There we stood in the parking lot of the Golf Course. As I took that picture of my four children about to start golf camp, I knew as soon as that button clicked it would be over. The time I had with them as little children. You see this is Jake’s first time at Golf Camp. It is the first time I have dropped all four of them off together; no one to take to the playground, the library or story time while the other children were in golf camp. No this time I would leave alone. Of course I have work to do blogs to write, speeches to practice, retreats to create but I am never ready to leave them – NEVER!
I got into my empty minivan so quiet I could hear the air conditioner blowing and I drove away from them with silent tears falling down my cheeks. Experts say that the most secure children are the ones who don’t hang on to their parents legs when they are left at camps or school. They are secure in the fact that the parent will return and they will be fine. I know they will be fine and I will return. My tears are caused by my emotions of lamenting their aging. Every day they grow taller, smarter, sweeter, more independent and older. They grow into their own individual beings. I want them to grow and to thrive. I never want to hold them back from their destiny. I just don’t want the journey to move so quickly. Alas I cannot stop the hands of time from ticking away moment by moment day by day.
Maybe I am too attached to my children? Maybe I love them too much but is that possible? Is it possible to love your family too much? Being a mom is not the easiest job in the world. It is the most exhausting, mentally draining, rewarding and awesome job. It is so much more than a job it is a lifetime of love, relationships and giving. It’s not easy but it is all I have ever wanted and so much more. Thank God it is endless. Knowing that it goes through stages is reassuring and painful at the end of each stage. Today was the end of a chapter yet the beginning of a new one.
I accept the tears as knowledge of how much I love them and how much I love to be with them. There will be many more tears but each tear, each heartache is worth the love I feel for each one of them.
Copyright 2011 Lori Hadorn-Disselkamp