Is “pure fashion” an oxymoron?

Modesty is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, an outward sign of God working within us.  As with other fruits like patience and charity, modesty is manifested in what we do — in our works, the actions we seek to perform that help us recognize the presence of God.  It’s not always easy.

Anyone who strives for modesty and also has a daughter over size 6X will lament with me the lack of appropriate clothing choices at most mainstream shopping venues.  You see, I adhere to the sensible modesty guidelines set forth by Pure Fashion.  Most retailers do not.

I discovered Pure Fashion when my oldest daughter was five.  As we began to venture into the size 7 – 16 clothing section, I was relieved to have found practical guidelines that other Catholic moms use with their daughters.  Pure Fashion’s emphasis on modest clothing is a huge step in the right direction for our culture, and accolades for developing a system for clothing selection are well deserved.

But as I gained more exposure to the organization, I realized that the “fashion” aspect showcased at its events showed an incomplete understanding of the multi-faceted virtue of modesty.  A girl on a catwalk, no matter how pristinely clad, is still a girl on a catwalk—expecting eyes centered on her, seeking the attention of the crowd, and imitating an industry that emphasizes appearance as the sole measure of a thereby disordered femininity.

While Pure Fashion aims to teach girls to be poised, graceful, and confident, they do so through modeling.  Poise and grace do not celebrate self.  They are humble.  And as Catholic women, we should beware the phrase “self confidence.”  Our confidence, the “bold confidence” of the Little Way of St. Therese, should remain solely in Him.

There is much to like about the Pure Fashion philosophy and its desire to teach girls to value modesty in dress.  Adult leaders explain modesty as it reflects on the dignity of the human person using the CCC as a resource.  But the program’s final celebration, the fashion show, reflects an emphasis on a narrow definition of modesty.  Modesty as a virtue is much larger than clothing selection.

Fashion, by its very nature, is of this world.  Without extensively defining the virtue of purity here, to me the phrase “pure fashion” seems an oxymoron.

Copyright 2013 Sharon Rayner

Financial Fitness Tips for the Mom Entrepreneur

One of the greatest gifts of being an entrepreneur is the opportunity to flex your financial muscles. It’s also one of the greatest challenges for me personally. In fact, many entrepreneurs make the decision to start their own business because they have a certain skill or talent – or an idea for a product. They don’t know anything about the financial aspects of business – like payroll, budgeting, P&L statements, profitability, cash flow, taxes, etc. So what happens? We learn as we go! We rely on the experts. And we develop those financial muscles.

Many of the moms I work with are creative types – writers, photographers, caterers, artists, graphic designers, fitness trainers, dieticians, chiropractors, counselors… and the financial aspects of business don’t come naturally. Very few of them are “in the business of money.” Yet, all of them are in business for themselves. And if you’re a mom entrepreneur…if you own a business of any kind…no matter what your company is…no matter what service you provide or product you sell, as a business owner, it’s YOUR JOB to know about the money. And if there’s something you don’t know, your job is to find someone you trust who does know. It’s a challenge for some of us to accept this responsibility, but we can’t have a thriving business unless we do.

Here are five financial fitness tips to help you develop those financial muscles and stay in good financial shape.

Financial Fitness Tips for the Mom Entrepreneur

1. Open a separate checking account for your business. This is the single most important step you can take to turn your hobby into a business. For some reason, this simple task is a huge ordeal for many moms when they are just getting started in business. They put it off until they are making money. Or they convince themselves that it’s going to take a long time and require a ton of paperwork, so it’s not worth the effort. The truth is it takes about 30 minutes to go to the bank and open a business checking account and in most cases all you need is your tax ID number, some identification and an initial deposit. Having that separate account not only makes things cleaner for you at tax time, but it also helps you to take your business seriously.

2. Pay yourself a salary – even if it’s a small amount. Here’s another step that many entrepreneurs tend to skip in start up phase. They pay their vendors, employees and bills and then pray there is enough left over to take a distribution for themselves. I understand that when there is little or no profit and you’re bootstrapping the business you may not feel right about taking a salary. But, hear me on this – you WILL burn out if you don’t have a reasonable steady salary coming in! And you can choose to invest it all back in the company if you want to – but it should still be coming to you on paper. And I know it’s a stretch to think about this now, but if you ever plan to sell the company – or seek investors – you’re going to need an accurate operating budget, which would include your salary.

3. Hire a bookkeeper and CPA. For most entrepreneurs, this is one of the first responsibilities we need to outsource. That’s because we are not experts in finances, taxes and bookkeeping. Yet many of us insist on trying to do it ourselves. I did this for several years before I realized that it caused a strain in my marriage. One day I was working on the books with my husband and we could hear the kids playing in another room with a babysitter we had hired so we could prepare our tax return. We sat in the office for about three hours, getting frustrated and irritated with each other while the kids laughed and played. I decided that we would never again miss out on a day of fun with our children so we could do something we weren’t very good at doing and didn’t enjoy doing at all. I immediately hired a bookkeeper and a CPA and have never regretted it. Remember, when we let go of something we are not called to do in our business, we have an opportunity to bless another business owner who is called to serve others in that capacity. And – we free up our own time to focus on what we are called to do in business and at home!

4. Watch your numbers to determine ROI and manage cash flow. If you are the type of mompreneur who gets wrapped up in the creative side of business and ignores the finances, this is going to be a challenge. But just like a new exercise routine, you start small and make a commitment to be consistent. The idea is to schedule a specific time every day, week or month (depending on your business) to review your financial statements. This is easier to do when you have a bookkeeper setting up your books with you. And it doesn’t have to be a complicated process – you can create a simple spreadsheet or dashboard that allows you to track the numbers you want to monitor, such as sales, expenses, returns, accounts receivable, etc. This dashboard will be different for every business, but keep it simple and focus only on the numbers that will help you make better decisions in your business.

5. Set boundaries around your time and money. This is one that’s difficult for women because we’re people pleasers and we don’t like to say no. But if we want to run a profitable business, we have to set boundaries around our time and our money. When you set boundaries around your time and our money, you are able to:

• Charge what you are worth for your services
• Outsource or delegate tasks
• Stop saying yes to volunteer projects that steal your joy and leave you filled with resentment
• Identify the charitable contributions and in-kind donations (pro-bono work) you can commit to for the year and say no to others
• Stop attending networking meetings that aren’t bringing you an ROI
• Collect on unpaid invoices
• Require payment in advance for your services
• Attract clients and customers who value your time and will pay what you are worth

What am I missing? Share your financial fitness tips with us here!

Copyright 2013 Theresa Ceniccola

She sees what she wants to get done
and loves with her accomplishments.
A gift to her child,
a blessing for her husband.
Too busy to see how much
has already been done,
too concerned with tomorrow
to enjoy today.

Forcing herself to compete
and check off tasks
on an arbitrary list.
Gaining nothing of value,
yet missing the essence
of a child’s love.

A hug,
a kiss,
three small words
getting lost in the hustle.
A smile,
a laugh,
a story
too short to miss.

A mother’s love is strong,
yet weak in the busyness of life.
Letting priorities get shifted
and looking ahead
instead of down at her child.

Too fast,
too soon,
it will be tomorrow.
Regrets will then set in,
and she will mourn the days she wasted.
Her child will be grown
and she will be old,
but her love will still be inside
waiting to flourish through her eyes.

