits as well.  Regularly having to deny ourselves something that we desire helps to keep us generous in our acceptance of children and honest about the seriousness of our reasons to avoid pregnancy. If abstinence weren’t a real sacrifice there would be a great deal less incentive to reconsider the need to avoid pregnancy on an ongoing basis. One of the sad effects of contraception is that couples who use it can go years without ever discussing why they are doing so and often this leads to a great deal of misunderstanding and resentment.

The struggle to abstain when a couple believes it is necessary to avoid pregnancy can also help them to make better decisions about their life together and to keep their priorities straight and their vocation as spouses and parents first in their lives.  In my own life there has been more than one instance when frustration with the necessary abstinence has led to some big changes in the way my husband and I were doing things so that our reasons for avoiding pregnancy could be removed.

Sometimes the reasons for avoiding pregnancy absolutely cannot – or should not – be changed and in those situations I firmly believe God gives us the grace needed to abstain when necessary. At least for my husband and I, however, there have been other times when the need to avoid pregnancy was the result of a situation we had created ourselves and which God asked us to change by way of tension from abstaining that led to discussion and prayer and, ultimately, a change in our plans.

Not that any of this makes the actual abstinence any easier, but there is something that I have found very helpful and have been told by others has helped them as well – each time I realize that I am feeling frustrated by the need to abstain, I concentrate for a second or two on offering that frustration for someone whom I know to be struggling to live chastely, to accept the Church’s teachings on sex and marriage, or whose marriage is troubled.  Or sometimes I will offer it for my own children and their future spouses. This doesn’t make the frustration go away, but at least I can do something with it besides carrying it around and feeling sorry for myself.

The reality is that every marriage involves periods of abstinence – whether a couple uses NFP or not  – following the birth of a baby, when one spouse is sick or traveling alone, when children’s needs make intimacy impractical for a time.  The challenge for couples who use NFP to avoid pregnancy is to see the periods of waiting not as a burden, but as a beautiful opportunity for growth and good.

Copyright 2009 Sara Fox Peterson

“Will you have another?”
“When?”
“How many are you planning to have?”

And when I don’t answer any more precisely than “I hope so” and “I don’t know”, I am met with puzzlement.

Apparently I am supposed to have mapped this all out and informed God that He will bless my husband and I on every third year from now until 2010 and then kindly refrain from blessing us again . . . or something along those lines.

Our first child was planned in every sense of the word.  His conception was carefully scheduled not to conflict with my graduate school classes, we eagerly anticipated the time when we could “let nature take its course” and abandon the checking and cross checking for signs of fertility, and we anxiously awaited the positive pregnancy test that would confirm our success.

Our second child, on the other hand, was inspired.  He came to us, just 16 months after his older brother, because after our first was born it just didn’t seem all that important to conscientiously follow the rules for avoiding pregnancy.  Did we “plan” our second child?  Not really.  We simply responded to God’s call to be open to the possibility of another baby and allowed Him to make that possibility into reality.

And sometime in between those two pregnancies I learned that God does not ask us to plan out years in advance how many children we will have and when we will have them and, just as He often does not let us know His will for other areas of our lives in far advance, even our tentative hopes for the number and timing of our children must always subject to revision should He request it.

As one Catholic mom explains, “My first two children were conceived before I knew anything about NFP. They were totally planned. While pregnant with #2 I picked up a brochure [about NFP] at the obstetrician’s office and asked my husband if he would learn it with me so that I didn’t have to go back on the pill. He agreed and when we began using NFP it was totally as “natural” birth control. But give God an opening, and He’ll work wonders! My last 3 children are here because I felt an undeniable call from God. With #3 we had decided to abstain that month and found ourselves unable. We trusted God was telling us to be open to another child. With #4 and #5 I had such strong feelings that someone was missing from our family. Both times when I mentioned it to my husband he said that he too was feeling prompted to be open to new life.  Right now both of us are content with the number of children we have, and we trust that when and if God has other plans He will let us know. He’s done it before!”

