I am going to attempt something right now that I have never been done before. I am going to write straight from my heart, dump out the ugly truth of it all, without talking to God first, before sitting all quiet and listening for His voice and asking Him, “What do you want me to write?”
Because frankly? I am a little perplexed by Him right now. And by perplexed, I mean flat-out annoyed. Yes. AT GOD. To be specific? I think His timing stinks.
There. I said it. HIS TIMING STINKS.
My husband and I both work from home, and simultaneously, in different rooms at different desks, we were both thrown a curve ball. Doesn’t matter what the ball looked like, just know … it curved. But such is life, and these things happen, and yet no matter that I am no stranger to a blindside (are any of us, really?) it still gets my goat.
“Now, God? Really? You thought, with all that is already going on, that THIS was acceptable? Good grief, Lord, you know I love you, but your timing really stinks. I don’t get it.” Welcome to my inner thoughts.
These are the moments when I wish I had a less-mature faith, because as soon as my words leave my mouth, HIS WORD enters in.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.” –Isaiah 55:8
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” –Philippians 4:7
“He has made everything beautiful in its time.” –Ecclesiastes 3:11
“You are correct, you, simple, silly sinner, that has such a long way to go, that I, the Creator and Lord of all, am wrong. And you, whom I created out of nothing, are right. So sorry, sweet daughter of mine. My bad.” –Laura Phelps
Ok. So that last verse was my own. Don’t start flipping through your Bible. You won’t find it.
It is hard. Isn’t it? It is hard to trust that He is in control when He picks you up, and everything around you, and shakes it all up crazy, like a Christmas snow globe. And He shakes and shakes so that you can not make out the houses, or see the trees, until there is no landscape to be seen at all; everything is just white. Nothing else. No houses. No trees. Just a giant globe of blinding white.
And yet, I trust.
Because like the snow globe, those houses? Those trees? I know they are still there. I just can’t see them in the eye of the storm. So I have to trust.
My sweet friends, what else is there to do?
Complain? Fight it? Ignore it? Grow bitter? Cry out in anger and disbelief? Work myself up? Drown myself in a bowl of chips and salsa? I suppose I could do all of that. In fact, I am sure I have done all of that. Especially in the shower. (I don’t eat the chips and salsa in the shower, though, if that is what you are thinking. I am not that far gone. But close.) I am talking about the tears. Not sure why I cry so easily in the shower … maybe it feels like baptism? Or simply, because I am alone and no one can hear me? I have no idea. And that is the thing. I HAVE NO IDEA. I do not know the “why” … the why now? Why this? Why me? Why anything? And I might not ever.
So what do I do when the curve ball comes at me?
Well, I try to duck out of the way. It’s just a natural instinct.
But then, after the crying out and the shower and the demand to know why … I ask, “What?”
What are you trying to teach me, Lord?
What do I need to learn from this?
Because I don’t know about you, but if I didn’t believe, at my core, that every storm, every battle, every trial, was God’s way of pulling me in closer to Him, gifting me with a valuable lesson, increasing my trust in what matters most, I don’t think I could breathe. Or stand. Or eat. Or write. I think I would live in a constant state of paralysis; suffocated by focusing in on the lie, overwhelmed to the point of death.
I still don’t like His timing, and I still don’t like His “gifts” to increase my faith, but to be fair, He never said there would be no trouble. He never said there would be no trial. What He said was that He would provide a way out so that we can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
And so in His perfect time, the way out will come. In His perfect time, the lesson will be revealed. In His perfect time, the shaking will stop, and the snow will settle, resting on housetops, dancing on trees, making the landscape, once again, beautiful.
Copyright 2017 Laura Mary Phelps