Copyright 2013 Tanya Weitzel

Spring Cleaning

It began innocently enough – two moms sharing the woes of spice cupboards-you know, the ones whose little glass bottles immediately spill over when one is looking for that last illusive ingredient for supper at six and it is now five forty(okay so this is my issue, my friend’s cupboard is infinitely more precise and user friendly). Anyhow, next thing I know Leslie bursts forth with many practical, smart and easy ideas for changes that would certainly bring new life and joy to my tiny, yet lovable and lived-in kitchen.

She graciously gives me a full afternoon of precious mom time to aid me in a thorough clean out and re-organization! Lots of items to recycle… I now have a pantry and everything seems close at hand and convenient.

Providentially, I also had a visit with another smart and savvy mom I know who introduced me to “Joy of Less” by Francine Jay. Lena’s home (mom of four youngsters under the age of 6)is remarkably neat, clean and free of clutter so, of course, I sought her “secret”. Over the last few years, Lena has made lots of decisions about “material stuff” motivated and inspired by Francine’s tips about considering the usefulness and lovability of all material goods. Does this particular item really deserve a place in our home? Is this something I use on a regular basis? Clear surfaces, a place for everything and everything in its place are mantras we have all come across but at the right time for our families, they may resound more loudly.

Managing a household of six children (an eclectic mix of ages, stages, passions and temperaments) and celebrating 25 years of marriage and mourning our baby Francis and sifting through all that I was “saving” for him-now seems to be the right  time for this Mom.

Another friend, Holly, shared with me her wardrobe transformation… project 333, that is: 33 items (clothes, shoes, outerwear, jewelry) for 3 months. Box the rest up until a re-assessment in a few months. Yes, ladies-I have a neat closet with more open space. Everything coordinates and makes picking an outfit easy and fun. I am also making more use of these items in new creative ways and it’s fun!

It is remarkably satisfying moving about in a home that is more efficient and user-friendly. As a homeschooling family we make a lot of use of all of our spaces. Conscious decision-making about what is and what is not important in our day-to-day walk is a skill I want to pass along to my children.

How I use this renewed sense of space and time will undoubtedly be a challenge. May God guide me to a spiritual spring cleaning that will help me prepare for my real home in eternity.

Blessings to you and yours for a warm and happy springtime!

Copyright 2013 Cathy Craig

I am well familiar with some seasons being easier than others, but children learn best how to behave in church by being there, in the sanctuary, EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK.   And better yet, try to attend daily Mass on a regular basis, too.  There was a time where my husband was able to attend daily Mass most days of the week and that was when my oldest learned how to behave in church.   Since then, our daily Mass attendance has been sporadic at best, but it is excellent for the children since they can usually see more of what’s going on.  In addition to that, there is just something about the extra graces provided by attending an extra Mass with the kids by yourself.  I’m filled with joy every time we go; even if it’s a struggle the whole time .

Consistency is also a key.   We used to let our oldest crawl and walk all around the pew.   That totally did not work.   She is 5 and still has trouble facing forward and not being a little monkey!    With our next, we got a little wiser and I decided that she was going to be a lap-baby until she was at least 2 years old.   If we are in church, she is on somebody’s lap.  Period.  If she struggled, we squeezed her thigh and told her, “no, we sit quietly in church.”  If she resisted again, we told her “no” and squeezed her again.   The next time, we took her out, disciplined her and then went right back in.   There were a few times we went out more than once (or twice or three times), but under no circumstances did we let her run around in the vestibule, go to the cry room, or take her for a walk.  It didn’t take long before she sat as quietly as you can expect from a small child.   On the plus side, it also meant that we never had to take out a screaming child who had fallen and gotten hurt again J.

Lastly, if you have a domestic church, it makes it much easier to teach respect for God and prayer time in ALL settings, not just during Mass.  Our children are required to be respectful and participate as much as they are able while we are saying grace, doing a family rosary, and even reading the Bible.  We also teach respect for Holy items in church such as Bible’s never being thrown or put on the floor or not wearing Rosaries as jewelry.   When they are instructed from birth about these objects and behaviors it almost becomes a part of who they are and how they behave and it makes attending Mass an extension of the Church.

As a practical manner, here is how we cope with and address issues with children during Mass

Birth

• They attend Mass and are usually held or put in a sling.   If they are asleep in a carrier, we have done that on occasion, as well.
• A soft (quiet) toy to grasp is also helpful.

Age 1

• Still on the lap!
• Remember a pre-church snack!    I try to feed them before we leave, although we now have crackers in the van for the ride over (and back) since we attend the late Mass each week now.  This is especially important when the child is not nursing as much or when you’ve decided they are old enough that they no longer need to be nursed during Mass (about 15-18 months in our home).
• A religious beanie baby or stuffed toy.   We used to bring a book or other quiet toy, but it became annoying when they dropped it at the quietest point of the Mass J.

Age 2

• Off the lap as they are able to sit quietly.  So far, mine still prefer to be on a lap most of the time.
• A small notebook & pencil, a ring of holy cards, or small beanie baby or other stuffed toy.

Age 3

• Off the lap.   Facing front.
• A small notebook & pencil, a ring of holy cards, or small beanie baby or other stuffed toy.

Age 4.

• Off the lap.   Following the motions as desired or sitting in the pew.
• Participate in giving Peace and saying the Our Father.
• A small notebook & pencil or a ring of holy cards.

Age 5

• Following the motions of Mass – standing, sitting, kneeling.
• Participating in the Peace and Our Father.

We have also made some listening pages for our 4-5 year olds to use during Mass that helps them follow along, yet have something to keep their hands busy.   There is a different one for each liturgical season and I have made them for both the Novus Ordo and the Traditional Latin Masses since we attend each depending on our mood and schedule.   You can find them on my blog today — Catholic Mass Listening Pages — Novus Ordo and Traditional Latin Mass.

How do you keep your little ones in the sanctuary during Mass?

Copyright 2013 Jen Steed

Is it a sin of envy to read a book, weep tears of love, and at the same time fall prey to green-eyed envy that you weren’t the one who penned the words between the covers? Yes, it likely is.

And yet I have to confess that this is what I felt much of the time while reading Bakhita: From Slave to Saint by Roberto Italo Zanini. As a devotee of St. Bakhita, I fell in love all over again with her as I devoured Zanini’s book. The English version of a memoir originally penned in Italian, Bakhita brings to life this amazing woman’s story of grace, forgiveness and absolute love. I truly believe that this book could be for St. Bakhita what Story of a Soul was for St. Therese of Lisieux — the vehicle by which so many could come to know and seek an intercessory relationship with a spiritual role model. Please check out the publisher’s information on this book below and consider it as a great option for inspirational summer reading.

From Ignatius Press:

SAN FRANCISCO, May 14, 2013 – The life story of an exceptional saint, Josephine Bakhita, is sure to be an inspiration to anyone who reads it. The new English edition of her biography, entitled Bakhita: From Slave to Saint, vividly recounts the unique details, tragedy, and virtues of her life. When she was about nine years old, Josephine Bakhita was kidnapped near Darfur, Sudan, by Arab slave traders. For several years she was subjected to brutal and humiliating treatment until she was ransomed and taken to Venice, Italy, where she eventually converted to Catholicism and became a nun.

Joyfully and serenely Bakhita served in a convent, school and infirmary run by Canossian sisters in a small, obscure town in northern Italy until her death in 1947. Then something even more remarkable than her redemption happened.

Hundreds of ordinary people came to see Bakhita lying in state, and along with these visits came stories about how the simple nun had given comfort, advice and encouragement as she went about her tasks as cook, doorkeeper, nurse, etc. Almost immediately graces and miracles attributed to Bakhita’s intercession began to be reported.