One of the ways in which couples who use NFP to avoid pregnancy remain open to life is in continuing to revisit the question of whether or not God is calling them to have another child.  The time of abstinence each cycle provides both a reminder and an incentive to turn to each other and to God and ask again whether there are still serious reasons not to conceive.  Couples who use contraception have no such incentive and can go for many years without ever discussing — or even considering – either their own feelings or God’s will in the matter.

Even couples with very grave reasons to avoid pregnancy “reasons that are unlikely ever to change” remain open to life in a very important way when they reject the pressure to contracept and instead embrace Church teaching by using NFP to avoid pregnancy.  I once talked with a woman with a very serious medical condition that would make pregnancy a truly life-threatening situation.  She told me that she and her husband and decided to use NFP rather than be sterilized “despite her doctor’s disapproval” because they didn’t want to limit God.  Medical science could, she pointed out, discover a cure for her condition or God Himself could intervene and miraculously cure her.  She didn’t really expect that either of these things would happen, she said, but she didn’t want to deny that, with God, they remained possible and she firmly believed that to use contraception would be evidence of just such a denial.

May we all be so open to God’s authority over our lives!

Copyright 2003 Sara Fox Peterson

Can NFP be used selfishly?  Absolutely.

Is it often used this way?  I don’t think so.

NFP is inherently sacrificial.  When used to avoid pregnancy it includes regular, brief -  but nonetheless sometimes difficult – periods of self-denial, requires on-going conviction of the need to limit the size of one’s family and provides regular opportunities for reassessing the seriousness of that need.

The periodic abstinence required of those who use NFP to avoid pregnancy is really a kind of fasting.  A husband and wife who have agreed that God is not calling them to conceive another child at the present time must fast from each other for a week or two each cycle and just as fasting from food is often encouraged as an aid to discernment in other areas of our lives, the fasting from marital relations prescribed by NFP serves to both clarify and purify a couple’s reasons for wishing to avoid conception.  Having to repeatedly forego something good and proper that one desires is a very good way to cut through any self-deception that one may have engaged in when listening for God’s call.  Sacrifice and selfishness usually just don’t coexist well for any significant length of time.

To obey the constant teaching of the Catholic Church and forego artificial birth control at all is also an act of some courage in this day and age and all but guarantees that one will be criticized, mocked and discouraged – if not by family and friends, then by medical professionals, the media and even complete strangers.  We can be certain that this kind of courageous obedience is very pleasing to God and that He rewards with His grace even our most feeble attempts to do His will.  Many young couples who marry with the intention of using NFP to have only a few children find that time and again, as God continues to reward their obedience by pouring out His grace for them, there is room in their hearts and lives for “just one more”.

Most of the couples I teach are either engaged or fairly newly married and while I have never taught a couple who experienced a true surprise pregnancy (one which occurred despite their correctly following the rules for avoiding pregnancy), I have taught several couples who began learning NFP with the intention of avoiding pregnancy for some time (until their debts were paid, until they bought a house, while they “got to know each other”, until their older child or children were less demanding . . . all the reasons society tells us not to have children too soon after marrying or too close in age), but were pregnant by the end of their instruction simply because when it came down to a choice between forgoing marital intimacy for a short time or accepting a child sooner than they had planned, their reasons for avoiding pregnancy just didn’t seem so important after all.  And every single one of these couples was thrilled to discover that they were “ready” for a new baby sooner than they thought they would be.

