The Huffington Post, oracle of the Stupid age, recently dictated a forgone conclusion of my post-marriage generation in an article titled “10 Reasons It’s Totally Fine Never to Get Married.”
Let’s explore their rationales, shall we? (Their arguments are in bold, followed by my comments.)
1. They say: Most people aren’t in a hurry to get married anymore.
Quoth the oracle: “So, there’s no need to stress about not getting married — everyone else is staying single too.” And we know from experience that when everyone is doing something it must be okay.
2. They say: In fact, many people feel there aren’t many advantages to being married.
And if un-married people feel that way, having never been married, then of course, they must be right!
3. They say: For men, being married could be connected to being overweight.
All those demands of marriage can really cut into gym time. How else is a guy supposed to burn all those calories from stagnantly watching professional sports all weekend? You and I both know a real man isn’t going to give up watching his team. Marrying his girlfriend, on the other hand…
4. They say: Marriage can present a slew of financial problems.
This gem of a quote, “Another point: getting married can cause a single parent to lose student aid for their child.” Wow. Just think of all those government incentives you’re missing out on by getting hitched! Oh! Bring it on, profitable fornication (that’s Latin or Greek for what everyone else is doing anyway).
5. They say: Marriage can seem like an outdated institution, and some people just don’t want to fit into that mold.
But the outdated institution of staying single: fitting into that mold is okay.
6. They say: Getting married can put your friendships at risk.
Hm. You know which kinds of friendships end because you spend time with family? The ones weren’t really friendships to begin with. So no sweat there, good riddance.
7. They say: Marriage can lead to the risky habit of relying on one individual for every emotional need.
Unlike cohabitation or dating where you risk ….relying on one individual for every emotional need.
8. They say: These days, a happy marriage requires a serious commitment of time and energy that can be hard to maintain.
So why bother? Time, energy, commitment…pshah! We should all settle for relationships that only require sporadic bursts of low grade energy followed by a tapering lull as you spend an indeterminate amount of life wondering whether or not it’s the right time to get married.
9. They say: And, as dim as it sounds, plenty of marriages in this country end up in a divorce anyway.
So avoid becoming a statistic! Unless, of course, it’s the statistic of not getting married.
10. They say: Plus, there’s a good alternative to marriage. It’s called a civil union or a domestic partnership.
It’s like marriage “lite,” or a “calorie free” beverage, which seems like a good alternative to soda until you realize that it’s is actually worse for you, is totally unsatisfying, linked with obesity, and, overall, doesn’t really substitute for the real thing.
Kind of like marriage.
Copyright 2014, Marissa Nichols