Ever since, the place where Bakhita died and the wonders began has been a shrine visited by people from all over the world. They come to seek the intercession of one who was no stranger to loss and suffering and yet had given herself with complete confidence to the Lord. It is here, in this sparsely furnished room, where Italian journalist Roberto Italo Zanini begins his story of Bakhita and her journey from slavery to sainthood.

Based on Bakhita’s autobiography, which she dictated to a Canossian sister in obedience to her superior, the canonization files and many other sources, Zanini records the life, virtues and miracles of this daughter of Africa who has become a sister to the whole world.

Mother Dolores Hart, Prioress at Regina Laudis Abbey and co-author of the book The Ear of The Heart: An Actress’ Journey from Hollywood to Holy Vows, says, “Every story of sanctity is that of a person who takes her whole life – the gifts and the sorrows, wounds, and wonders all – and opens to the grace of God. Such is the story of Saint Josephine Bakhita told beautifully and with careful scholarship by Roberto Zanini. By choosing Christ and choosing forgiveness, Bakhita illuminates the darkest shadows of the human condition with the transforming light of faith in the one true Master.”

Anthony Ryan, Director of Sales and Marketing for Ignatius Press, says, “Ignatius Press is pleased to offer this definitive biography of St. Josephine Bakhita, which vividly describes her amazing journey from being kidnapped by slave-traders, to her conversion to the Catholic Faith and path to sainthood. This inspirational book, which includes 16 pages of photographs from her exceptional life, is sure to encourage readers to imitate Bakhita’s heroic example of forgiveness and sanctity.”

About the Author

Roberto Italo Zanini is an editor and writer for Avvenire, the daily newspaper of the Italian bishops. His articles have appeared in many Italian publications, both Catholic and secular.

Order Bakhita: From Slave to Saint and support CatholicMom.com with your purchase

Be sure to check out our Book Notes archive.

Copyright 2013 Lisa M. Hendey

St. Bernardino of Siena

God has sent me a friend, I think.  He showed up about a week ago, and I’m not sure how long he’s going to stay.

He’s a Franciscan, a preacher, a theologian, and a canonist.  And he lived 600 years ago.

St. Bernadino of Siena arrived on my scene last week through his bio in the Magnificat.  I’ve quickly fallen in love with the Holy Name ever since reading Fr. Paul O’Sullivan’s book The Wonders of the Holy Name some weeks ago, and it was striking to me that the saint featured in this month’s Magnficat would be someone who was so totally devoted to the Holy Name that he carried a staff with the initials IHS on top and who indeed worked many wonders in the Name of Jesus.  The timing caught my attention and my heart and I felt an instant connection with and affection for him, despite the years between us and our many differences.  I’ve felt him in our house ever since, close at hand, in my thoughts, pointing out ways that the Holy Name is glorified, bringing me to today when my husband called from work to wish me a happy Feast of St. Bernadino and my heart inexplicably leapt.

What I’ve learned about our guest is that in 1417 he began preaching in Milan and Lombardy and later travelled to other parts of Italy, always on foot.  (He had to practice extensively to train his weak voice to become strong enough to be heard in churches and open-air pulpits.)  He preached on the person of Christ and focused on the common sins of his day: witchcraft, usury, gambling, and superstition, advocating for penance and voluntary poverty to help ward off these evils (Butlers Lives of the Saints, May, pg. 107).

St. Bernadino preached that “speech ought to be a holy activity free of salaciousness and vulgarity” and that “malicious gossip…triggered warfare”.

Of all words he most cherished the Holy Name, saying:

The name of Jesus is the glory of preachers, because the shining splendor of that name causes his word to be proclaimed and heard.  And how do you think such an immense, sudden, and dazzling light of faith came into the world, if not because Jesus was preached?  Was it not through the brilliance and sweet savor of this name that God called us into His marvelous light? (Magnficat, Vol. 15, No.3)

And so this good mendicant friar from the middle ages is with us for the time being.  I’m not quite sure what he wants or why the Lord has sent him in particular.  With a typical houseguest (okay, so really only a grandparent or brother has been willing/brave enough to stay with us overnight), I’d be concerned about what to feed him, how to entertain him, and making sure no tiny people were wandering into his room at 5:30 in the morning to see what were in his bags and to find out if maybe he’d like to play stuffed animals right now.  But how to ensure that a saintly visitor is pleased with the hospitality?  I’m not sure.  I suppose I could ask him, but I’m a little nervous about what he’ll say.  Despite his endlessly-good nature, he might prove the most difficult to please.

Do you have any ideas?  Have you had any saintly visitors lately and how have you cared for them in your home?

Copyright 2013 Meg Matenaer

Janice Carbon

Sometimes Life Comes with Bumps and Bruises

There are times in our lives when we may need professional counseling.It may come in a situation with one of our children that we are not so sure how to handle. Or it may be that there are issues in our marriage that we want to talk over with a trusted, independent person who has the appropriate knowledge to help. Or it can simply be that we want to improve ourselves and our lives. We may be feeling stuck in a rut and not sure what we need to do to get ourselves free so that we can be the person God created us to be.

How to Find the Right Professional

With so many professionals out there, how do you pick the right person to work with?  

The single most important factor is to find someone who understands and shares your core value base. For us Catholics, that means someone who is a practicing Catholic, living a life true to the Magisterium of the Church. You want someone who not only knows, but cherishes, our Catholic faith.

Your pastor or parish office might have a list of Catholic therapists in your area. If not, you can search for Catholic therapists in your area at CatholicTherapists.com.

Why a Catholic Professional Is so Important

One of the main problems with secular counseling is that psychology puts the self at the center of things. It is all about discovering the self and actualizing the self.  The problem is that everything is directed by what the self wants. In simple terms, the approach taken by secular counseling comes down to “my will be done.”

Catholics, on the other hand, respect the life and unique personhood of each individual. And we see our lives in a much larger context.

• We have an eternal perspective.
• We see ourselves as sons and daughters of a loving God.
• We are creatures created by a divine Creator.
• We believe that we are created by Love, out of Love, and for Love.

This is worlds away from the secular outlook!

As Catholics, we cannot settle for “my will be done.” We know that only leads to frustration. Instead, we must consider God’s will, as in “Thy will be done,” for we know that true and lasting happiness can only be found in God.

There Is No Such Thing as Neutral

Secular therapists say that they are “value neutral.” As a society, we have been drowning in this secular nonsense for decades. But we know the truth: God is good! God is the source of all goodness, and no good exists outside of God! And if this is case, then another truth naturally follows: All healing comes from God! And since God is the source of all healing; there is no healing outside of Him. This is why it is so important to seek counseling from a professional that shares your Catholic faith. To seek healing without God can only end in frustration.

If you find yourself in need of counseling, pray to God and seek help from your pastor, your parish family, and from a Catholic therapist.

Janice Carbon is a Catholic Counseling Professional. She is also the author of Fully Alive! now available through Tau Publishing.

Copyright 2013 Janice Carbon

Abbey Dupuy

Editor’s note: Today, we welcome Abbey Dupuy to our family of writers. Abbey blogs at Surviving Our Blessings and is a busy mom of twins and a preschooler. I look forward to learning from her! Please join me in giving Abbey a warm CatholicMom.com welcome! LMH

My parish used to take the water out of the holy water font during Lent.