Again, in the words of Pope Paul VI, “Self-discipline of this kind [periodic abstinence] is a shining witness to the chastity of husband and wife and, far from being a hindrance to their love of one another, transforms it by giving it a more truly human character. And if this self-discipline does demand that they persevere in their purpose and efforts, it has at the same time the salutary effect of enabling husband and wife to develop to their personalities and to be enriched with spiritual blessings. For it brings to family life abundant fruits of tranquility and peace. It helps in solving difficulties of other kinds. It fosters in husband and wife thoughtfulness and loving consideration for one another. It helps them to repel inordinate self-love, which is the opposite of charity. It arouses in them a consciousness of their responsibilities. And finally, it confers upon parents a deeper and more effective influence in the education of their children.” (Humanae Vitae paragraph 21)

None of this is to say that every couple must, or even should, use NFP to limit the size of their family or space the births of their children.  Pope Paul VI also tells us that, “those are considered to exercise responsible parenthood who prudently and generously decide to have a large family.” (HV paragraph 10)   It is a wonderful thing for a couple to find again and again that they have no serious reason to avoid pregnancy and couples who are able to very generous in their acceptance of children should be encouraged and supported.  It is important, though, that all of us recognize that the number and spacing of a couple’s children is a matter between a husband, a wife and God only and that God sometimes asks us to follow Him in ways that others around, even those who share our faith, us do not understand or appreciate.  God’s own son was, after all, an only-child and conceived before his earthly parents were married.  We are all called to grow in generosity and holiness.  For some this means opening their lives to the possibility of another child even if they are afraid of the struggle it may entail, but for others it means peacefully accepting that it is necessary to regularly abstain from the marital embrace so that pregnancy may be avoided – for a time or even for the remainder of a couple’s fertile years – for the good of one’s children or spouse.  Neither path is objectively better than the other as either may be God’s will depending on our own specific circumstances, so let us pray that He will grant each of us the wisdom to know His will, the courage to do it and the humility to recognize that each of us receives a different call.

Copyright 2009 Sara Fox Peterson

At first he said that it was because when a couple uses NFP they aren’t actually doing anything to avoid pregnancy.

Then, a moment later, he said, “No, that’s not right.  It’s because with NFP we have to do everything.”

“Huh?” I said.  But then I understood.

We are constantly told – by the media, by most of the medical profession, by the echo of our high school “health” teachers – that in order for sex to be “safe” we have to use some thing.  We can take a pill, erect a barrier, put ourselves under the surgeon’s knife, but somehow we must “protect” ourselves.

Statistically, NFP is as effective as hormonal contraceptives like the pill and couples with truly serious reasons to avoid pregnancy almost never become pregnant while using NFP.  There is, however, a tremendous difference in the level of responsibility NFP users must assume.

There is a great temptation for couples who use contraception to tell themselves that conception cannot happen — that because they are being “responsible” and making use of a drug, device or surgical procedure, they absolutely cannot become pregnant.

This is, of course, a lie.

It is simply not possible for a man and woman who both have all of their reproductive organs to have sex without there being some chance, even if it is very small, that a child will be conceived.

One sometimes sees this temptation played out when a couple who has used NFP in the past comes to a point in their marriage where they unexpectedly have very serious reasons to avoid another pregnancy.  Rather than trust their knowledge of and experience with NFP, in their fear (and often at the urging of friends and medical professionals) these couples will sometimes abandon NFP and begin using a method of contraception with which it is actually far more likely that they will conceive unintentionally.

A couple who use NFP cannot cling to the (mistaken) belief that a drug or device will “protect” them from pregnancy.  The responsibility for avoiding conception is squarely on their shoulders . . . and in God’s hands.

When a couple who uses NFP does experience an unplanned pregnancy, then, it is due to one of two things; either the couple themselves did not follow the rules for avoiding pregnancy or God “our Lord and creator” intervened.

Those who have obviously very grave reasons to avoid conception are extremely conscientious about learning and practicing NFP properly and true surprise pregnancies (those that occur despite a couple correctly understanding and faithfully following the rules for avoiding pregnancy) are so exceptionally rare that when they do occur they can honestly be considered little miracles.  With NFP, however, there is no third party – no device manufacturer, no pharmaceutical company, no surgeon – to take the blame.  There are only ourselves and our God and that is exactly as it should be.

