It started when I had the chance to go studying out from my country, Indonesia. I went to Oklahoma, USA for college. It was a good opportunity for me and of course a big hope of my family to have their kid sent abroad and independently to live good amongst the better. Being apart from family at a young age was not an easy task for me. However, I had the full support from my family, and they wished for me to have better International exposures.
I was raised in a Catholic family, and my parents always advised me to pray and search for God for a help. Sure I went to church as they always reminded me to, prayed to God in any situations, and looked for Him when I am lost.
Time flew, I became a person with bigger hopes and dreams.. I did have wishes.. and I tried wholeheartedly to reach and make all the dreams came true.
I prayed to God “Lord, please lead my way, so I can achieve my dreams.” I shouted to Him when I felt insecure, I asked Him to carry me when I am down, and I joined some church activities as my good friend invited me to.
So many years I have waited, for my wishes to come true, I prayed and prayed. I lifted up my life to Him, and I knew He will make it beautiful in time.
My college years had finally passed. I was glad to have gone through memorable moments during college life, not to mention wonderful friends I have. Then I went to California to work, which I was blessed to have such nice jobs and colleagues. Then, few years later, I went back to my country, got married, blessed with a lovely baby girl, then we moved and lived in Singapore. Oh, my life was perfect, wouldn’t trade with anyone.
Then, in one long afternoon, I looked back what I had been through…. then I had a thought and question popped out in my head,… OK, Yes I have reached what I’ve been wishing for.. Yes I have succeeded my journeys with ups and downs.. and Yes I’ve got what other people thought it was extraordinary… But, something was missing.. and I didn’t know what…? I did go to church on Sundays, I did pray rosary and novena often.. however I still felt one great thing is missing…
I talked about this to a good friend of mine, and she wasn’t sure what I want next.. “What is it? You’ve got whatever you wished for?! And now with a nice home and a wonderful family”, “God has given what you want, now you’re telling me that you’re not quite satisfied?”
“No, it is not that, it is somethings else…” I replied.
The thought once gone, then came back…
Until one night, I dreamed about Holy Mary came to me. Oh, she was beautiful, full of love and grace, and she smiled..but didn’t say a word… In the following day I called my friend and talked about it. She told me to pray and ask God – what is it I’ve been missing? Again, I prayed.. and prayed.., and waited for an answer as my heart was always pounding when thinking about it…
In one fine Sunday morning, I went to church by myself since my daughter was sick so I had to rotate with my husband staying at home with her. I entered the church, I sat close to the exit as I was a little late for the mass, then I prayed, “My Lord..My God, please do not pass me by, please open my heart, and speak to me, what’s the feeling I’ve been having, what is it that I’ve been missing…?”
After receiving the communion, I kneeled down, closed my eyes, and prayed, .. at that very second, I felt someone walked closer to me, and gave me the warmest hug as from a greatest friend I’ve been longing for, I felt Jesus hugging me. I shed tears and felt like I was in heaven. So, this is what has been missing.. I miss JESUS!
He walked before me, He stayed beside me when I needed him… He had me all those good and rough times, ….but, I did not realize that I’ve never had Him in my heart.
For all the times I prayed, I wished, and I prayed… but never I had the faith and the belief that Jesus Himself lived inside with me and listened every single word of my prayers.
I just prayed without believing it.
And, with His grace…, with no conditions…, for all those years, God granted my wishes…and yes, He sure made it beautiful in time,… and that was when He hugged me
Lord, You are good! What would I do without you…
Copyright August 2009 Monica Dewi
Monica Dewi is an Indonesian catholic mom of two blessed children, Arlene and Gavin. She went to Oklahoma State University for her Bachelor and to Oklahoma City University for her Master degree. Having been married for six years with her husband, Gary, she realizes that God is the only love the family has been holding onto. She is now living in Singapore, and has just started to compose religious songs, and write articles about her catholic faith journey. She wishes to share her cultural experiences and how God has touched her heart through her family, friends, and life. Her songs are available at her blog monicadewi.wordpress.com.