Although they stopped doing that a number of years ago, I still remember the feeling of oddly-dry fingers on the way in to Mass that accompanied the stripped-down altar and the absent Alleluia.

I came to the Catholic Church incrementally, but part of what drew me in was the quiet, prayerful holiness of the Mass and the diversity of prayer practice in the tradition. My introverted soul craves quiet contemplation, longs to rest in silence and drink it all in. I remember the days when I used to arrive early to Mass just to kneel and soak it up, letting my soul stretch and reach upward as everyone was arriving. I felt I connected with God at every turn then, and when I left Mass each week, I carried the fiercely burning light of Christ at the very center of my being, so hot that I could physically feel it behind my breastbone.

In the Gospel story of Mary and Martha, I was Mary all the way…sitting at Jesus’ feet and hanging on his every word.

Fast forward to now, and I feel like it’s all passing me by. I’m exhausted. I’m surrounded by clamor and chaos, and it’s my job to restore order. I’m in full-Martha survival mode.

Getting us all to church each week feels like an epic challenge, managed only by my most careful planning and hard work. I try to streamline Sunday morning as much as possible, but by breakfast, we’re often running late. We are never early (partly because we run late almost everywhere these days, and partly because getting to church early just means our little people have to stay put in the pews longer), but I wish we were on time more often.

When we arrive, we park and unload everyone, lugging them into church from the parking garage with the huge diaper bag stocked with distractions and extra clothes and diapers, praying that we will make it through the Mass without at least one child needing to be removed for tears or tantrums. We spend our time not sitting in quiet prayer, but bouncing, walking, whispering, shushing, swaying, pointing at words in books, turning pages, rescuing runaway crayons, preventing people from rolling on the floor, and trying not to be distracting. There are weeks when we spend the entire Mass out in the foyer with toddlers who are driven to walk, to climb, to chatter about everything they see.

I know that’s how God created toddlers. That’s how they experience the world – it’s what they do at this stage in their lives. They are too young to understand about sitting for that long, and we are outnumbered. We bring things to occupy them, but the laws of toddler physics are inevitable: eventually, a toddler-not-in-motion will become a toddler-in-motion…and woe to the mother who tries to impede that toddler.

If we are in the foyer, I always sneak back into the church for Eucharist carrying whichever child is least likely to make a scene. The priest often makes comments in his lengthy almost-the-end-of-Mass announcements about how people should stay through the final hymn, but we usually sneak out again.

When I was Mary, I always stayed through the final hymn. (Honestly, I even judged other people for leaving before the final words had been sung.)

Now Martha is in charge, and she knows that sometimes, we need to cut our losses and get out of there as quickly as possible.

By the time we reverse our arrival process, stuffing our frustrated children back into the car before grabbing lunch quickly in our attempt to make it home before nap time (so we can collapse when the children are sleeping), I’m often in tears, sweaty with exertion. I’m exhausted from the struggle of managing it all. Sometimes my arms are actually shaking from the physical effort of keeping everything together. Most weeks, I only know what the readings are if I managed to read them ahead of time (as the chances of my absorbing much of what is said are low).

Parenting on Sundays sometimes feels like as much work as all the other days added together.

My friends who are not churchgoers wonder why we do this every week. If it’s so hard, why are we putting ourselves through it? Surely God would understand if we stopped bringing them to Mass for a while, if I went by myself while my children stayed home with their dad, if our family came back all together in a couple of years when everyone was better able to handle it?

God would probably understand, yes. But it’s not God I’m worried about.

It’s me.

Although I do believe it benefits our littlest ones to be in church with us, when it comes down to it, I’m the one who really needs to be there. I need to dip my fingers in the font. (There’s plenty of water there now; it’s my soul that is parched.) I need to sing, even if I don’t remember all the words and can’t manage holding a hymnal (or am caught in the foyer without one). I need to lock eyes with the child that is challenging me most and say, “Peace be with you.” I need to encounter Christ. And in that one small moment after receiving Eucharist, I need to take a deep breath, look into the face of Jesus on the cross and say, “Yes.” Or maybe, “Lord, have mercy.” Or maybe nothing at all.

I need to be Mary again, just for a second.

Even if I’m struggling the entire time, in that one moment, there is strength to sustain me. I can keep going for the rest of that day, for another day, for another week. I am not alone in my work of mothering these children. My work is God’s work. My children are God’s children. God loves them infinitely more than I do, and God loves them through me and in spite of me…and as long as I remember that, I cannot fail them entirely.

I’m so grateful for the gifts of their lives. I tuck them in every single night with a blessing and the words, “I’m so thankful to be your mama.” I’m working hard, and I’m learning to manage, and I’m a Martha-among-Marthas most days: capable, organized, and on top of my game.

But sometimes, the Mary in my soul would really, really like to just rest quietly at Jesus’ feet and drink her fill.

Copyright 2013 Abbey Dupuy 

There are currently efforts in our government to pass sales tax regulations for Internet purchases, and many consumers are worried.  In tough economic times, can we afford an increase in taxes?

First, let me begin by saying that I am politically impartial to the topic.  Honestly, I care less what the prevailing thought is on either the blue or red side of the fence.  This topic primarily concerns me as a professional in the IT industry and as a consumer, nothing more.

Next, let me share a little secret with you: in many states (if not most), you should already be paying taxes on your Internet purchases.  Shocked?  I was too.

Have you ever heard of use tax?  You have probably heard the word in the phrase sales and use tax because generally, they go hand-in-hand.

Here’s how it works.  When you make a purchase in another state (including online), that retailer has the option of collecting sales tax from you – they may even be required to.  However, if they don’t, you pay a use tax back in your home state, usually at your state’s normal sales tax rate.

For example, if I purchase a book from an online store for $20, but they do not collect sales tax, Illinois (my home state) requires me to pay a $1.25 use tax on it that can be added to my yearly 1040.  In fact, Illinois adds that if they charge me too little, say 5% instead of the state’s 6.25%, I should pay them the $0.25 difference.

Confused yet?  Me too.

Well, let’s put it simply.  If you do not pay sales taxes on your Internet purchases, there is a good chance you should be paying use tax instead.

Why doesn’t the online retailer collect it for us?  Because they are as confused by all of this as we are, and they would rather put the ball in our court – putting us on the hook to pay our own taxes.  How nice of them!

Retailers also choose not to collect taxes because it gives them an advantage over their brick-and-mortar counterparts.  Many times, the money saved on taxes makes up for the cost of shipping – driving more customers online for convenience.  With free shipping, consumers believe they are saving money, but in reality, they aren’t (with the cost of use tax).

Anyway, the bills being introduced would force retailers to collect the taxes, which takes the burden off of us.  So this is not really a tax increase; it is collecting taxes that are technically due already, but putting the burden on the retailer and not on us.

This is a good step in the right direction, but of course, the lawmakers could have made it a lot easier.  The laws for each state are complex, and some collect state, county, and municipal taxes.  Imagine being a small company trying to navigate that mess across 50 states!

The government could, at least, force states into one tax rate across the state – dropping county and municipal taxes.  If they did, more online retailers would be likely to comply.  It’s so difficult now that many choose not to.  Simplifying the process, and flattening the rates, would actually increase revenues for many states.

Why does any of this matter to a tech guy like me?  Because managing these extra tax burdens on ecommerce sites is difficult, to say the least.  Trying to keep up with the constantly changing tax landscapes across 50 states is anything but easy.