The challenge for all of us, and particularly for those who are struggling to trust NFP, is to recognize the truth that God who is Lord of heaven and earth is also the Lord of our families and of our fertility and that His admonition to “fear not” applies here too.

Copyright 2003 Sara Fox Peterson

Most modern methods of NFP rely, to a greater or lesser extent, on an understanding of the patterns of cervical mucus that  every fertile woman experiences. This is simple enough in theory, but in practice the fact that each woman is a unique  individual means that her patterns of fertility will be unique as well. With competent instruction virtually every woman can  become familiar with her own, particular patterns, but what is infertile for me may be potentially very fertile for my  neighbor, my best friend or even my sister. This makes it difficult to write books or websites that allow a woman who has  anything other than perfectly regular, typical cycles to teach herself. There are just too many variations of “normal” and too many ways to misunderstand or misinterpret for me to recommend self-teaching to be a good way to learn NFP (and this is  even more true for breastfeeding moms who can go through a number of different infertile patterns – patterns that are  different than at any other time in her life – before fertility finally returns). Fortunately, even women who do not have the  blessing of a local NFP teacher (or babysitting) are able to learn NFP with the help of teachers who have seen many, many  charts and so know from experience how to pick out those all important patterns through WOOMB International’s internet teaching service or with the CCL’s home study kit (which include sending early charts to  certified teachers for review)*.

2. NFP cannot “pinpoint” ovulation.

NFP allows couples to tell the difference between days that are definitely infertile and days that are potentially fertile.  Usually it is also possible, in retrospect, to narrow the time during which ovulation could have occurred to about three days. But, without daily ultrasounds of the ovaries, it simply is not possible to identify the exact day on which ovulation occurs.** It is also quite common (again, particularly for breastfeeding moms) to have occassions where it isn’t clear  whether or not ovulation occurred at all. And all of this uncertainty is absolutely fine. The purpose of NFP is to allow couples who need to avoid pregnancy to identify days on which they can be confident that intercourse will not result in  conception and to allow couples who would like to achieve pregnancy to identify the days on which they are most likely to  succeed and it is not necessary to know the exact day of ovulation for either of these purposes.

3. There is no one for whom NFP is physiologically impossible.

Because I write about NFP online and make my email address available at the bottom of my columns I not infrequently receive emails that go something like this, “I understand what the Church teaches and would really like to use NFP, but I absolutely  must avoid pregnancy and even my NFP teacher says my charts don’t make any sense.” My response is always to ask the person to  send me a few months worth of charts so that I can take a look and see if I agree that NFP really is impossible for this particular couple. As a result I have seen charts from women with all sorts of complicating factors – psychiatric medication, medication for breast cancer, seizure medication, medication for thyroid disorders, chronic yeast infections, physical  abnormalities of the uterus and cervix and lots and lots from women who simply have very long or very irregular cycles for no  apparent reason – but I have never seeen a chart which made it truly impossible to use NFP.

Occasionally it is possible to identify only a week or so of clearly infertile days each cycle. Once in a while there may be a month or six weeks during which it is not possible to determine whether the woman is fertile or infertile (once again, this is very often the case just before the return of regular cycles during breastfeeding). Sometimes it is not clear whether the woman is ovulating regularly or even if she is ovulating at all. But I have never seen a chart where, after a few months of charting,  there were not at least some days each cycle on which the couple could be confident that they would not conceive.

Couples who believe (or have been told) that NFP won’t work for them need to look hard for a better teacher. Call the head  office for the method of NFP you were taught and tell the person who answers the phone that your NFP teacher told you that  NFP was impossible for you and you would like someone else to take a look at your charts and give you a second opinion.

