How to Parent Like God (and Not the Other Guy)

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How to Parent Like God (and Not the Other Guy)

How to Parent Like God (and Not the Other Guy)

Ever find yourself being overly critical with your children?

As a parent, why is it so easy to be negative?

The other day my 11 year-old son told me something interesting. He said, “Dad, you’ve been really critical and negative with me the past few days, could you maybe be more positive? I’ve done a lot of good things too.”

That was a bit of a shocker! But looking back over the days in question, I realized he was right. I had been more critical of him than usual.

He was doing some frustrating things, and I had to correct him often. After all, that’s a parent’s job right? But did I do it the right way?

The Discernment of Spirits and God’s parenting style

This got me thinking about what St. Ignatius Loyola says about how God deals with us. If God is the ultimate Father and he does everything perfect, maybe I should imitate him and treat my kids the way he treats his kids…namely me!

One of the foundations of Ignatian Spirituality is the Discernment of Spirits. It’s a set of 14 rules for understanding how God is acting in your daily spiritual life. By “spirits” Ignatius is referring to either the Holy Spirit or the “enemy of our human nature,” the Devil, his demons, or our own fallen humanity.

By becoming aware of the spiritual movements of your heart, the 14 rules help you discern which spirit is influencing your decision making and where God is leading you.

With persons who are moving toward God, (trying to get rid sin and follow God more closely), the influence of the evil spirit is experienced as a biting conscience or sadness. He places obstacles in your way and disquiets you. Ignatius calls this desolation.

The Holy Spirit, on the other hand, gives consolation–courage, strength, inspiration, and peace. He takes away obstacles and makes you feel great.

Simplifying this to the extreme, God always gives peace and builds you up. The enemy always unsettles you and tears you down.

If that’s the case, shouldn’t I, as a Christian parent, always be building my kids up in everything I say and do with them? Shouldn’t I be parenting like God and not the enemy?

What would “parenting like God” look like?

So, what would parenting like God look like? Well, St. Ignatius says God positively motivates us. He makes you feel great when you do the right thing so you’ll want to do more of it. He gives inspirations that guide you toward the right course of action and gives you peace when you take it. And, he gives you the courage and strength to face trials and difficulties.

In parenting that would translate to lots of positive affirmations to make kids feel good when they do the right things, clearly communicating what’s expected and giving directions on how they can accomplish it, and instilling the confidence they need to do hard things.

But doesn’t God correct us too?

With all that being said, will you always get it right? Of course not! You’re human. Sometimes you get frustrated and emotions get out of control…like when you’ve done all that positive affirmation stuff 20 times and your kids still don’t get it right.

And, let’s face it, it’s just usually easier to point out the wrong behavior instead of always praising the good stuff. Sometimes we get tired.

It’s interesting to note that, though God never gives desolation, he sometimes does correct our bad behavior. God moves you to feel sorrow for your sins and nudges you toward repentance. And, he does allow the enemy to give you desolation at times if you’re messing up and need conversion is a certain area…or if you need some humility.

So, I don’t think it’s outside the realm of Godly parenting to make sure your kids feel some contrition for what they’ve done and know you’re disappointed. However, it still should be done in a way that encourages them to do better, gives them hope they can do better, and leaves them feeling good about themselves. It shouldn’t tear them down and make them feel awful about themselves.

Next time you’re feeling frustrated and getting critical with your children, take a step back and pray, “Heavenly Father, how would you parent in this situation?” You might find the inspiration and strength to go about it a different way. Parenting like God might not be your default, but perhaps it will become a positive alternative in your parenting toolbox. It could lead to more peaceful and joy-filled households.

Do you think it’s valid for Christian parents to deal with their kids the way God deals with us? Would it work or is it not enough? Let me know what you think.

Copyright 2013 Marc Cardaronella

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About Author

Marc Cardaronella is the author of Keep Your Kids Catholic: Sharing Your Faith and Making It Stick coming in May from Ave Maria Press. By day he works as director of the Bishop Helmsing Institute for Faith Formation at the Diocese of Kansas City-St. Joseph, MO. By night he writes about Catholic parenting and how to share the Faith on his personal blog. Marc lives in Kansas City with his beautiful wife and two awesome boys.

4 Comments

  1. Abbey @ Surviving Our Blessings on

    After a string of days where I feel like I’ve been negative with my children way too often (which obviously hasn’t been working!), this is a breath of fresh air. I know that positive, loving encouragement works much better than criticism with my children (and all children, right?), but I’ve been so discouraged and frustrated lately that I’ve fallen into a pattern of speaking mostly negatively to them. Thank you – I hadn’t thought of it exactly like this before…and a more peace- and joy-filled house is definitely what I am after.

    • Marc Cardaronella on

      Glad it helped! It’s funny but, right after I wrote this I got in a frustrated and critical streak with my oldest son again. I had to remember what I wrote, step back, pray, and approach him more pro-actively. And, it worked! I hope you get that peace!

  2. Thank you for sharing this. It came at the most perfect time when I find myself battling with my youngest (13 years old) and it’s created so much chaos in our household. I was raised by a mother who constantly yelled, never truly acknowledged the positives and didn’t spend a lot time with me. I promised myself that when I became a parent I would never treat my children that way. Well, welcome the teen years! I’ve realized that I’m constantly nit-picking with my daughter, finding faults and all the wrongs and never the positives. I know it’s because I’ve been so frustrated with her because I want her to get it right! Reading your article has struck such a cord with me. Yes, I need to take a breath when in a situation and ask The Holy Spirit to guide me through this. I love my daughter so much and the Lord has entrusted this child to me. Therefore, I know that I should be building her up in a Christ like manner. From now on, it will be more words of affirmations and even time to pray together.

    • Marc Cardaronella on

      I’m so glad this helped you, Irene! That’s fantastic!

      As I said in the other comment, this is a constant process. It’s very easy to fall into the negativity…just part of our human nature. I fell into again this week after writing this post and had to take a step back. But it does make me feel so much better when I do.

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