It has also affected jobs.  For instance, when my lovely governor passed an Internet tax bill in Illinois a few years back, it sent a lot of tech jobs to other states.  The law is so strict that I cannot even place ads on my website for companies like Amazon without it causing a taxable event.  Thank you, Mr. Governor.

There are many points to consider with instituting a nationwide Internet sales tax, but I’m not overly impressed with the currently introduced legislation.   I think our political leaders could have done a better job at drafting a bill that helps states collect revenues while streamlining the process at the same time.

Regardless of what happens with this bill, or the next, Internet taxes are coming, one way or another, so be ready for it.

Read more of our Tech Talk columns.

Copyright 2013 Chad R. Torgerson

• Today’s Scriptures
• USCCB Video Reflection
• Saints of the Day

Our liturgical readings taken from the wisdom thought of Sirach is supplemented by the Psalms chosen for our response and meditation.  They are psalms that are from the wisdom lineage of the Temple prayers and songs.  We see this in the frequent use of Psalm 1, Psalm 19 A and B, and Psalm 119 the longest in the Psalter.  They help us ponder over the wisdom writings with a prayer and with our own meditation on the themes expressed in the first reading.

Jesus is often called Wisdom by contemporary theologians.  He is filled with the wisdom coming from the Holy Spirit. Today he is teaching wisdom to his disciples by making sure they are tolerant of others who share in special gifts from God and done in Jesus’ name.  His disciples need wisdom in learning how to be tolerant of others and not judgmental or jealous.  Maybe the two are related in lack of tolerance.  The case at hand is that a man is casting out demons in the name of Jesus even though he is not a disciple of Jesus.  Jesus teaches his disciples practical wisdom seen in good judgment.  The tells them, “Anyone who is not against us, is for us.”

Sirach illustrates the role of wisdom in the lives who are seeking her (Sophia, Wisdom personified).  Her wisdom is to be received and acted upon in those who love her; it again is practical wisdom and down to earth.

Not only individuals but communities are called to be followers of wisdom.  Members are to be alert to forms of prejudice, rash judgment of others,  virulent backbiting,  hurtful sarcasm.  Arrogance or a feeling that we are better than others is also a part of the picture when a group lacks wisdom.  Tolerance is a gift that fosters honesty and transparency; it listens to the others, enters into dialogue with them, stays at table with them and has no pretense of knowing all things.  Like the disciples we too need to realize that those who are not with us may not be against us.

We pray for the gift of Wisdom from the Holy Spirit.  We learn to never despise anyone.  We praise those who praise God and Jesus.  We learn from them.  Wisdom is an ongoing process and thus it fits in with the liturgical concept of ordinary time.  Wisdom however is not ordinary; it is extraordinary and a graced gift from God. Amen.

Copyright 2013 Fr. Bertrand Buby, S.M. 

Being Your Kids’ P.A.R.A.

Being a P.A.R.A. means 1) Paying Attention, 2) Responding, and 3) Arranging; it’s the Mary at the Wedding of Cana approach to relationships.  The story about my daughter’s gymnastics team experience delivers on my promise for real examples.

The coach of the East YMCA Flyers gymnastics team approached Gianna two years ago to be on the team.  Unwilling to be a gymnastics widow, I loved the East Y’s balanced approach to competitive gymnastics: reasonable hours in the gym minimizing time away from family and family meals, super affordable rates, and the encouragement of the girls to work smart to be the best they can be without the stress of Olympic-bound kids’ sports philosophy.

Gianna beamed her first year.  Her scores gradually improved with each meet, and she loved the family’s attention on her during her competitions.  As the season progressed  though, the competition got tougher.  Moving towards the State Gymnastics competition practices became more serious as the coaches critiqued the girls more to perfect their routines. Gianna’s used to doing things well and being the top dog; being towards the bottom of the heap left her uncomfortable.

The intensity combined with consequences of Gianna’s shyness mounted.  Being more timid Gianna had not reached out to get to know the other girls.  Overtime, their unfamiliarity became awkward.

She wanted to quit.

My gut told me she wanted to quit for the wrong reasons. We compromised with an agreement to take a break over the summer.  When fall came again she was eager to get back to gymnastics.

The next year was a repeat of the first with the addition of the fact that for months during the tough part of the gymnastics season we had neglected having Gianna’s friends over to the house.  She was feeling disconnected socially at school and at gymnastics.  I realize all kids need to have friends on their own turf, particularly shy ones.

Paying attention to the root problem—Gianna’s shyness and consequent social problems and her perfectionism—I immediately ramped up the play dates.  Within a month there was no real talk of dumping gymnastics, Gianna had her confidence back, and she was willing to work through the emotions of competing without letting it tear her down.

Copyright 2013 Christina M. Weber

Summer Break Survival Guide

Summer break is just around the corner or has already started for some. While I’m thankful for the upcoming rest from the business of school and I look forward to some extra time with the kids, part of me can’t help but inwardly cringe at the thought of all the kids being home….together…in the same house…for weeks at a time…without any schedule.

Excuse me while I hyperventilate.

Ok, I’m back. In order to prevent mass chaos, shouting matches, and additional panic attacks, I decided to make a Summer Break Survival Guide for our family.

1. Make a Plan

• Ok, I know “plans” are merely a figment of my hopeful imagination and that they don’t really exist. Still, I’m going to lay out at least an “idea” of how I would like our summer break to go. A good friend of mine always suggests starting out with low expectations and then maybe you’ll be happily surprised when these “plans” exceed those.
• Our plan actually consists of a word collage of our favorite things about summer. I print it out and stick it on our fridge for daily inspiration.
• Routine – Schedules are good for schools; loose routines are more realistic for home life. Set up a very basic daily routine, allowing room for flexibility so you can add or take away activities on top of the basic “foundation”. Here’s an example: Wake up. Eat. Chores. Play. Eat. Rest Time. Eat. Chores. Sleep. Repeat.

2. Activities

• “Sit still and be nice to each other” is a foreign concept to my children. It’s not in their nature. Our school kids are used to following a schedule full of activities and work during the school year while our younger kids at home are used to their own play time and activities at home. When left to their own whims, my children choose to see how far under each other’s skin they can go for entertainment. Participating in some special summer activities not only keeps them from killing each other, it can also keep their brains and muscles from turning into slushies over the summer. Most cities and towns, and even your own parish, offer various summer activities, programs and camps that can be both fun and educational.

3. Down Time

• Warning: Do not overdose on summer activities. Too many scheduled activities is likely to cause severe summer burn – out, resulting in extreme chaos, stress, and tears from all involved. Remember this is summer break – not the third semester of school. Everyone – kids and parents – need time to just…be. There are enough summer activities offered to fill up an entire summer and then some. If I signed up for all of them I might as well sell our house, live in our car, and never see my kids. When registering for camps or other programs pick a few, one, or none and make up your own activities. Or schedule your activities in the morning leaving room for a quieter afternoon of relaxing by the cool pool or under a tree with a delicious book.

4. Chores

• Between all the activities and relaxing, there’s still work to be done. Yes, the kids will gripe but teaching these youngsters the value of hard work and responsibility is a vital lesson of life. Use charts, stickers, and/or skittles to help motivate everyone to do their part and hopefully you’ll survive the summer with your house still in one piece.