4. Even perfectly regular cycles, aren’t.

Most women find that the length of their cycles varies by 3 or 4 or 5 days from month to month, but even women whose cycles are always exactly the same number of days will find that the timing of events within the cycles varies by a few days. The human body is not a machine and one of the most common errors in the use of NFP is making assumptions like, ‘It’s so early in  the cycle I can’t possibly be fertile yet’ or ‘It’s so late in the cycle I must have already ovulated’. Each new cycle has the potential to be considerably longer or shorter than any that came before it and predictions about when fertility will occur simply cannot  be relied upon.

5. It’s OK not to like it.

NFP can be a tremendous blessing for a couple who must avoid pregnancy, but it is also a privation and most couples who seriously use NFP to avoid pregnancy for any length of time will feel this. God does faithfully supply the graces necessary to cooperate with Him and NFP is not impossibly burdensome when it is truly necessary, but it usually isn’t fun or effortless either. NFP is not an easy way out of the struggles and sacrifices of  bearing and raising children because it may entail significant struggles and sacrifices of it’s own. So it is OK not to be happy about using NFP. It is OK to be angry or sad that it is necessary. And many of us must grow considerably before we can regret only that it is necessary to avoid pregnancy and not to hang on to feelings that if we could only legitimately use contraception life would be better. But even when we use NFP only out of obedience (even grudging obedience) God is so very generous with His grace and blessings and grow and flourish we will.

* See www.woomb.org and www.ccli.org for more information

** Even fertility monitors and ovulation predictor kits identify only a time period during which ovulation will probably occur – not the day on which it definitely occurs.

Copyright 2009 Sara Fox Peterson

Why not?

Certainly there are many reasons, but perhaps the most common is a simple lack of understanding about what the Church actually teaches.

The Church does NOT teach that married couples must do nothing to plan or space the births of their children, nor is Natural Family Planning a way to “trick” couples into having children they are unable to properly care for.

Humanae Vitae (Pope Paul VI’s 1968 encyclical on the regulation of births) says it quite clearly; “if we then attend to the relevant physical, economic, psychological and social conditions, those are considered to exercise responsible parenthood who prudently and generously decide to have a large family, or who, for serious reasons and with due respect to the moral law, choose to have no more children for the time being or even for an indeterminate period.”  So, in fact, it is the formal teaching of the Church that while all couples should be generous in their acceptance of children, the great responsibility of raising those children often necessitates having fewer children than biologically possible.  Understanding this and appreciating the beautiful way in which God has designed a woman’s fertility, the Catholic church holds up Natural Family Planning as the way for couples to effectively plan their families as well as to “recognize the spiritual and corporal character of conjugal communion, and to live personal love with its requirement of fidelity.”  (Pope John Paul II’s 1981 encyclical Familiaris Consortio: On the Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World) Properly learned and consistently practiced, modern methods of Natural Family Planning are as effective as contraceptives for avoiding pregnancy and can be used by almost all couples regardless of cycle irregularity, breastfeeding, peri-menopause or a host of medical conditions that impact fertility.

The Church does NOT teach that all means of family planning are equal or that it how they will plan their family is a matter for the couple to decide for themselves.

The issue of freedom of conscience should be an article in and of itself, but for now let us just note that the Catholic Church has never, EVER, in more than 2000 years, taught that any form of family planning other than NFP is morally acceptable.  In fact, until 1930 ALL Christian churches taught that the use of contraceptives  – even for married couples with the gravest of reasons to avoid pregnancy – was seriously immoral.

Following the development of modern pharmaceutical contraceptives (like the birth control pill) and the acceptance in 1930 by the Anglican church of contraceptive use by married couples, there was — and continues to be — much dissent from this teaching, but the truth remains that the Catholic Church has always, and continues to today, to teach with her highest authority that “every action which, whether in anticipation of the conjugal act, or in its accomplishment, or in the development of its natural consequences, proposes, whether as an end or as a means, to render procreation impossible is intrinsically evil.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church paragraph 2370)

Perhaps some couples cannot see how there is any difference between NFP and contraception – after all, both are means to the same end – but to paraphrase Dr. Janet Smith in her wonderful talk, “Contraception; Why Not?” (available from One More Soul at www.omsoul.com); if there isn’t any difference, why not just use NFP?