5. Make a summer toolbox

• Get a few boxes or baskets and fill them with special “summer break” items the kids can go to when they are “bored”. Suggested items: Books, books, books! Take a tour of your local libraries or bookstores for some new additions to your current book collection for some fun summer reading. Coloring books, play dough, lacing and card games, paints and other crafty items are good boredom busters also. I recently raided the $1 bins at Target and came up with some water toys and other summer fun treasures. I’d be surprised if we made it through the summer without losing or breaking some of these but at least I only paid $1 for them. Check our garage sales for new-to-you puzzles and board games – you’d be surprised what treasures you can find. If in doubt, grab the swimsuits and goggles, turn on the sprinklers or fill up some big tubs with water for hours of fun.

6. Lastly, but most importantly, PRAY. While we take a break from the normal school year routines, continue with your current prayer habits. Keep it simple and make sure you carve out prayer time at least once a day for yourself and as a family. Even if it’s just a quick Morning Offering, attending a daily Mass once a week, or sending up random aspirations or desperate calls for help – don’t forget to pray and keep Christ at the center of all your summer activities.

Copyright 2013 Erika Marie

May is a great month, dedicated to our Mother Mary and honoring all moms with Mother’s Day. Spring has sprung….and what better time to fill the house with flowers while saying the prayers of the Rosary!?

I really liked Alicia’s post on A Spiritual Bouquet Card Craft last week…and I also have a Spiritual Bouquet craft encouraging families to pray the Rosary as a special gift for loved ones.

My kids love crafts. When my first daughter (Emily) was a toddler, we made Rosary Spiritual Bouquet flowers…with each petal, leaf or stem representing a different prayer of one decade of the Rosary. She loved crafts and the flower pieces helped her keep track of the Hail Mary prayers! Making Spiritual Bouquets with my eldest…was B.B. (before blogging!) but I do have pictures of Spiritual Bouquet-making with my youngest daughter (Bridget) last year!

Emily (@ 2 and a half!) would endlessly say decades of the rosary as we constructed the colorful flowers. At that point, I cut the pieces, but she had free reign over the gluing. We made some special looking flowers…and Grandma loved them, especially when she discovered that we were saying those Our Fathers, Hail Marys, Glory Be’s and Fatima prayers…just for her!

Here’s a quick reminder how to say the Rosary.

We ended up turning that little craft into a popular Cathletics Craft Kit with B&W templates of the flowers, with all the prayers printed on the petals and leaves.

It’s called the Spiritual Bouquet of Prayer Petal Flowers

My youngest daughter is pretty good with scissors too …and loves to do crafts!
We share the praying part, alternating the first and second parts of the Our Father and the Hail Mary… especially while the scissors are involved.

Over time, we added more features to our Spiritual Bouquet Cathletics Craft Kit…like extra clipart for that special card for Grandma. (It explains the concept of the Catholic tradition of Spiritual Bouquets.)  We also created the flower and clipart based on the Divine Mercy Chaplet…and we were so happy to include it within the kit. Here’s a quick reference for saying the Divine Mercy Chaplet.

Now, we have added even more to the Spiritual Bouquet of Prayer Petal Flowers Cathletics Craft Kit including one-page Rosary and Divine Mercy coloring pages and a template to make a giant wall garland with all 20 Mysteries of the Rosary!

Happy Month of May!

Copyright 2013 Monica McConkey

“I’m not that interested in ‘mass’ communications. I’m much more interested in what happens between this person and the one person watching. The space between the television set and that person who’s watching is very holy ground.”

Social Media in the Marriage and Family

The traditional family unit has been negatively hit from so many directions in our world in recent times.  Now state and federal courts are, at a few homosexuals’ constant and indignant urgings, adding to the destruction of the traditional and healthy institution of marriage by passing legislation redefining marriage to allow same-sex couples to enter this institution.  It completely shocks and amazes me how these educated and elected individuals can be party to the destruction of the central and so necessary human structure.  But, alas, the members of traditional marriage have sadly and selfishly been part of the destruction of marriage, too with spousal abuse, divorce, and infidelity. How can we possibly protect marriage when many of our own members do not seem to respect it.

Now, enter social media, the smartphone and all the other electronic hand-held gadgets that are supposedly making our lives more organized. Calendars, memo pads, apps out the ying-yang, games, exercise videos, the list goes on at the touch of a button in your hand.  You can look up information in a split second, order books, tickets, reservations, check the weather, find your way through town, and play games online with people you don’t know all at the press of a button or a call out to Siri.  Convenient and simple, eh?  Distracting?  Maybe, depending on who you ask.  Some say that modern technology has made our lives more complicated rather than organized and less stressed.  How much information from the information highway does one need in a 24-hour period?

In all the talks and articles I’ve read, mainly they involve controlling or monitoring the children and young people in the family.  Important as that is, however, the marriage has been affected by online activities as well.  Now we have new friends, old acquaintances, school chums from way back, and even co-workers included in our lives at a more familiar level.  Anyone of these “friends” can be contacted quickly and frequently without too much effort.  So now, not only the children, but married couples are involved in separate and, very often unknown to each other, online communities and friendships. According to an article I read on Psych Central.com, many attorneys search Facebook primarily for infidelity evidence and inappropriate behavior meriting the onset of a divorce.

Physical affairs are one thing, but what might catch us off guard is the emotional affairs that take place online….innocent, right??  NO!  We are learning more and more about emotional affairs having an impact on today’s marriages and relationships on a very negative level.  At neck-breaking speed, we can be “with” someone emotionally online and not think badly of it…..it’s just talking, right?  No, it’s investing time away from the spouse, being more intimate emotionally with another and that will take it’s toll on the relationship, by becoming physical eventually.  I, personally, have seen this happen to a few friends, it is devastating!

So, how do we combat this new invader?  By setting up online rules that both spouses will agree to.

• Trust is essential for good and healthy relationships, but once broken, it’s extremely difficult to regain.  By having all passwords available to each other, this can really help keep things up and up with each other.
• Use best judgment in “friend” selections.  People you probably shouldn’t be friends with online are unmarried friends and co-workers, really though, why do you want coworkers as friends anyway, you work with them….give it a rest off hours!
• Have a “off-line” time with family….turn the phone and computer off at night…..enjoy the people you are with!   Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI talked about online evangelization, but that our online activities should not REPLACE our face to face relationships!
• and of course, be considerate of your spouse; if there is someone they are not comfortable with you being friends with online, by all means, respect their wishes don’t friend them.  No explanation is necessary, but if there is, you are married or in a relationship!

On a positive and personal note, my knight and I live far from family and Facebook has been great for us to catch up with those we love.  Now we’re connected with family members we don’t get to see but once a year, even from his cousin in Germany, how fun is that??  We both have iPhones and have learned to text via the teens in the house, so we use our phones to check in and text throughout the day, “Hope your day is going well, love you!”  He’s silly and sends me pictures of his lunch so I know what NOT to make for dinner…..and I usually get a heart and “hows your day going?   It’s a good feeling that we can use online and smartphones to our advantage in a good way.

The most important thing in the world is your family, without them, life isn’t quite fulfilling, and we need to protect the traditional institution of marriage for our family, our society, and our future.  Our online activity should reflect our priorities.  There’s a great deal of great stuff online, but there is also a great deal of evil.  Keep your shields up and profiles low.

Copyright 2013 Ebeth Weidner

Journey Toward the Sacraments

Press suit. Check. Shine black dress shoes. Check. Purchase white satin tie and arm band. Check. Cut hair, charge camera batteries. Check and check. Stock up on paper goods, plan menu, order cake, boutonniere and balloons. Check, check and check.

Plant, weed and generally beautify yard after a long and dormant winter. Check. (Okay, this one is still ongoing….)

‘Tis the season?   No, not that season…the favored season among many, which generates lists, traditions and rich memories as well… The sacramental season:  When grace and mercy are amply bestowed by our loving Father upon first communicants and confirmandi throughout dioceses across America.

The season of photos  capturing grace filled moments of the conferring of the sacrament, which will undoubtedly decorate shelves in lovely frames for posterity. The season of when family members enjoy the camaraderie of the cooking, the baking, the decorating, the general preparing. And yes, the season when Moms and Dads of these blessed first communicants and confirmandi stress and generally place importance on the unimportant…..or the not-as-important.

As the Mom of a little one on the brink of receiving sacramental graces, I am certainly ‘guilty’ of, shall we say, overaccentuating the, well…… the fluff.  Not that a little organization isn’t helpful when it comes to the shade of blue with which your little First Communicant’s gift is beribboned; the style of cutlery… (clear or white?) with which your guests enjoy the celebratory meal; the agonizingly oh-so-exact placement of your child’s photo on the invitation; the labeling of the coffee urns as ‘decaf’ and ‘caffeinated’ or the….. Wait; did I say ‘organized’? Hmm, what I really mean is …. well, overboard.

How about a revised “to do” list? One that is actually meaningful in the deeper context of the awe inspiring sacraments about to be received by our children and one which may inspire all of us as parents and catechists to a deeper understanding of the sacramental graces?

Lately, in our homeschool, I have chosen to pare down and subscribe to the ‘less is more’ ideology.  Overextending into many resources with hope that marinating the kids in sheer volume…well, that  tends to be counterproductive for them, as well as for me.

Discussion around just a few literary jewels that truly speak to us.

Time carved out for deep, thoughtful conersations.

Writing and projects around a few classic pieces of literature or a few aptly chosen parables from the Bible.

Praying the Rosary… we are all well aware that it is the source through which abundant graces are received.

So, yes, well within my Mom ‘job description’ is directing my family’s minutiae….the essential and the extraneous.  I am blessed to be living this vocation of Motherhood and recognize the immense requisite of micromanagement expertise daily granted me by our Lord.

While the preparation for The Big Day will remain paramount on my to-do list, I will say with conviction that what-does-not-get-done will be forgotten as my husband and I witness perfection in our son’s receiving of the Sacrament on That Day.

Copyright 2013 Christine Capolino

My reading time is suffering TREMENDOUSLY from an attack of the killer cute. Consider:

And then I have THIS:

Don’t worry, y’all. I’m not giving up the reading, even though they’re conspiring to try to eat my homework.

Recent Reads

21 Ways to Worship: A Guide to Eucharistic Adoration, by Vinny Flynn (MercySong/Ignatius, 2012)

My rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Why yes, I was rather reluctant to read this one. That makes the awesomesauce that this book was even sweeter. I thought I knew the tone it would have and the attitude of eye-rolling it would inspire in me. I was, in fact, convinced I would have to work to write a favorable review.

In this book, Flynn brilliantly and concisely makes a case, not just for Adoration, not just for a deeper prayer life, not just for a gimmick-style Christian life, but for an approach to really living and transforming your life through small actions. Call it prayer, call it worship, call it Adoration: it is, at the root of it, encouragement for those of us who struggle, for those of us who juggle unsuccessfully, for those of us who wonder if what we’re doing is ever enough.

There’s no “Catholic lite” in this book, just a toolbox packed with approaches, ideas, and sincere devotion. You won’t be able to help changing your life as you read this book. Mine’s already better. I can’t wait to read it again.

Current Reads

Strange Gods: Unmasking the Idols in Everyday Life, by Elizabeth Scalia (Ave Maria Press, 2013)

What’s not to love? I’m only partway through the acknowledgements, which are a who’s-who of Catholic bloggers and writers, but I’m already hooked. I heard Scalia on a recent episode of Catholic Weekend and, had it not been for the fact that I was baling my crazy-grass-growing yard for something like the fifth time that week, I would have stopped everything to start reading.

A Method to the Madness: A Guide to the Super Evil, by Jeffrey Hite (Five Rivers Chapmanry, 2013, fiction)

I should be done with this book already! Except…except that it’s MAY. And you know what THAT means, right? It means…well, yeah, I have excuses and dirt under my toenails and grimy kids and mowing to do and…and…and… The more I read of this book, the more I love it. Next week, I will have more to say under the “I’m done with it now” category.

On Heaven and Earth: Pope Francis on Faith, Family, and the Church in the Twenty-First Century, by Jorge Bergoglio (Pope Francis) & Abraham Skorka (Image Books, 2013)

On the one hand, this is a great book to read in small chunks. It’s spiritual reading with a conversational tone (because it’s really a conversation). On the other hand, I want to just…keep…reading. Good, good, GOOOOOOOD stuff.

What have YOU been reading lately?

*Are you on Goodreads? I’ll see you there!

Curious about what my ratings mean? Here’s an explanation of what the stars mean to me.

Be sure to check out our Book Notes archive.

Copyright 2013, Sarah Reinhard

31 Days to Becoming a Better Religious Educator

Editor’s note: Today, we congratulate our fellow CatholicMom.com contributor Jared Dees on the launch of his fantastic new book 31 Days to Becoming a Better Religious Educator.  Since every Catholic parent is the primary religion teacher for his or her children, this is a book that belongs in every Catholic home. It would also make the perfect “end of the school year” thank you gift for every Catholic teacher in your life. Kudos Jared! LMH

Last weekend my wife and I were given a compliment we really needed to hear. After Mass one of the older couples that dares to sit near the Dees family told us that our two year old has been acting so much better at Mass.

It was like a weight had been lifted off of my heart. We had been trying so hard to motivate her to settle down during Mass for at least a year.

About four or five weeks ago, it came to a breaking point.

We participated in an evening Mass that was horrendous. Now granted, it was the Saturday vigil and it threw off our dinner schedule, but it is no excuse for the behavior she displayed. We spent most of the Mass in the crying room, but eventually it got to the point that she was so bad I couldn’t even bear to distract the moms, dads, and children who were trying to keep their own little ones quiet!

Thankfully, we had driven two cars to church that night. After Mass, I told my wife, “I got this.”

In the car, that daughter of mine knew she had something coming. I was so angry; I felt like ripping her head off–I mean really screaming at her.

Instead, I followed a simple format for the conversation that I’ll share momentarily. I was stern. I was clear and she was sorry. She also remembered the conversation next time we went to Mass. I’m not saying I solved the mystery. We’ve still had to take her to the back of church since that night, but she clearly tried a lot harder after our conversation. Maybe she’s just a month older and naturally settled down, but I like to think that our talk was a turning point for us.

What Motivates Children to Do What’s Hard?

It really isn’t her fault. When you see children acting out in Mass, don’t blame the parents and have pity on the child. Sitting still and listening for an hour is not a skill they are born with. They have the attention span of two minutes, max. They are still learning the correct behavior in church.

But how do you motivate even a toddler to develop skills beyond their current abilities? I agree with educational psychologist, Carol Dweck, who says that it part of the challenge comes down to mindset.

According to Dweck’s research, we can have two types of perceptions on life: a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. Those with a fixed mindset see success or failure as something unavoidable and as a consequence of intelligence or age. Those with a growth mindset, on the other hand, see success and failure as opportunities for growth, self-improvement, and change.

How do you cultivate a growth mindset? Try mixing in positive feedback with constructive criticism. The more a young person believes in herself, the more she will feel she has the capability to overcome the challenges in her future.