As Catholics we believe that our Popes and the Magisterium of the Catholic Church are ever guided by the Holy Spirit and that their teachings in matters of faith and morals are always trustworthy.  Consider the following passage from Humanae Vitae (written in 1968):

“Responsible men can become more deeply convinced of the truth of doctrine laid down by the Church on this issue if they reflect on the consequences of [contraception].  Let them first consider how easily this course of action can lead the way to being wide open to marital infidelity and a general lowering of moral standards . . . Another effect that gives cause for alarm is that a man who grows accustomed to the use of contraceptive methods may forget the reverence due to a woman, and, disregarding her physical and emotional equilibrium, reduce her to being a mere instrument for the satisfaction of his own desires, no longer considering her his partner whom he should surround with care and affection.”

“Finally, grave consideration should be given to the danger of this power passing into the hands of those public authorities who care little for the precepts of moral law.  Who will blame a government which in its attempt to resolve the problems affecting an entire country resorts to the same measures as are regarded lawful by married people in the solution of a particular family difficulty?”

We have only to look at the soaring divorce rate, the frightening statistics on spousal abuse and marital infidelity and the dreadful things done in the name population control in communist nations to see how inspired Pope Paul VI truly was.

We may not always be able to see or understand the reasons behind why the Church teaches as she does, but faith (and experience) show us that even when cannot see the big picture, God can and the official teachings of His Church are to be believed.

So why not make the leap of faith and become a part of the 10% who do embrace this teaching?

God is exceptionally generous to those who faithfully follow His will as revealed through the teachings of His Catholic Church and there are many practical benefits for those who choose NFP (including improved communication between spouses, an impressively low divorce rate of less than 5%, freedom from the cost, bother and side effects associated with contraception), but more importantly there are the freedom and joy that come with holding back nothing from God.

What is NFP?

Every fertile woman experiences recurring signs of her fertility. Natural Family Planning (NFP) teaches a woman to recognize and record these signs so that she can identify the days in each cycle when conception is possible and spouses can plan the timing of their marital relations according to their desire either to avoid or achieve pregnancy.

Well, yes, it does.

In hundreds and hundreds of real-life trials, involving literally millions of cycles, modern methods of NFP have been found again and again to be extremely effective for avoiding pregnancy when they are thoroughly learned and consistently used.

This bears repeating: Modern methods of NFP are extremely effective for avoiding pregnancy when they are thoroughly learned and consistently used.

Learning NFP means receiving formal instruction, either in person from a certified teacher or through a home-study course that includes having charts reviewed by an instructor or through an internet teaching service, in a particular method of NFP.

Using NFP means keeping an accurate, written chart, every day, and consistently following all of the guidelines, for one particular method, exactly as they are written.

There is nothing immoral about not keeping a written chart or combining aspects of multiple methods of NFP or following the guidelines for avoiding pregnancy only partially, but there is also no way of knowing whether this will allow the couple to reliably avoid pregnancy and when we talk about the studied effectiveness of NFP we are talking only about the effectiveness for couples who have learned and are using a specific, recognized method.

Consider the following quote from a study investigating the effectiveness of the Creighton Model of NFP:

“[T]he following net pregnancy probabilities were found per 100 couples: method-related pregnancies, 0.14; pregnancies caused by user and/or teacher error, 2.72; pregnancies caused by achieving-related behavior (genital contact during a time known to be fertile), 12.84″2

In less technical language, this study found that among couples who learn the Creighton Model from certified instructors for the purpose of avoiding pregnancy:

• Fewer than 2 in 1000 will conceive despite correctly follow the guidelines for avoiding pregnancy.
• Fewer than 3 in 100 will make a mistake in charting or interpreting that will result in pregnancy.
• More than 1 in 10 will conceive as a result of consciously deciding not to follow the guidelines for avoiding pregnancy.

From a secular perspective the fact that approximately 15% of couples who start out intending to use NFP to avoid pregnancy nonetheless become pregnant is a problem and that the overwhelming majority of these couples conceive as a result of consciously deciding not to follow the guidelines to do what they set out to do (avoid conceiving) is not significant. The eyes of faith, however, see something quite different.

The practical and logistical aspects of NFP are not terribly burdensome. Learning is not expensive (some teachers charge nothing at all, most charge less than $200 for complete instruction and virtually all will be perfectly happy to waive fees in cases of financial hardship), takes no more than a handful of hours spread over a couple of months and can be accomplished without ever leaving your house.3 Charting requires less than a minute a day and is simple enough to have been mastered by women all over the world, including many who are illiterate. And when a couple finds themselves confused or unsure about how to interpret the woman’s chart, assistance from a trained teacher is only a phone call or email away.4

Nonetheless using NFP to avoid pregnancy is a commitment. Even aside from the fact that abstaining during times of possible fertility can be a struggle, it requires daily attention to observe, chart and interpret the signs of fertility. The use of NFP to avoid pregnancy is, in fact, a kind of regular fasting – an intentional giving up of something both very desirable and wholly good – and fasting clarifies.

The use of contraception has been compared to stuffing ear plugs into the ears of the soul. The world screams that we must Control Our Fertility and Plan Our Families. God, the still, small voice, whispers, “Be open now. Right now I long to bless you with a child – a child who will play an unrepeatable part in my eternal plan. Trust me.”

The commitment and self-sacrifice required to avoid pregnancy using NFP open the ears of the soul to God’s voice and test the strength of the couple’s conviction that now is not the time for another child. So it should not be surprising at all that some couples who begin using NFP with the intention of avoiding pregnancy find, after a time, that perhaps it is not so important after all. When both husband and wife remain certain that it is very important that they do not conceive, couples usually do not find NFP overwhelmingly difficult and when a couple does find that NFP is becoming increasingly burdensome (despite seeking help from a certified teacher if the charts are confusing) it may well be because it is time to reconsider whether there are really still serious reasons to avoid pregnancy. Sometimes continuing to use NFP to avoid pregnancy is a burden simply because the need for it has passed.

1. Sometimes the claim is made that the primary purpose of NFP is to discern whether or not it is God’s will for the couple to have another child and therefore it always works since whatever happens can be understood as being God’s will. There is truth to this, but I also think it is a somewhat evasive answer to a serious question: Can couples who are already certain that they must avoid pregnancy trust NFP to allow them to do so?

2.”Pregnancy probabilities during use of the Creighton model of FertilityCareTM System” Howard, M.P.; Stanford, Joseph B. Archives of Family Medicine Vol.8, Number 5. Month/Quarter: September/, 1999. Page(s)391-402

This particular study is just one of many which have found approximately the same results for a number of different modern methods of NFP. For other studies on the effectiveness of the Database of NFP Research available at One More Soul (www.omsoul.com) is an unbeatable resource.

3. The Billings Method of NFP can be learned entirely from home via the Internet Teaching Service available at www.woomb.org and the Symto-Thermal Method can be learned through the Couple to Couple League’s Home Study Course available at www.ccli.org.

4. Both of the above sites, as well as www.fertilitycare.org (Creighton Model) and www.omsoul.com (all methods), include directories of NFP teachers who are available to answer questions, review confusing charts and provide refresher courses. Be aware, though, that because all of these organizations work on very tight budgets and almost all NFP teachers are volunteers, some of the directory entries may be out-of-date and you may need to call or email a couple of different teachers before actually making contact.

For additional “cyber-support” you are also most welcome to join in the discussions in the Catholic Mom Community’s NFP Forum

Looking for more information on Natural Family Planning?  Visit our Natural Family Planning Resource Center.