To do this I like to use the Sandwich Approach, a technique I learned while working for the sports education program at the University of Notre Dame called Play Like A Champion Today. It is also the technique I used to control my anger with my daughter after Mass that day when we had hit our breaking point.

Using the Sandwich Approach to Motivate Children

Traditionally, a sandwich has two pieces of bread with something in the middle like meat, peanut butter and jelly, or, my personal favorite, Nutella.

The sandwich approach to giving positive feedback looks like this:

• Positive Compliment
• Constructive Criticism
• Positive Encouragement

In each instance, we state something specific and believable. We compliment a child on something they know they’ve done well or mastered. It reinforces the idea that they have the ability to do something even when it is hard.

The constructive criticism is the feedback on what they did wrong, but also what they should do instead. Here we don’t tell our children that they are “bad” or even that they are “a bad listener.” We focus on the behavior, which we know can change. We don’t tell our kids what they are as if it were a life sentence, but tell them what they did and what they should do differently.

Finally, we end with a word of positive encouragement to share our confidence that they can overcome this particular challenge and make a change in the future.

An Example of the Sandwich Approach

Here is how my conversation with my daughter went after Mass that day:

“That behavior was unacceptable and I am very disappointed. 

There were two times during Mass when you were listening and singing. When we stood up for the Alleluia, it made me very happy to hear you sign a long. And after communion, I was glad to see you said your prayers. (Positive Compliment) 

But the way you behaved during the readings and when Father was saying the prayers at the altar today was completely unacceptable. You know that we sit on our bottoms during Mass and we listen and watch. We do not get out of our seats. We do not crawl on the ground. We do not whine and cry. We sit on our bottoms and listen quietly. When it is time to sing, we sing together. But we do not get up out of our seats. (Constructive Criticism) 

Now, I know you can do a better job next time. At home you do a great job praying before dinners. Jesus really appreciates when you say your prayers like that. If you can do it at home, I know you can do it in church.” (Positive Encouragement) 

The tone I took while saying all this was unlike anything she had heard me take before. I said a lot more, but this was the basic structure. She felt very sorry. The car ride home was completely silent, except for one moment about two minutes from our house when she said, “Sorry Daddy.” She even apologized to my wife when we got home. And most importantly, she remembered what I had said the next week at Mass.

Like I mentioned, it may be that she’s just a little bit older now. It may be that she’s got a better attention span now than she did a few weeks ago. But neither she nor I feel that bad behavior at mass is just a result of her personality, genetics, or age. She’s not doomed to misbehaving at masses. She can get better and she has gotten better.

How do you make sure improvement is possible?

It’s all about the mindset–a mindset that is formed by the way we give our children feedback. Think positive even when you’re angry.

This article is an adaptation of the principles in the exercise in Day 18 of 31 Days to Becoming a Better Religious Educator: “Day 18: Practice Giving Positive, Constructive Feedback.” 

Jared Dees is the creator of The Religion Teacher, a website offering practical resources and teaching strategies for religious educators, and the author of the new book 31 Days to Becoming a Better Religious Educator. Jared works in digital publishing at Ave Maria Press managing websites like Together for Life Online and thinking strategically about various forms of media including eBooks, eTextbooks, webinars, websites, and social media. 

Order 31 Days to Becoming a Better Religious Educator and support CatholicMom.com with your purchase

Copyright 2013 Jared Dees

Here are two apps we’ve enjoyed using together recently.

Note: my reviews are based on the iPad version of these apps. I do NOT have iOS 6.0 because I’m still on the original iPad. Both of these apps work just fine on it, which makes me love them even more. I used the screenshots that are available from iTunes, in part because I couldn’t pry my iPad away from the short people on the day I was writing this review.

Patron Saints

By Our Sunday Visitor; Available for iOS (99-cents); Official Website

This came out as one of three saints-related apps Our Sunday Visitor released a few months ago. (The other two are set up similarly to this one and have been reviewed here at Tech Talk.)

I love that this draws from a database of over 1000 saints and is based on The Encyclopedia of Catholic History, Revised. With all the information that’s available, this is information I can trust.

That, and you can do some really cool Catholic geekiness with it.

We went through and found out who the patron saint of horses was (there were at least four!) and then ran through birthdays of people we knew (ourselves included).

When I hear that someone’s having a baby (or their due date), I make sure to check out potential patrons. (I also use the calendar function at Saints.SQPN.com for this purpose.)

And hey, opening the app to a beautiful image of the saint of the day isn’t bad either.

This is one of those Catholic must-have apps, and it’s also an easy way to familiarize yourself with the huge family we have in heaven.

Saint of the Day for Kids

By Cary Molyneux; Available for iOS (99-cents); Official Website

This is an app that has “genius” written all over it. For my love-to-color gang, printing pictures of the saints is a win on a lot of levels. The summary bios are appropriately written, too.

However, this app comes with a warning (and this should be proof that I’m unbiased): there’s some weird in-app purchasing options. I keep meaning to write a rant about that, and I was largely disappointed by that. The developer 

That said, I paid the in-app option to have it unlocked, because my eight-year-old was LOVING IT so much! When you unlock it, you can move around to whatever day you want on the calendar, and that allowed us to print copies of saints for, you know, every day of the year.

Note: the early version I tested had an in-app purchase option, but it turns out I’m not the only one who was disappointed by that. The latest version, which should be available yet this week in iTunes, will cost $2 up-front, instead of 99-cents and then another 99-cents in-app.

You can look for saints alphabetically too:

And if you’re like us, you have favorites you want to be able to find again.

Overall, we’re happy with this app. I highly recommend it and even more now that the “hidden cost” has been updated..

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Copyright 2013 Sarah Reinhard

“Take Five for Faith” is a new, FREE Android app from Truequest Communications. It provides daily spiritual reflections as well as links to daily scripture readings and social networks.  If you feel your phone is already jam-packed or are looking for a new email devotion – this is also available as an email through the Take Five for Faith website.

I love the tag line on the opening screen: “Daily Renewal for Busy Catholics”!   Almost all of us, at one point or another, can relate with being busy … be it as mom, dad, employee, daughter, Catholic!

The daily reflections are in-depth and spiritually rich but not so long as to feel burdensome. 

Maybe you are like me and share that feeling you get when you open a piece of spiritual reading, and you know it’s going to be wonderful but you just don’t have the time you want to give it, so instead of reading what you can, you just close it or save it ‘for another time’ (which never comes).

When I opened this app, I thought, “Okay, if I’m in a line at the bank or waiting for my kid at dance class, I can so read this!”  Everything at this time in my life is measured by what I can do between doing something for others – and while I do make time for myself, I just feel that in my vocation of mother that more often than not, I put my “doing” on hold to serve others.  I don’t neglect my spiritual well-being, as that would not be prudent, but I have to choose those things that can reasonably fill it in the time I have available.

The main page consists of:

• The Current Date
• A Daily Reflection
• List of Today’s Readings
• Quote from the Readings
• Links to Social Network outlets (Twitter, Facebook) as well as the USCCB

Other features:

Search allows you to navigate through past and present reflections and articles by any keyword.

Buttons existed on the app for “Archive” and “More” but they were not working on the current version for Android.  It is a fairly new release, and I’m sure updates and fixes will be out soon. You can access the archives through the search feature.

Even without all the features in full function, this is a fantastic, worthwhile download.  I highly recommend the “Take Five for Faith” Android app.

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Copyright 2013 Allison Gingras